Thanksgiving Rules for My Mother

A lot of you reading this blog might think it's strange that its #1 fan is none other than...my mother. Yes, I admit it's a little strange to have her reading the details of my sex dating life, but we have a close relationship (and I would probably tell her most of this stuff whether she wanted to hear it or not).

When I accidentally invited Ron Swanson to Thanksgiving Dinner wayyyy too soon in our courtship, I told my mom the news. I'm sure she was more than thrilled -- typical Jewish mother behavior.

Before "the big day," I gave her THREE important rules for meeting Ron Swanson:

1. Under NO circumstances may you refer to him/introduce him as my boyfriend. He's not my boyfriend. He's not my friend. He has no label. His name is "Ron Swanson."
2. No awkward posed photos. Mom, can we both agree you kind of broke that one??
3. No references to my blog. I'd already told him about it, but there's just no need to make things more awkward. Imagine walking into a room full of people who already know allllllll about you...

As I went through the rules with my mom, she laughed as she remembered a very similar conversation we had when she planned to chaperone my 5th grade dance. She said I gave her an index card with very similar restrictions. Little did I know, it's been sitting in her nightstand for the last 17 years...

I was nervous as I sat in the car before heading into my mom's house with my newest suitor. But I was reassured by the calm of Ron Swanson. The night went off without a hitch, and I think he passed the family test. And more importantly, my family behaved themselves. And he still wanted to continue hanging out after we left!

I'm thankful for how pleasant it all turned out. And I'm also thankful for my mother. Moms are the best. xoxo

So, I have this blog...

As Ron Swanson and I started spending more time together, I started to feel like there was an elephant sitting on my chest...

I'm totally lying to him until I tell him about this blog's existence!! I have to tell him!!!!

I consulted my male friends, who all thought it was way too soon to unleash the toxic info. But I did it anyway. If I was going to bring him to meet my family for Thanksgiving, he had to know. I couldn't risk that he found out from someone other than me...

Me: "So, I feel like I need to tell you something..."

Ron: "Uh oh"

Me: "Well...it's just that I've not told you, I'm kind of an avid blogger. I've had a few over the years."

Ron: "About what?"

Me: "I used to write one about working in restaurants, and it was pretty well-liked, but then I quit. And I wanted to start writing again, but I needed something about my current life..."

Ron: "Your sex life?"

Me: "Well, not exactly....but my dating life. I started writing about my experiences with online dating mostly."

Ron: "Have you written about me?"

Me: "Yes. But only good things!"

Ron: "Okay, well that's cool. I get it. It's a creative outlet."

THE END. He didn't ask me anything else! In fact, he didn't even want to read it or know what it's called...which is pretty easy to maintain since he's not on Facebook. And he didn't care if I continued to write about him, so here we are.

That was a little too easy. 

I'm Thankful for...Word Vomit

Soooo...what would you say if I told you that on my third date with Ron Swanson, I invited him to my family's Thanksgiving dinner?

You're so right. I'm fucking insane.

It.just.slipped.out.
WORD VOMIT.

He asked me about my plans, and I told him I was heading to New York for a family trip, leaving on a red eye after Thanksgiving dinner. He offered to drive me to the airport.

"Aw, that's so sweet but I don't want you to have to leave your plans."

"I don't really have any plans...Actually, this is my first year on my own for the holidays."

Oh fuck. That's right. Last year he was married. 

My Jewish instincts kicked in: MUST FEED STRANGERS!

That was a week ago. And now it's here...and we're still hanging out. And he's still game to come, despite me letting him know it would be okay to bail at any time.

So, um...Happy Thanksgiving! Wish me luck.

I'm feeling a little like the turkey the day before Thanksgiving...

Boys Dumb. Girls Crazy.

Are girls more observant than guys?
I'm starting to think so.

A large portion of my relationships ended because I "observed" more carefully than the guy expected...

