All the women who independent! Throw your hands up at me!

I've been single for a while now. 

Well, I've been officially single for about a year. And since I spent all of 2011 in a long-distance relationship, my independence was never affected. When I have a flat tire, I call AAA (or Pinata). When I go to the grocery store, I manage to carry all six of my grocery bags to the house all by myself in one trip. Yes, six bags of groceries for one person. Don't judge me. When I need to reach something on the top shelf, I climb. When I need to open a jar that's really stuck...I swear like a truck driver and bang it on the counter until it opens! "You're mine...bitch!"

Where am I going with this? Well, I've just noticed now that I kind of have someone I can depend on, my inner "independent woman" is resisting a little bit:

Ron Swanson, noticing me climbing on a chair to reach a mixing bowl...trying to balance on my tiptoes: "Need some help?"

No.

Ron Swanson, watching me try to carry my purse, heavy coat, scarf, suitcase, and shopping bag to the car: "Can I carry something?"

No. I got it.

Ron Swanson, listening to me scream about the mouse that's been terrorizing my bedroom lately: "Do you want me to come help you, or do you want to just come over here?"

No. I'll handle it.

I bet Beyoncé carries her own bag.

The F Word

My posts may have slowed their pace, but my "relationship" with Ron Swanson has been speeding up. Within a mere month of dating, he's met my family and we've been introduced to each other's group of friends. 

And then he said the F word: FUTURE.

To be specific, "I'm excited for our future."

While I am very happy with how things are going, I couldn't help but hear Squints' voice from The Sandlot saying...

I guess it's been a while since this single girl thought about what life would be like as a not-so-single girl.

So, I have this blog...

As Ron Swanson and I started spending more time together, I started to feel like there was an elephant sitting on my chest...

I'm totally lying to him until I tell him about this blog's existence!! I have to tell him!!!!

I consulted my male friends, who all thought it was way too soon to unleash the toxic info. But I did it anyway. If I was going to bring him to meet my family for Thanksgiving, he had to know. I couldn't risk that he found out from someone other than me...

Me: "So, I feel like I need to tell you something..."

Ron: "Uh oh"

Me: "Well...it's just that I've not told you, I'm kind of an avid blogger. I've had a few over the years."

Ron: "About what?"

Me: "I used to write one about working in restaurants, and it was pretty well-liked, but then I quit. And I wanted to start writing again, but I needed something about my current life..."

Ron: "Your sex life?"

Me: "Well, not exactly....but my dating life. I started writing about my experiences with online dating mostly."

Ron: "Have you written about me?"

Me: "Yes. But only good things!"

Ron: "Okay, well that's cool. I get it. It's a creative outlet."

THE END. He didn't ask me anything else! In fact, he didn't even want to read it or know what it's called...which is pretty easy to maintain since he's not on Facebook. And he didn't care if I continued to write about him, so here we are.

That was a little too easy. 

Boys Dumb. Girls Crazy.

Are girls more observant than guys?
I'm starting to think so.

A large portion of my relationships ended because I "observed" more carefully than the guy expected...

The worst example was when The Playboy and I had a wonderful night together celebrating the holidays, but then I went to use his restroom and saw a pile of bobby pins and fake eyelashes on the counter. I mean, really? He couldn't bother to clean up after another girl who spent the night... right after he promised me he would never see her again?? Sloppy.

Ron Swanson has been pretty perfect by normal standards, but when I went to eat his steak dinner I took a quick look around his bachelor pad. It was totally normal until she appeared...

"Ex-wife" labeled on a box for an external hard drive sitting right on his desk. Her real name was handwritten with little flowers surrounding...

Oh god. How can I not stalk her now? Is she prettier than me? 

I don't know if it's just my experience, but I think guys are not as good at cleaning up after their previous relationships. Hell, I make sure there's no sign of my ex before a new guy comes over. But, it seems I am always very aware of another girl's presence.

Girls are crazy. Guys, just don't leave your trail out in the open.

Girls love assholes.

Girls (like me) love assholes. Anyone who disagrees...you're wrong. We may grow tired and get over it, but we still love them deep down.

Married Man laughed at my reaction to Ron Swanson. "I love that you can't handle a guy being nice to you." But really what am I supposed to think?? The guy wants to make me dinner. That doesn't happen to me. There must be something wrong with him...obviously. Doesn't he know he's supposed to pressure me into sleeping with him, only to never contact me again?

