What is a Grouper?

The following story is about a new adventure in dating, "Grouper." Though this is a true story, the names have been changed to protect their identity. Credit for the names goes to my amazing girlfriends. Love you, bebes. 

So I got this call from my friend -- Angela Sexpot -- asking if I'll be her wing for this dating thing called "Grouper." What the hell is a Grouper? I had no idea. Here's the gist...

Girl signs up, and gives some chick access to her Facebook, and they stalk the hell out of her until they find a guy they think she'll want to bone date. They pick a time and place, and set up the arrangements. Girl invites 2 single girlfriends. Boy invites 2 single guys. Everyone pays $20 and meets at the bar for their first point of contact.
Happiness, or awkwardness ensues.

You might be thinking...wait a minute. Did I miss an entry? I thought things were going well with Ron Swanson? This is true. But Angela Sexpot invited me before I had met him. I figured I might as well go, hang out with some of my best friends, and have a good story for the blog. (And yes, Ron Swanson knew I went.)

Angela Sexpot picked me up with Bebe Genuine and we pound a warm-up drink before heading to The Corner Door, a little restaurant bar local to my hood. We got there on time, but the guys were not there yet. The manager instantly recognized that we were a group of three chicks and asked if we were there for the Grouper. We order our first drinks, which are included with the $20 fee. The boys were fifteen minutes late before we started planning if we could use their drinks to get a free second round. And then a group of guys walked in... Bebe Genuine's face dropped. Let's just say, they were not cute. And thankfully, not there for us.

Our groupers walked in shortly after, apologizing for their tardiness. They weren't bad looking, either. Chatty Cathy, their leader, got right in and never stopped talking...both to Angela Sexpot and Bebe Genuine. I was sitting next to Miley Cyrus Hair Guy, a surfer from San Diego. We talked about Australia, since he'd lived there for a while. Across from me sat The Wet Sock. He was cute, but SO boring. The boys suggested we go to another bar for a second round...I was hesitant, but decided to take one for the team and go! It's a Monday! Why not get drunk?

On the way there, us girls decided Bebe Genuine would take Chatty Cathy (who was three years younger than us, by the way. What the hell? He knew our friend's little sister). Angela Sexpot would go for Miley Cyrus Hair Guy, and I would happily entertain The Wet Sock. I had all kinds of crazy girl questions prepped. 

The boys clearly made a plan, too, because once we got there...the lines were drawn. I tried asking The Wet Sock every dumb question I could think of like,
"What's your favorite Madonna song?" But he didn't bite. In fact, he got up from the table and moved to the other side, closer to Angela. Rude! Miley Cyrus Hair Guy gave me a lot of attention...Uh oh. He bought me a beer. I think he even tried to grab my hair. Uh oh. The girls and I agreed that the bar was FULL of hot hipster guys, and we were with none of them. Fail. Eventually we ended the night, and laughed our whole way home.

Moral of the story: I'm sure Grouper is a great idea. Go out with your friends? Score! But I don't think I'm a fan. I don't like the idea of "competing" with my girlfriends...let's see who wants to talk to us! It's kinda odd. The best part of the night was laughing with my girls. And getting free drinks from guys we never had to talk to again. We win!

Boys Dumb. Girls Crazy.

Are girls more observant than guys?
I'm starting to think so.

A large portion of my relationships ended because I "observed" more carefully than the guy expected...

The worst example was when The Playboy and I had a wonderful night together celebrating the holidays, but then I went to use his restroom and saw a pile of bobby pins and fake eyelashes on the counter. I mean, really? He couldn't bother to clean up after another girl who spent the night... right after he promised me he would never see her again?? Sloppy.

Ron Swanson has been pretty perfect by normal standards, but when I went to eat his steak dinner I took a quick look around his bachelor pad. It was totally normal until she appeared...

"Ex-wife" labeled on a box for an external hard drive sitting right on his desk. Her real name was handwritten with little flowers surrounding...