The worst example was when The Playboy and I had a wonderful night together celebrating the holidays, but then I went to use his restroom and saw a pile of bobby pins and fake eyelashes on the counter. I mean, really? He couldn't bother to clean up after another girl who spent the night... right after he promised me he would never see her again?? Sloppy.

Ron Swanson has been pretty perfect by normal standards, but when I went to eat his steak dinner I took a quick look around his bachelor pad. It was totally normal until she appeared...

"Ex-wife" labeled on a box for an external hard drive sitting right on his desk. Her real name was handwritten with little flowers surrounding...

Oh god. How can I not stalk her now? Is she prettier than me? 

I don't know if it's just my experience, but I think guys are not as good at cleaning up after their previous relationships. Hell, I make sure there's no sign of my ex before a new guy comes over. But, it seems I am always very aware of another girl's presence.

Girls are crazy. Guys, just don't leave your trail out in the open.

C-Block makes a New Friend

Not every guy has a positive reaction to, "I have a dog....he's a cocker spaniel mix...small, white, fluffy thing." But at the end of the day, he has to be cool with my main man, Oliver, if the relationship is going to go anywhere.

My roommate does the online dating thing, too. One time I witnessed a guy bring her dog a treat from Three Dog Bakery, and thought, "good move." She takes the meet-and-greet pretty seriously. But she's also the girl that locks her dog in the spare bedroom on nights her ex visits because he's a "light sleeper." Uh huh. Suuuuuuure. 

Personally, I've always approached the situation from a pessimistic side. I'm nervous that he'll think my dog is stupid and not manly enough.

"So, uh..here's my dog. Oh, ya he's crazy. Don't worry...let's go."

But secretly I'm jealous of the couples I watch at the dog park while Oliver wanders around peeing on every tree. 

Ron Swanson told me he had something for me when I went to his house for dinner. Turns out it wasn't a gift for me...but for my furry little c-block. He handed me a stuffed fox, complete with squeaker inside. It's Oliver's favorite kind of toy. To be fair to all other guys in the world, Ron Swanson isn't so perfect as to buy my dog a gift. He tried to adopt a dog after the divorce, but the jack russell was a little too crazy and their trial period (and relationship) expired...much like his marriage.

Oliver very happily accepted the foxy toy. 

We're both pretty content being #2 right now. 

Girls love assholes.

Girls (like me) love assholes. Anyone who disagrees...you're wrong. We may grow tired and get over it, but we still love them deep down.

Married Man laughed at my reaction to Ron Swanson. "I love that you can't handle a guy being nice to you." But really what am I supposed to think?? The guy wants to make me dinner. That doesn't happen to me. There must be something wrong with him...obviously. Doesn't he know he's supposed to pressure me into sleeping with him, only to never contact me again?

This is just not normal.

It makes me mad that I'm so surprised by his behavior. Have I completely forgot about what it was like to have someone truly care about me? The Busy Builder isn't pleased with my latest entries. Shocking, I know. Naturally, he's felt a need to respond to my recent entries. He knows I have a weakness for assholes, yet he denies being one. "You made zero effort with me, and that probably made me want it more," I said. "It's more complicated than that," he replied. But I know that means he wishes we could hook up again. I told him I can no longer think about our situation as complicated. That's how I ended up seeing him for so long after he showed complete disregard for my feelings.

No more assholes. It's time for a cleanse. 

And hey, it doesn't hurt that I like hanging out with Ron Swanson. The man makes a nice steak dinner. 

Happy 30,000 Views!

Sorry, but today's post is not about my usually pathetic (yet laughable) dating life. Today I honor you: my readers. How can I do that? Well, I'd like to share one of my favorite parts of the backside of blogging. Traffic sources. 

I LOVE statistics! (Math nerd alert)

I google searched "math nerd" and found this

I get pleasure out of reading that my dating profile has been read 660 times, and that two people in Malaysia are reading my blog RIGHT NOW.

But the best part is knowing what people were "google searching" when they landed on my page...