This is just not normal.

It makes me mad that I'm so surprised by his behavior. Have I completely forgot about what it was like to have someone truly care about me? The Busy Builder isn't pleased with my latest entries. Shocking, I know. Naturally, he's felt a need to respond to my recent entries. He knows I have a weakness for assholes, yet he denies being one. "You made zero effort with me, and that probably made me want it more," I said. "It's more complicated than that," he replied. But I know that means he wishes we could hook up again. I told him I can no longer think about our situation as complicated. That's how I ended up seeing him for so long after he showed complete disregard for my feelings.

No more assholes. It's time for a cleanse. 

And hey, it doesn't hurt that I like hanging out with Ron Swanson. The man makes a nice steak dinner. 

Happy 30,000 Views!

Sorry, but today's post is not about my usually pathetic (yet laughable) dating life. Today I honor you: my readers. How can I do that? Well, I'd like to share one of my favorite parts of the backside of blogging. Traffic sources. 

I LOVE statistics! (Math nerd alert)

I google searched "math nerd" and found this

I get pleasure out of reading that my dating profile has been read 660 times, and that two people in Malaysia are reading my blog RIGHT NOW.

But the best part is knowing what people were "google searching" when they landed on my page...

Here are my favorites:

1. can you see your own cervix?
2. severely crooked penis
3. men don't get cherry tattoos
4. do I know you
5. drunk bowling
6. UR CUTE
7. crying girlfriend meme
8. she cock blocked me
9. lady parts fail
10. is he really being or blowing me off?

Thank you, readers. You fucking rock. 

Chivalry is NOT dead.

Over the years, a lot of people have urged me not date guys from Los Angeles. Actually, people said the same thing about Orange County guys when I lived in Newport. They're all Peter Pan types, who aren't interested in getting in serious relationships and blah blah blah. I tuned it out. Because what else was I supposed to do?

Transplants must be where it's at. Ron Swanson is from Florida, but he's lived in LA for a few years. It's a good blend of southern manners with LA style. I'll admit I have been a little thrown off and weary of his gentleman-like nature. It's been a long time since I dated someone who...

• Opens doors and pulls out chairs
• Always asks if I'm warm enough, and offers his coat
• Compliments genuinely and often...but not too often.
• ...And listens.

On our first date, Ron Swanson asked my favorite type of food. I love Asian cuisine, but told him that even though I spent years slinging pasta, Italian food will always be most comforting. He listened and took me to an Italian restaurant on our second date. 

I'm here to announce: Chivalry is NOT dead. 

The Worst Second Date

A couple days after my date with The Speed Dater, he texted to say he had a great time and wanted to see me again. This took two weeks to happen, due to his work schedule. Just what I need...another workaholic.

He met me at Westside Tavern after for dinner and a movie on Saturday night. Unfortunately, the movie was sold out so he bought us tickets to see Perks of Being a Wallflower. We had FOUR HOURS to kill before it started. So he suggested we go across the street to Gyu-Kaku instead. The wait was a little long, so we walked next door to The Wellsbourne for a drink. Oh great. This just turned into the same date I took The Busy Builder on for our fourth date. We went up to the bar and he ordered...a DIET COKE. Wait, what?

Five minutes later, I changed his name to Dick Downer.
Things that Dick Downer is allergic to:

• cats
• dust
• ALCOHOL
• sun
• happiness
• fun

"But you can order a drink," he said. That's okay. If I wanted to drink alone, I'd be in my pj's watching SNL. We walked into the restaurant and he panicked: "Does it seem safe to eat here? It looks dirty." Ummm...I laughed. I thought he was joking. He ordered for us without even asking me what I like, then dismissed himself to go wash his hands. [First text to friends: "Oh god. He doesn't drink."] He came back traumatized. "The bathroom is right next to the kitchen...and I don't think they're very careful about all that raw meat." He proceeded to wipe down our table. I laughed, uncomfortably.

Over the next four hours, I learned a lot about Dick Downer. 

Things that Dick Downer hates:

• germs
• bars that have live music 
• spending money
• his job
• his co-workers
• Chrismas music
• Republicans (yup, he talked politics on a second date)
• costumes
• his high school friends

This guy probably hates blowjobs and rainbows, too...