Oh god. How can I not stalk her now? Is she prettier than me? 

I don't know if it's just my experience, but I think guys are not as good at cleaning up after their previous relationships. Hell, I make sure there's no sign of my ex before a new guy comes over. But, it seems I am always very aware of another girl's presence.

Girls are crazy. Guys, just don't leave your trail out in the open.

Girls love assholes.

Girls (like me) love assholes. Anyone who disagrees...you're wrong. We may grow tired and get over it, but we still love them deep down.

Married Man laughed at my reaction to Ron Swanson. "I love that you can't handle a guy being nice to you." But really what am I supposed to think?? The guy wants to make me dinner. That doesn't happen to me. There must be something wrong with him...obviously. Doesn't he know he's supposed to pressure me into sleeping with him, only to never contact me again?

This is just not normal.

It makes me mad that I'm so surprised by his behavior. Have I completely forgot about what it was like to have someone truly care about me? The Busy Builder isn't pleased with my latest entries. Shocking, I know. Naturally, he's felt a need to respond to my recent entries. He knows I have a weakness for assholes, yet he denies being one. "You made zero effort with me, and that probably made me want it more," I said. "It's more complicated than that," he replied. But I know that means he wishes we could hook up again. I told him I can no longer think about our situation as complicated. That's how I ended up seeing him for so long after he showed complete disregard for my feelings.

No more assholes. It's time for a cleanse. 

And hey, it doesn't hurt that I like hanging out with Ron Swanson. The man makes a nice steak dinner. 

Happy 30,000 Views!

Sorry, but today's post is not about my usually pathetic (yet laughable) dating life. Today I honor you: my readers. How can I do that? Well, I'd like to share one of my favorite parts of the backside of blogging. Traffic sources. 

I LOVE statistics! (Math nerd alert)

I google searched "math nerd" and found this

I get pleasure out of reading that my dating profile has been read 660 times, and that two people in Malaysia are reading my blog RIGHT NOW.

But the best part is knowing what people were "google searching" when they landed on my page...

Here are my favorites:

1. can you see your own cervix?
2. severely crooked penis
3. men don't get cherry tattoos
4. do I know you
5. drunk bowling
6. UR CUTE
7. crying girlfriend meme
8. she cock blocked me
9. lady parts fail
10. is he really being or blowing me off?

Thank you, readers. You fucking rock. 

Election Date

It's a little risky to go on a first date on Election Day. I didn't know if Ron Swanson also thought it was odd, but I went for it anyway. But he could be crazy conservative and bring up politics and we could start fighting. Or worse, Romney could win. What's the worst that could happen?

First impression: He's cute. Kinda scruffy (and kinda hairy) with pretty eyes and a big smile. He was wearing a red flannel, perfectly fitting for his Ron Swanson name. He opened the door for me. And then he tested me: "So, this place is beer and wine only." That's ok. I drink beer. (I passed)

We found some seats at one of the communal tables at The Tripel and he took the lead suggesting we split a few things. We have a very similar sense of dorky humor. I tried to remember more details about him, but when I went online to check his profile again before our date (to study) I noticed he deleted his account. Without me asking, he mentioned he's new to the site and got creeped out by some girl he didn't reply to that was checking his profile every day. Sounds about right. But damn....where is he from again? What does he do? How old is he?? Crap.

He's from Florida. When I asked why he moved out here, he said he wanted to work for Pixar...which is interesting since I wanted be a Disney Princess but they stopped making musicals. Lame. Also, he moved out here with a girl....HIS WIFE. His EX-wife. Deep breaths. I am actually okay with a divorcee. As my girl Patti Stanger would say, it's a sign that he's willing to commit. But as my mom would say..."as long as he's ACTUALLY divorced." Good points. 

Half way through the date and I was feeling pretty positive about him. We laughed a lot, and I accidentally flung my fork across the table. Typical. Then President Obama was predicted to be re-elected. I looked at him and asked, "are you happy or sad?" We were both happy. Phew. 