Here are my favorites:

1. can you see your own cervix?
2. severely crooked penis
3. men don't get cherry tattoos
4. do I know you
5. drunk bowling
6. UR CUTE
7. crying girlfriend meme
8. she cock blocked me
9. lady parts fail
10. is he really being or blowing me off?

Thank you, readers. You fucking rock. 

Chivalry is NOT dead.

Over the years, a lot of people have urged me not date guys from Los Angeles. Actually, people said the same thing about Orange County guys when I lived in Newport. They're all Peter Pan types, who aren't interested in getting in serious relationships and blah blah blah. I tuned it out. Because what else was I supposed to do?

Transplants must be where it's at. Ron Swanson is from Florida, but he's lived in LA for a few years. It's a good blend of southern manners with LA style. I'll admit I have been a little thrown off and weary of his gentleman-like nature. It's been a long time since I dated someone who...

• Opens doors and pulls out chairs
• Always asks if I'm warm enough, and offers his coat
• Compliments genuinely and often...but not too often.
• ...And listens.

On our first date, Ron Swanson asked my favorite type of food. I love Asian cuisine, but told him that even though I spent years slinging pasta, Italian food will always be most comforting. He listened and took me to an Italian restaurant on our second date. 

I'm here to announce: Chivalry is NOT dead. 

How to Woo a Guy with Dr. Dre

Ron Swanson asked me on a second date for Friday night. I was anxious to see if there would truly be chemistry...or if my two beers and nerves had been an influence. I let him pick me up. Mostly because I wanted him to see how comically close we live to one another. In LA, that just never happens. When I saw him smiling at the door, I knew it would be okay.

He took me to an adorable Italian restaurant by the Venice pier, decorated with twinkly lights and painted walls to look like we were dining in Italy. Suddenly the waiters passed around song sheets and the whole restaurant lifted their wine glasses to sing, "That's Amore." He sang along (terribly) and I just laughed. We talked about singing, and he told me his go-to karaoke song is "Forgot About Dre." I dropped another piece of silverware. Apparently I really need some lessons in etiquette. 

As we left the bar, he asked me if I wanted to go out where some of his friends were. I was slightly reluctant, but said I was game. We started walking back to the car, but then he took my hand and turned around. "Nevermind them," he said. "I'd rather just continue getting to know you tonight." I'm not sure if he meant that, or if he was also reluctant...but I was happy with the decision. The only problem is, I looked around and we were staring at two of Busy Builder's usual spots. He could definitely be inside. Eh. Oh well. 

We sat on the upper level of the bar and it seemed like this surfer crowd had chosen an array of rap music on the jukebox. And then "Forgot About Dre" came on... I challenged Ron Swanson to rap along, since it IS his karaoke song, but about half way through, I told him I could out-rap him on that one. Hello! It was one of the 9th grade jams for suburban white kids in the valley! After I nailed Eminem's verse, he burst into laughter. "Your coolness factor just went way up!" Obviously.

And that's how Dr. Dre and Eminem got me a third date.

The "that didn't suck so let's do it again" Kiss

First dates are hard. You just never know what's going to happen. But if you're lucky and it goes well, I think there should be a first kiss involved.

I was thinking about my recent first kisses. It's funny how in all the movies, the guy is walking her up to her door when the magical first kiss moment happens. But with online dating, I can't show him where I live too soon, so all my first kisses happen outside my car...in some romantical parking lot.

Unlike my traumatic surprise-attack from Dick Downer, my first kiss with Ron Swanson was pretty good. After a couple easy kisses we both pulled back...

But then he pulled me back in for the real deal. It's like you have to test out if it's horrible or pleasant, and THEN decide if you should really put forth some real effort.

Sometimes I love being a girl. Happy 3-day weekend to my single peeps...and the not single ones, too (I guess). 

Election Date

It's a little risky to go on a first date on Election Day. I didn't know if Ron Swanson also thought it was odd, but I went for it anyway. But he could be crazy conservative and bring up politics and we could start fighting. Or worse, Romney could win. What's the worst that could happen?