We finally made it over to the movie theater, and I snuck away to the bathroom. [Second text to sister: "Wish I was with you. This date is bleh."] The moment we sat down, he lifted the armrest and reached for my hand. Interesting, since we had no prior physical contact. The movie started and well...it isn't exactly a romantic comedy. I won't spoil it, but you shouldn't see this film on a date. When the plot turned, he pulled his hand away. After the movie, Dick Downer added something to the list of things he hates: 

• Perks of Being a Wallflower

He complained about its lack of originality, then complained about the $8 parking fee, and then complained about the parking garage. Just when I felt relieved to make it back to my car, he surprise-attacked my face. HE ATE MY FACE. And just like that, he was gone...and I wiped the saliva off my face and raced home. 

This is why first dates should last longer than thirty minutes...

Spring Forward, Fall Back

I spent my extra hour...blogging.

The season changed, and my summer romance officially ended. In fact, I closed the door on everyone I'd been in contact with:

The Aussie
The Over-Texter
The Not-So-Tall Guy
The Busy Builder

After I posted my "Takin It Back, Tuesdays" about The Aussie (and he confessed he knew about the blog all along), we decided it's better when we don't have contact with each other. This might be the first time neither one of us has the other's phone number. It's for the best.

The Over-Texter was umm...texting me too much. So I politely told him I was interested. He said ok.

I was a complete dick to the Not-So-Tall Guy. Ugh. I feel so badly about how it all went down, but I pretty much just pulled a disappearing act. I should have told him a long, long time ago that I just didn't have romantical feelings for him.

And now I'll say what many who read this already know...I'd still be seeing The Busy Builder all summer. We started hanging out about once a week, and I started to think the feelings were strong for both of us. But I was wrong. I'd been having all kinds of anxiety, wanting to tell him how I felt. And then he dressed as an online dating profile for Halloween. I put my heart out there, though via text. I wanted to be included in his world, meet his friends, be more than the girl he hung out with out of laziness at the end of a night. I told him I was ready to shut down this blog and delete my dating profile because I only wanted to hang out with him. But he didn't want that. So that's that.

While part of me has been sad, feeling like I did last November when The Aussie and I ended our relationship, the other part feels relieved. I'm too awesome to settle for only a little attention and consideration. Time for a new season!

Just me and this guy again...

The Over-Texter

Remember Sarcastic Profile Guy from Monday's post? I gave him my number.

BIG MISTAKE.

I know he thinks it's the girls who are totally crazy, but I think it might be him. He's texting me WAY too much. It's annoying. There has to be balance, people!

There are so many things that are wrong about this "conversation." 

• The first text was at 9:45am, fifteen minutes after I got to work. Too early to text if I don't really know you.
• "Good to meet up tomorrow?" is NOT asking a girl out on a first date. That's why I didn't reply.
• But he didn't give up. 10am is a little better than 9:45am.
• Yup, I still didn't reply.

This is why he's 34 and single. 

Please excuse my lack of enthusiasm.

I got an email after yesterday's post:

"Hey there. Sounds like you're getting pretty jaded with all the online dates. If you aren't feeling the butterflies anymore, maybe you should stop."

That's the third person to tell me I'm "jaded." I hate that stupid word.

jad·ed/ˈjādid/

 

Adjective:

Tired, bored, or lacking enthusiasm, typically after having had too much of something.

I wouldn't label myself as "jaded." Sure, I'm just as tired of being single as the next soon-to-be 28 year-old whose Facebook is filled with engagements, weddings, and pregnancy announcements. But I wouldn't say I've had too much of dating. It hasn't lost its appeal. Love is awesome.

I know what the butterflies feel like, I just don't expect them on a first date with someone I met online. You know that feeling you get when you meet someone interesting out in the real world? It's just not the same with online dating. The first date is more of a test...to see if you want to go on a real life date with them. You just want to be sure they look like what they said they look like, and screen them for the psycho-gene. It's not as organic as real life.

So, please excuse my lack of enthusiasm. My butterflies are still alive; they're just not getting their hopes up too soon.

However, if being "jaded" means I am Mila Kunis in the Aerosmith music video, I'm all in!

Does size matter?

Relax, Mom. This isn't a post about penis size. It's about one of my dating dealbreakers: Weight. 

This is a true insight into the female mind. I fully accept that I am showing my readers what crazy thoughts go through my head.