The bill came and he pulled out the credit card, no question. I did not offer to pay. Unfortunately for him, the waitress came back....DECLINED. This is awkward. He used a different card, and I could tell he was embarrassed. We left and he walked me back to the lot. I made him guess which car was mine and he said it would be very weird if I drove a cougar because that was his first car. I think that means I passed that test, too. As we said goodbye, he leaned in and I let him kiss me.

When I got home, he texted me that he had a really great time and wanted to see me again. He also made it a point to mention that his credit card number had been compromised, according to his bank. That's kinda cute. He didn't even realize I stole his identity when he went to the bathroom....muahahaha...just kidding.

My new favorite game on OKCupid

In case you've been paying attention to my snapshots of dating profiles, I deleted my POF account and decided to explore OKCupid. (And yes I'm still too cheap for the paid sites. If you think I should be on there, you should sponsor my membership.) I grew tired of seeing The Busy Builder's face pop up in my searches, and I don't think I even wrote about the time he messaged me on there recently. Yup. We met on the site, and five months later he went out with his brother and thought it would be funny to message me, "hey baby ;)." Even I know he was on there to show his brother some other girls he was probably talking to. Ugh.

Anyway, I realized that on OKCupid you can search by keyword!

My new favorite game is searching for bands I love and looking for guys who have similar musical interests. No more Weezer please. In my search for guys who also like my favorite band, Local Natives, I came upon a guy whose username has to do with "Ron Swanson."

I decided to write him. Be bold. Geez, I really love Ron Swanson. He understands the simple things in life...like steak.

After a fair bit of banter, Ron Swanson asked to get drinks at a local bar. He quickly changed his mind and invited me to dinner...on Election Day.

Here's hoping Ron Swanson is a Democrat!

The Worst Second Date

A couple days after my date with The Speed Dater, he texted to say he had a great time and wanted to see me again. This took two weeks to happen, due to his work schedule. Just what I need...another workaholic.

He met me at Westside Tavern after for dinner and a movie on Saturday night. Unfortunately, the movie was sold out so he bought us tickets to see Perks of Being a Wallflower. We had FOUR HOURS to kill before it started. So he suggested we go across the street to Gyu-Kaku instead. The wait was a little long, so we walked next door to The Wellsbourne for a drink. Oh great. This just turned into the same date I took The Busy Builder on for our fourth date. We went up to the bar and he ordered...a DIET COKE. Wait, what?

Five minutes later, I changed his name to Dick Downer.
Things that Dick Downer is allergic to:

• cats
• dust
• ALCOHOL
• sun
• happiness
• fun

"But you can order a drink," he said. That's okay. If I wanted to drink alone, I'd be in my pj's watching SNL. We walked into the restaurant and he panicked: "Does it seem safe to eat here? It looks dirty." Ummm...I laughed. I thought he was joking. He ordered for us without even asking me what I like, then dismissed himself to go wash his hands. [First text to friends: "Oh god. He doesn't drink."] He came back traumatized. "The bathroom is right next to the kitchen...and I don't think they're very careful about all that raw meat." He proceeded to wipe down our table. I laughed, uncomfortably.

Over the next four hours, I learned a lot about Dick Downer. 

Things that Dick Downer hates:

• germs
• bars that have live music 
• spending money
• his job
• his co-workers
• Chrismas music
• Republicans (yup, he talked politics on a second date)
• costumes
• his high school friends

This guy probably hates blowjobs and rainbows, too...

We finally made it over to the movie theater, and I snuck away to the bathroom. [Second text to sister: "Wish I was with you. This date is bleh."] The moment we sat down, he lifted the armrest and reached for my hand. Interesting, since we had no prior physical contact. The movie started and well...it isn't exactly a romantic comedy. I won't spoil it, but you shouldn't see this film on a date. When the plot turned, he pulled his hand away. After the movie, Dick Downer added something to the list of things he hates: 

• Perks of Being a Wallflower

He complained about its lack of originality, then complained about the $8 parking fee, and then complained about the parking garage. Just when I felt relieved to make it back to my car, he surprise-attacked my face. HE ATE MY FACE. And just like that, he was gone...and I wiped the saliva off my face and raced home. 