First impression: He's cute. Kinda scruffy (and kinda hairy) with pretty eyes and a big smile. He was wearing a red flannel, perfectly fitting for his Ron Swanson name. He opened the door for me. And then he tested me: "So, this place is beer and wine only." That's ok. I drink beer. (I passed)

We found some seats at one of the communal tables at The Tripel and he took the lead suggesting we split a few things. We have a very similar sense of dorky humor. I tried to remember more details about him, but when I went online to check his profile again before our date (to study) I noticed he deleted his account. Without me asking, he mentioned he's new to the site and got creeped out by some girl he didn't reply to that was checking his profile every day. Sounds about right. But damn....where is he from again? What does he do? How old is he?? Crap.

He's from Florida. When I asked why he moved out here, he said he wanted to work for Pixar...which is interesting since I wanted be a Disney Princess but they stopped making musicals. Lame. Also, he moved out here with a girl....HIS WIFE. His EX-wife. Deep breaths. I am actually okay with a divorcee. As my girl Patti Stanger would say, it's a sign that he's willing to commit. But as my mom would say..."as long as he's ACTUALLY divorced." Good points. 

Half way through the date and I was feeling pretty positive about him. We laughed a lot, and I accidentally flung my fork across the table. Typical. Then President Obama was predicted to be re-elected. I looked at him and asked, "are you happy or sad?" We were both happy. Phew. 

The bill came and he pulled out the credit card, no question. I did not offer to pay. Unfortunately for him, the waitress came back....DECLINED. This is awkward. He used a different card, and I could tell he was embarrassed. We left and he walked me back to the lot. I made him guess which car was mine and he said it would be very weird if I drove a cougar because that was his first car. I think that means I passed that test, too. As we said goodbye, he leaned in and I let him kiss me.

When I got home, he texted me that he had a really great time and wanted to see me again. He also made it a point to mention that his credit card number had been compromised, according to his bank. That's kinda cute. He didn't even realize I stole his identity when he went to the bathroom....muahahaha...just kidding.

My new favorite game on OKCupid

In case you've been paying attention to my snapshots of dating profiles, I deleted my POF account and decided to explore OKCupid. (And yes I'm still too cheap for the paid sites. If you think I should be on there, you should sponsor my membership.) I grew tired of seeing The Busy Builder's face pop up in my searches, and I don't think I even wrote about the time he messaged me on there recently. Yup. We met on the site, and five months later he went out with his brother and thought it would be funny to message me, "hey baby ;)." Even I know he was on there to show his brother some other girls he was probably talking to. Ugh.

Anyway, I realized that on OKCupid you can search by keyword!

My new favorite game is searching for bands I love and looking for guys who have similar musical interests. No more Weezer please. In my search for guys who also like my favorite band, Local Natives, I came upon a guy whose username has to do with "Ron Swanson."

I decided to write him. Be bold. Geez, I really love Ron Swanson. He understands the simple things in life...like steak.

After a fair bit of banter, Ron Swanson asked to get drinks at a local bar. He quickly changed his mind and invited me to dinner...on Election Day.

Here's hoping Ron Swanson is a Democrat!

The Worst Second Date

A couple days after my date with The Speed Dater, he texted to say he had a great time and wanted to see me again. This took two weeks to happen, due to his work schedule. Just what I need...another workaholic.

He met me at Westside Tavern after for dinner and a movie on Saturday night. Unfortunately, the movie was sold out so he bought us tickets to see Perks of Being a Wallflower. We had FOUR HOURS to kill before it started. So he suggested we go across the street to Gyu-Kaku instead. The wait was a little long, so we walked next door to The Wellsbourne for a drink. Oh great. This just turned into the same date I took The Busy Builder on for our fourth date. We went up to the bar and he ordered...a DIET COKE. Wait, what?