I'm not a tall girl. I can't even imagine what it's like for those girls over 5'7 trying to find a guy online (or in the world) that makes them feel petite. By all standards, I AM petite. I'm 5'3. It's not hard to find a guy that's taller than me. And although I do love me some five inch heels, I would never dismiss a guy for being short. There are many different attributes that made my not-so-tall Aussie seem six feet tall. But I will admit, I am more attracted to tall guys.

The crazy reason behind this is weight. While I am small, I wouldn't label myself as skinny -- especially not by LA standards. I like tall guys because they make me feel little. I think most girls have that desire to feel small in their man's arms. Recently I met a guy who is not-so-tall. I know, I know...I haven't gone through the hilarity of our first few dates on here, and that's mostly because I haven't told him about this blog yet. Oopsies. I've happily put my cutest flats on for our dates because he makes me laugh.

The trouble is, not only is he not-so-tall, he's also not-so-big. He's pretty skinny. Every time we're out, my mind starts drifting to what it would be like if our relationship progressed to nakedness...I might squish him. I would definitely feel like a giant on top of him. Guys, I would rather you have a bit of a beer belly than be manorexic. And I know some guys can't really help that...lucky bastards. 

So here's my dealbreaker: If you weigh equal to or less than I do, it's just not going to happen. If you wear a size small or extra small, you're not for me. It might not seem fair, but you can't help what you are or are not attracted to.

What's really twisted is that I definitely love a skinny hipster in his skinny jeans. He just has to be over six feet!

Takin It Back, Tuesdays #5

The Aussie

Exactly one year ago, The Aussie came to visit me in Los Angeles after nine months of long distance dating and a lot of Skype. I had just moved into the apartment that would be his home in less than six months, and couldn't wait to show him my city. The trip didn't go as well as I had planned. [Understatement] I thought about writing about how he fucked it up, but instead I would like to share the story of my 'Crazy Girl' moment while he was here. 

I planned the most fun-filled two week trip for The Aussie's stay in LA. What? Me overplan? Never! What? Make a calendar of all the places we'd go and see? That's not like me at ALL! On this particular day, we were set to go to Malibu. We got all dressed and ready and went down to my garage. My car wouldn't start. I panicked. Why isn't it starting?? C'mon little cougar! Naturally, there is always something wrong with the cougar. This time it was the battery.

But instead of playing it cool, I had a total meltdown. In front of man who had only spent 12 days physically in my company...ever.

"Why is there always something wrong with this fucking car?? I never get a break! This isn't how today was supposed to go!! How are we going to get anywhere while you're here?? The car rental place isn't even open today! Ahhh [insert Crazy Girl crying sesh] I hate my life! I just wanted to have a nice trip...OMG you must think I'm so crazy! Look at me total freaking out in front of you. You're never going to want to be with me after this. [more crying] I totally ruined this day!!!"

And then AAA came and changed my battery. And we went to Malibu. And this is not why we broke up.

I'm sorry for being so mean to you, little cougar. I still love you.

But not The Aussie. 

Guys with Accents

I'm such a sucker. Aren't we all?

But after my first date with The Southern Gentleman, I'm not sure I can date a guy with one...again. Maybe it's an actor thing, but whenever I'm around someone with an accent I start taking it on. I'm a chameleon! 

The longer I sat with him, the harder it was for me to stop myself from saying "ya'll." Bad enough that I just returned from a visit with my family in Chicago. My accent is so confused! I don't know who I am anymore!

Sorry, Southern Gentleman. It's not going to work out. Also, I would have expected a man from North Carolina to open doors and walk me to my car. And not be 10 minutes late. 

photo courtesy of zazzle.com

Takin It Back, Tuesdays #3

The TJ's Guy

I created two dating rules for myself after The TJ's Guy:

1. Never date anyone who lives walking distance from your home. 
2. Never date anyone who works at your local grocery store, unless you are okay with driving further to get food when it all crashes down.

It was like fate kept bringing us together. I worked with The TJ's Guy in 2005. In 2008, he showed up as the "wingman" for a date I went on. The next morning, he showed up at brunch as my neighbor's high school friend. We really hit it off, but nothing came of it and soon after...I moved away from Newport Beach. 

In 2010, we were reunited at Tr@der Joe's, his place of work. I was hiding from The Playboy's ex-gf who hates me when I saw his cute little hipster glasses. Nothing is better than having the girl your ex dumped you for watch you get your flirt on with a super hot guy...even if he is a grocery store manager. 