This is why first dates should last longer than thirty minutes...

I won't message you back if... #5

...you have a creepy tattoo...and/or a nipple piercing. 

Clearly he did not notice my photo eating a hamburger, which in my eye, is a gift from the man up above. 

Mmmm sinfully delicious animals.

Taking It Back, Tuesdays #9

I think this is the last post of this series, unless I can think of more stories that won't get me in trouble for sharing... I'm running out of exes! (Thank goodness.)

The Not-So-Virginal Virgin

I had two boyfriends in my high school years, and this one was the second. He was older. And by older I mean one whole grade older -- which made him SO much cooler than me (at least that's what he made me think). This is the story of how he helped spread a false rumor that I had gonorrhea in high school.

Mid-way through my junior year of high school, when I was dating The Not-So-Virginal Virgin, I contracted mono. I got horribly sick and had no idea why my throat was so sore, so I went to the doctor. She examined my throat and saw the infection taking over. She asked, "Are you sexually active?" Considering my boyfriend was a virgin, I was confused by this question.

Are we talking about BEFORE I started dating him? The Not-So-Virginal Virgin considered me something of a slut for having slept with one person. He was waiting for marriage. Or are we talking about the hand and mouth stuff that "virgins" are totally cool with? Apparently, if you give head to a guy who has gonorrhea, you can get the infection inside your mouth. Geez, that is fucking disgusting and so NOT what I had. But I made the mistake of telling my boyfriend what she said.

He was not pleased with the test results showing I had mono, either. "How could you get mono if I don't have it?" The stupid "kissing disease" can be passed around in lots of ways, asshole. I'm not a cheater. Anyway, I felt like absolute crap...and he made it worse. He dumped me.

He said he couldn't risk getting sick because of his "volleyball career."

So I was completely sick for a month, my boyfriend broke up with me and went to prom with someone else, and my other high school ex (The Bad Boy) called to make sure I didn't have gonorrhea....a rumor he heard at school in my absence. Awesome. Junior year was a great year.

FYI, The Not-So-Virginal Virgin boned his next girlfriend. His punishment for having sex before marriage? She hated sex. Sucks for him.

The Over-Texter

Remember Sarcastic Profile Guy from Monday's post? I gave him my number.

BIG MISTAKE.

I know he thinks it's the girls who are totally crazy, but I think it might be him. He's texting me WAY too much. It's annoying. There has to be balance, people!

There are so many things that are wrong about this "conversation." 

• The first text was at 9:45am, fifteen minutes after I got to work. Too early to text if I don't really know you.
• "Good to meet up tomorrow?" is NOT asking a girl out on a first date. That's why I didn't reply.
• But he didn't give up. 10am is a little better than 9:45am.
• Yup, I still didn't reply.

This is why he's 34 and single. 

Guys who love Weezer

They seem to just find me.

Let me start out by saying that I never disliked Weezer. In fact, I liked a lot of their songs...in the early 2000's. I love music. And I love guys that love music. But I just can't wrap my head around why guys are clinging on to River Cuomo. Isn't he kind of a douchebag?

photo courtesy of BANDS THAT ARE BETTER THAN WEEZER TUMBLR

Weezer's music seems to attract the males of my generation. They listened to their pseudo-emo songs in high school and thought, "Wow...they totally get me." I can relate. I felt the same way about Britney Spears. That's the same, right?

But this is real. Guys REALLY love Weezer. Their lyrics are proof that guys can be just as emotional as girls...maybe more?? Here's one guy's explanation of "Undone-The Sweater Song."

