Happy 30,000 Views!

Sorry, but today's post is not about my usually pathetic (yet laughable) dating life. Today I honor you: my readers. How can I do that? Well, I'd like to share one of my favorite parts of the backside of blogging. Traffic sources. 

I LOVE statistics! (Math nerd alert)

I google searched "math nerd" and found this

I get pleasure out of reading that my dating profile has been read 660 times, and that two people in Malaysia are reading my blog RIGHT NOW.

But the best part is knowing what people were "google searching" when they landed on my page...

Here are my favorites:

1. can you see your own cervix?
2. severely crooked penis
3. men don't get cherry tattoos
4. do I know you
5. drunk bowling
6. UR CUTE
7. crying girlfriend meme
8. she cock blocked me
9. lady parts fail
10. is he really being or blowing me off?

Thank you, readers. You fucking rock. 

I'm dressing as a slutty _____ for Halloween.

I'm a single girl. It's our job to dress like a slutty version of ourselves on Halloween.

Here's a list of some of my slutty costumes (and a large percentage of them have been successful for this single girl, if you know what I mean) in case you need a last minute idea:

• Slutty Pirate aka "Whore of the Caribbean"
• Slutty Little Red Riding Hood
• Slutty Girl Scout aka "Boy Scout"
• Slutty Panda 
• Slutty Mermaid
• Slutty Cookie Monster 
• Miley Cyrus (no slutty required)
• Slutty Cowgirl
• Slutty Minnie Mouse

But my most successful costume (even though I didn't meet anyone that night) would have to be...

Slutty Spelling Bee

Nerdy glasses and cleavage for the win.

Hot N Cold

He Likes Me!

He invites me to dinner.

He Doesn't Like Me.

For the next two weeks he only wants to see me after he's been out drinking.

He Likes Me! 

He invites me over just to hang out, knowing I'm umm...out of commission.

He Doesn't Like Me.

....then jokes that I'll owe him.

He Likes Me!

He invites me out on a Saturday night (prime time) to a bar where some of his friends will be.

He Doesn't Like Me.

"Hey, this is my friend Lindsay."

He Likes Me!

Public display of affection.

He Doesn't Like Me.

I think that happened after a few drinks. Doesn't count.

wikipedia

Ugh. I'm living a Katy Perry song. Low point.

Taking It Back, Tuesdays #9

I think this is the last post of this series, unless I can think of more stories that won't get me in trouble for sharing... I'm running out of exes! (Thank goodness.)

The Not-So-Virginal Virgin

I had two boyfriends in my high school years, and this one was the second. He was older. And by older I mean one whole grade older -- which made him SO much cooler than me (at least that's what he made me think). This is the story of how he helped spread a false rumor that I had gonorrhea in high school.

Mid-way through my junior year of high school, when I was dating The Not-So-Virginal Virgin, I contracted mono. I got horribly sick and had no idea why my throat was so sore, so I went to the doctor. She examined my throat and saw the infection taking over. She asked, "Are you sexually active?" Considering my boyfriend was a virgin, I was confused by this question.

Are we talking about BEFORE I started dating him? The Not-So-Virginal Virgin considered me something of a slut for having slept with one person. He was waiting for marriage. Or are we talking about the hand and mouth stuff that "virgins" are totally cool with? Apparently, if you give head to a guy who has gonorrhea, you can get the infection inside your mouth. Geez, that is fucking disgusting and so NOT what I had. But I made the mistake of telling my boyfriend what she said.

He was not pleased with the test results showing I had mono, either. "How could you get mono if I don't have it?" The stupid "kissing disease" can be passed around in lots of ways, asshole. I'm not a cheater. Anyway, I felt like absolute crap...and he made it worse. He dumped me.

He said he couldn't risk getting sick because of his "volleyball career."

So I was completely sick for a month, my boyfriend broke up with me and went to prom with someone else, and my other high school ex (The Bad Boy) called to make sure I didn't have gonorrhea....a rumor he heard at school in my absence. Awesome. Junior year was a great year.

FYI, The Not-So-Virginal Virgin boned his next girlfriend. His punishment for having sex before marriage? She hated sex. Sucks for him.

Can you see the cervix?

Part of being a single girl is making sure the lady parts are in top health. Off I went to my annual check up with the Lady Doctor, who was running about 45 minutes behind on appointments. Great. As I glanced around the room at the couples reading Parenting Magazine, every woman with bellies popped out from the baby sucking the life out of their insides, I couldn't help but feel like THEY were judging ME. Yeah, that's right. I'm here without a baby in my belly. Without a man. 

After waiting 30 minutes, the nurse notifies me that my Lady Doctor (who is a lady herself) will be accompanied by a male medical student. "Do you mind?" she asked. Considering how long I'd been waiting, I decided to let the student be part of my appointment. Whatever. It's for science.

I went into the cold, sterile exam room and was asked to undress completely. Paper tops and skirts are all the rage in the Lady Doctor's office. By the time she came in to greet me with The Med Student, I was freezing. I shook his hand and tried not to look him in the eye. It's for science. He's going to be a doctor. The conversation started pretty normally, considering this was my first visit with a new doctor. She asked all the usual questions:

• Are you sexually active?
• Are you on birth control?
• Do you use condoms?
• When was your last period?

And then she saw my boobs and started asking about my reconstructive surgery. (Another story, another post.) The Med Student tried not to look. And I tried not to look at his face. So I stared at his nametag and...OH MY GOD. I KNOW HIM! My face must have turned bright red, and I could feel the sweat dripping on my paper shirt. Fuck. We went to high school together. Does he recognize me? If he saw my chart, he knows everything about me! Why didn't he say anything??

And all of a sudden it's time for her to insert the speculum for my pap smear. Gentleman, go home and kiss your girlfriend/wife after you click that link. It's no fun. The Lady Doctor leaned back and asked The Med Student, "Can you see the cervix?" I died.

At least he knows I have a normal, healthy cervix. He saw more than any of the guys on my list ever have. Congrats, Med Student.