Five minutes later, I changed his name to Dick Downer.
Things that Dick Downer is allergic to:

• cats
• dust
• ALCOHOL
• sun
• happiness
• fun

"But you can order a drink," he said. That's okay. If I wanted to drink alone, I'd be in my pj's watching SNL. We walked into the restaurant and he panicked: "Does it seem safe to eat here? It looks dirty." Ummm...I laughed. I thought he was joking. He ordered for us without even asking me what I like, then dismissed himself to go wash his hands. [First text to friends: "Oh god. He doesn't drink."] He came back traumatized. "The bathroom is right next to the kitchen...and I don't think they're very careful about all that raw meat." He proceeded to wipe down our table. I laughed, uncomfortably.

Over the next four hours, I learned a lot about Dick Downer. 

Things that Dick Downer hates:

• germs
• bars that have live music 
• spending money
• his job
• his co-workers
• Chrismas music
• Republicans (yup, he talked politics on a second date)
• costumes
• his high school friends

This guy probably hates blowjobs and rainbows, too...

We finally made it over to the movie theater, and I snuck away to the bathroom. [Second text to sister: "Wish I was with you. This date is bleh."] The moment we sat down, he lifted the armrest and reached for my hand. Interesting, since we had no prior physical contact. The movie started and well...it isn't exactly a romantic comedy. I won't spoil it, but you shouldn't see this film on a date. When the plot turned, he pulled his hand away. After the movie, Dick Downer added something to the list of things he hates: 

• Perks of Being a Wallflower

He complained about its lack of originality, then complained about the $8 parking fee, and then complained about the parking garage. Just when I felt relieved to make it back to my car, he surprise-attacked my face. HE ATE MY FACE. And just like that, he was gone...and I wiped the saliva off my face and raced home. 

This is why first dates should last longer than thirty minutes...

Spring Forward, Fall Back

I spent my extra hour...blogging.

The season changed, and my summer romance officially ended. In fact, I closed the door on everyone I'd been in contact with:

The Aussie
The Over-Texter
The Not-So-Tall Guy
The Busy Builder

After I posted my "Takin It Back, Tuesdays" about The Aussie (and he confessed he knew about the blog all along), we decided it's better when we don't have contact with each other. This might be the first time neither one of us has the other's phone number. It's for the best.

The Over-Texter was umm...texting me too much. So I politely told him I was interested. He said ok.

I was a complete dick to the Not-So-Tall Guy. Ugh. I feel so badly about how it all went down, but I pretty much just pulled a disappearing act. I should have told him a long, long time ago that I just didn't have romantical feelings for him.

And now I'll say what many who read this already know...I'd still be seeing The Busy Builder all summer. We started hanging out about once a week, and I started to think the feelings were strong for both of us. But I was wrong. I'd been having all kinds of anxiety, wanting to tell him how I felt. And then he dressed as an online dating profile for Halloween. I put my heart out there, though via text. I wanted to be included in his world, meet his friends, be more than the girl he hung out with out of laziness at the end of a night. I told him I was ready to shut down this blog and delete my dating profile because I only wanted to hang out with him. But he didn't want that. So that's that.

While part of me has been sad, feeling like I did last November when The Aussie and I ended our relationship, the other part feels relieved. I'm too awesome to settle for only a little attention and consideration. Time for a new season!

Just me and this guy again...

I won't message you back if... #5

...you have a creepy tattoo...and/or a nipple piercing. 

Clearly he did not notice my photo eating a hamburger, which in my eye, is a gift from the man up above. 

Mmmm sinfully delicious animals.

Fortune Cookie Fail

Sometimes when I'm hungover and slightly depressed about my love life, I head for Panda Express.  I can't help it. I find orange chicken comforting.

You may have noticed I was not posting as frequently as I usually do, and it's because a lot has been going on..things I would love to write about, but would hate to be ridiculed for. Maybe it's the change in season, but I've been getting a little antsy, feeling a need to make some changes to my personal life. I need some advice!

So there I was, finishing up my fried rice, when I thought..."Hey Lindsay, maybe your fortune cookie will help you decide what to do!"

Did Panda Express just call me fat? Fuck off.