This song is about sexual repression and being jaded about sex. The protagonist is apathetic and jaded, and ignores people around him because he just doesn't care. The guy he speaks with in the beginning is his opposite, and outgoing flirtatious sociable type. The protagonist used to be like him, but has now become tired of it. Any woman he comes across offers him a relationship and implied carnal relations, but he is too jaded to care, perhaps because of being hurt in previous relationships. The chorus is about how girls want to have sex and undress the protagonist, but he is not interested, and just goes along with it because the girl is doing all the work. "If you want to destroy my sweater, hold this thread as i walk away." He walks away from sex and relationships because hes had it all and it is nothing new or interesting. Basically, it explains how one who has had so many bad, flaky relationships cannot find a true, substantial one. Everywhere he goes he is surrounded by shallow chicks who love him and leave him "undone."- A, Ellicott City, MD

[Cue Lindsay's dropped jaw.]

It's time to move on, guys. If you are over 25, you should probably stop acting (and dressing) like you are still in high school. It's a turn off. Let's go see some new bands!

Sure Weezer makes you "feel feelings," but I'm pretty sure a vagina would feel better.

Guys with Accents

I'm such a sucker. Aren't we all?

But after my first date with The Southern Gentleman, I'm not sure I can date a guy with one...again. Maybe it's an actor thing, but whenever I'm around someone with an accent I start taking it on. I'm a chameleon! 

The longer I sat with him, the harder it was for me to stop myself from saying "ya'll." Bad enough that I just returned from a visit with my family in Chicago. My accent is so confused! I don't know who I am anymore!

Sorry, Southern Gentleman. It's not going to work out. Also, I would have expected a man from North Carolina to open doors and walk me to my car. And not be 10 minutes late. 

photo courtesy of zazzle.com

How awesome...for you.

I lined up three different first dates. Some people accuse me of doing it for blog material, but truly I am a romantic. I want to fall in love. It just hasn't happened in a while, and I might as well go out and try to meet people. Also, I officially gave up on The Busy Builder. I've gotten a lot of messages from people rooting for that to work out, but the truth is...you can't MAKE someone like you.

I need some distraction, don't you think? And I actually got a little excited about Bachelor #2, a Jewish lawyer who wrote that he was six feet tall, and I actually believed it! We had a nice little phone conversation about a week before our date, and I felt like he and I would get along well.

The day before the date, the details hadn't been decided and my OCD planning anxiety took over. I texted him to see if we were still on. He called me right back. The Amateur seemed very cheery on the phone and then, "So I know we were set to go out tomorrow, but...I MET SOMEONE!"

Oh, ok well cool. Good for you. He went on and on (and on and on) about meeting this great girl, and how he didn't think it was fair to her or me if he went out with me. Amateur. Let's do the math here. We've been talking for approximately 1.5 weeks. That means he met this girl within 10 days...and he's already limiting his options?? Amateur!

I was happy for him, and told him I understood. But he didn't stop there. He proceeded to give me dating advice. He said he didn't have much luck on dating sites. He suggested I go out to some of those singles mixers (the Jewy ones) since apparently that's where he met Miss Perfect. Thanks a lot, pal. 

Welp, I got rejected before he even met me. That's a first.

Takin It Back, Tuesdays #4

The Mormon

I googled Jews in hell...
and Rachel Berry popped up.
I love her.

In honor of it being Rosh Hashanah (Jewish New Year to all the goyim), I decided to write about the first time I realized religion might matter in a relationship. Oddly, The Mormon is the one boyfriend I had that everyone remembers. My family treated him like their own, my friends all met him, and even my family in Chicago remembers "that one guy with the tongue ring." Yes, he was a Mormon with a Metallica tattoo and a tongue ring. I was 19; don't judge me. He worked at Dave & Busters...what do you expect? Note: he still works there, I think. Dodged a bullet!

I'm gonna go right ahead and say that The Mormon didn't come from a family with a strong moral background like I'd always imagined in Mormonism. His mother was an adult convert...after leaving the Hell's Angels. She HATED me because I am Jewish. And because she knew I had a tattoo (two at the time). You can't even imagine how much this would shock me. I mean, I'm a parent's dream girlfriend for their son! It was a constant battle with The Mormon, because he never believed she had it out for me.

One day after The Mormon's mother "treated" him, his twin brother, and me to a Del Taco dinner, she asked me a very strange question.

MM (Mormon Mom): "Are you nervous?"

Me: "...about what?"

MM: "Going to hell when you die."

Me: "Well actually, Jews don't believe in hell. So it's all good!" No that was just in my head. What I really said was, "Umm..what?"

Geez I really hated her. And you know what? Her son wasn't exactly the perfect Mormon role model. He had a tattoo she didn't know about (but he never defended mine). And he definitely didn't follow the whole, 'no sex before marriage thing.' Every time I pass that big ass Mormon temple on Santa Monica Boulevard, I think of how bizarre that relationship was. Where are the nice Jewish boys at??

Happy New Year!

I won't message you back if... #3

...your photos scare me.

Ahh!

Seriously?

Takin It Back, Tuesdays #3

The TJ's Guy

I created two dating rules for myself after The TJ's Guy:

1. Never date anyone who lives walking distance from your home. 
2. Never date anyone who works at your local grocery store, unless you are okay with driving further to get food when it all crashes down.

It was like fate kept bringing us together. I worked with The TJ's Guy in 2005. In 2008, he showed up as the "wingman" for a date I went on. The next morning, he showed up at brunch as my neighbor's high school friend. We really hit it off, but nothing came of it and soon after...I moved away from Newport Beach. 

In 2010, we were reunited at Tr@der Joe's, his place of work. I was hiding from The Playboy's ex-gf who hates me when I saw his cute little hipster glasses. Nothing is better than having the girl your ex dumped you for watch you get your flirt on with a super hot guy...even if he is a grocery store manager. 

The next day I received a Facebook message from The TJ's Guy. I saw he was "in a relationship" and was a little bummed. But being we were neighbors, he invited himself over to catch up. Don't worry, it was very friendly. Shortly after, he notified me that he was no longer with his girlfriend, and invited himself over again. I don't remember if it was even summer, but we spent a lot of days together laying by my pool listening to music and drinking wine he brought home from work. I'd say he's responsible for my love of hipster music. And maybe hipsters in general. He had a ridiculously hot body.

A lot of weird shit happened in my time with The TJ's Guy, and this post would be way too long if I described it all. But you should know (and sorry, mom, I know you think this is x-rated), The TJ's Guy was a sexaholic. And I got a lot of rugburns. And he was also a compulsive liar (he never broke up with his girlfriend). One night he texted me to pick him up from a bar and when I declined, he took a cab to my apartment and hopped the fence. He banged on my door at 1am, waking up my roommate and our dogs. Then he freaked out that my dog was "watching us." After that, I had to start driving 15 minutes away to get groceries.

Since he is the ONLY man I truly hate, I'm going to disclose that he had the weirdest penis I've ever seen. I'm not exaggerating when I say it SEVERELY curved to the left...even when hard.

When he'd climax, he would announce: "Ya never know where it's gonna go!" and become surprised when his load shot to the left on his sheets. I know! I know! It's going to go to the fucking LEFT! One time I even reached out and caught it. A friend of mine and I named that "The Reverse Spiderman." Think about it.

I sort of want to email him this post. Hey there, TJ's Guy! Remember all the photos you texted me of your crooked penis? I showed them to ALL my friends!

Takin It Back, Tuesdays #2

The Sweaty Guy

One college summer, I lived on campus while taking summer session. It was the perfect scenario:

9am-noon: School
12:30-3pm: Pool
5-10pm: Work
10:30pm: Try to catch up to my roommate, who lined up the number of shots she'd already taken while she waited for me to get home.

Rinse and repeat.

I was lounging by the pool when a friend introduced me to a six pack. Okay, I'm pretty sure there was a face and body attached to the six pack, but I swear I only saw abs. He was hot. A transfer to our school to join a sports team. I flirted my way into him getting my number, and then I flirted my way into a summer fling. He was interesting, smart, and very worldly...but there was just one thing: he was REALLY sweaty. I'm not one to judge, since I have a very efficient cooling system myself, but The Sweaty Guy wore a wristband to soak up his mess. At first I didn't mind it because sometimes he'd lift his shirt up to wipe sweat from his brow and I'd get a peek at those abs.

My roommate always knew when The Sweaty Guy was spending the night; I'd turn the air conditioning down to 68 degrees. One night I reached the breaking point. He was on top of me and the sweat fell onto my face. Ew.

"Hey baby...let's move to the shower. What do you think?"
No guy turns down shower sex. This is a fact.

He never knew my true intentions. [Insert evil laugh] Sorry Sweaty Guy! 

My Date with a Pro

No, you guys. I did not solicit a prostitute. Times are tough, but they're never that tough.

I believe that the best way to get over someone is to crush on someone else. So I got my butt back online and responded to a message from a guy who seemed nice. I couldn't tell if I was attracted in photos, so I figured we should just meet and decide then.

The Pro invited me out on a Friday night to a cool little gastropub near my house. I put on my big girl heels and met him outside the bar area, which was packed. He was a little guy, but his smile kept me attracted. We decided to venture somewhere else since the bar was so full (Guys, you should really plan for that situation) and walked to another nearby spot, which was also standing room only. Shocking. It's Friday night. We walked a little bit farther to one more restaurant, and decided to stick it out and get drinks while we hovered for seats.

Our conversations were pretty smooth until he asked me about my experience on the site. I told him I'd been on more than one date with two different guys. He replied that he's been on JDate (not the site we met on) for TEN years. Wait...what?

RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG!

Apparently, his Jewish mother suggested he join and he's been on there ever since. He considers himself something of an online dating professional. Umm...but he's only been on a couple second dates...EVER. I'm sure he saw the shock on my face; I couldn't hold it back. "No relationships have ever come from your online experiences in ten years? And wait, you're 32...so you've been on there since college?" 

Check please!

At least my cocktail was delicious...I went home at about 10pm that night only to receive a text from The Busy Builder minutes later. Oh, fuck my life.

I won't message you back if... #2

...you messaged me a month ago and I didn't respond. And now you message again with the lovely notion of sexting. Ew.

You can't get no...satisfaction.

Excuses, Excuses

Curious if The Busy Builder ever got his priorities in order? Yes, he did. And he chose work. Which is why he's single. And also why he should probably not be on a dating site looking for a relationship.

The Busy Builder drew this just days before the dump.

Here are some of the key points from our conversation. He didn't even realize all five are used by every single man on Earth:

1. I'm sorry. I'm an asshole. -Yeah, I get that. But what a copout. Why are you sorry? And what are you going to do about it?
2. I'm just really overwhelmed with work. -Aren't we all? This is one of my least favorite traits from the people of my generation. We're so busy trying to reach personal success, we forget it's all about who you share the moments of struggle with.
3. You deserve so much better than me. -Everyone hates hearing this from someone who has just dumped them. C'mon, we both know if you thought I was awesome, you wouldn't let this opportunity pass you by.
4. It's just bad timing. -Oh this one makes me so angry. Going alllllll the way back to Trechcoat Guy, I've been told that timing is everything. But my experience with The Aussie (a man who I met in Vegas, who lived in another country, and we still made it work somehow even though I hated the idea of long distance) shows me that timing doesn't mean a thing if it's the right person.
5. So, do you NOT want me to call/text you anymore? Can't we be friends? -No, we can't be friends. We had sex. And if you don't have the time to dedicate to me as a good boyfriend, you probably don't have time to be a good friend. And let's be real...you're not going to text me anyway.

I still don't think The Busy Builder is an asshole. Maybe that's my problem, but I always try to see the good in people. Do I think he's going to miss me? Absolutely. ;)