The next day I received a Facebook message from The TJ's Guy. I saw he was "in a relationship" and was a little bummed. But being we were neighbors, he invited himself over to catch up. Don't worry, it was very friendly. Shortly after, he notified me that he was no longer with his girlfriend, and invited himself over again. I don't remember if it was even summer, but we spent a lot of days together laying by my pool listening to music and drinking wine he brought home from work. I'd say he's responsible for my love of hipster music. And maybe hipsters in general. He had a ridiculously hot body.

A lot of weird shit happened in my time with The TJ's Guy, and this post would be way too long if I described it all. But you should know (and sorry, mom, I know you think this is x-rated), The TJ's Guy was a sexaholic. And I got a lot of rugburns. And he was also a compulsive liar (he never broke up with his girlfriend). One night he texted me to pick him up from a bar and when I declined, he took a cab to my apartment and hopped the fence. He banged on my door at 1am, waking up my roommate and our dogs. Then he freaked out that my dog was "watching us." After that, I had to start driving 15 minutes away to get groceries.

Since he is the ONLY man I truly hate, I'm going to disclose that he had the weirdest penis I've ever seen. I'm not exaggerating when I say it SEVERELY curved to the left...even when hard.

When he'd climax, he would announce: "Ya never know where it's gonna go!" and become surprised when his load shot to the left on his sheets. I know! I know! It's going to go to the fucking LEFT! One time I even reached out and caught it. A friend of mine and I named that "The Reverse Spiderman." Think about it.

I sort of want to email him this post. Hey there, TJ's Guy! Remember all the photos you texted me of your crooked penis? I showed them to ALL my friends!

Can you see the cervix?

Part of being a single girl is making sure the lady parts are in top health. Off I went to my annual check up with the Lady Doctor, who was running about 45 minutes behind on appointments. Great. As I glanced around the room at the couples reading Parenting Magazine, every woman with bellies popped out from the baby sucking the life out of their insides, I couldn't help but feel like THEY were judging ME. Yeah, that's right. I'm here without a baby in my belly. Without a man. 

After waiting 30 minutes, the nurse notifies me that my Lady Doctor (who is a lady herself) will be accompanied by a male medical student. "Do you mind?" she asked. Considering how long I'd been waiting, I decided to let the student be part of my appointment. Whatever. It's for science.

I went into the cold, sterile exam room and was asked to undress completely. Paper tops and skirts are all the rage in the Lady Doctor's office. By the time she came in to greet me with The Med Student, I was freezing. I shook his hand and tried not to look him in the eye. It's for science. He's going to be a doctor. The conversation started pretty normally, considering this was my first visit with a new doctor. She asked all the usual questions:

• Are you sexually active?
• Are you on birth control?
• Do you use condoms?
• When was your last period?

And then she saw my boobs and started asking about my reconstructive surgery. (Another story, another post.) The Med Student tried not to look. And I tried not to look at his face. So I stared at his nametag and...OH MY GOD. I KNOW HIM! My face must have turned bright red, and I could feel the sweat dripping on my paper shirt. Fuck. We went to high school together. Does he recognize me? If he saw my chart, he knows everything about me! Why didn't he say anything??

And all of a sudden it's time for her to insert the speculum for my pap smear. Gentleman, go home and kiss your girlfriend/wife after you click that link. It's no fun. The Lady Doctor leaned back and asked The Med Student, "Can you see the cervix?" I died.

At least he knows I have a normal, healthy cervix. He saw more than any of the guys on my list ever have. Congrats, Med Student. 

Interview with a Married Man

I've mentioned before that my dating mentor happens to be a guy...one I've known for seven years now. Geez, Married Man, you're fucking old. We became friends through one of my lovely exes, and I even watched as he became Mr. Married Man. I'm still not sure how he got Mrs. Married Man to say "I do"...But he's a great combo of asshole and gentleman. I've gotten a few dating questions from readers since starting this blog, and my response is always, 

"Are you reading this thing? I'm terrible at dating!" Naturally, I looked to Married Man for guidance. Here is how it went:

Lindsay: Okay, I'm going on a lot of first dates...What’s the worst thing a girl can do on a first date?
MM: For a girl, it’s being too aggressive. If you’re trying to impress a guy, the best way to find a good guy is to force him to slow down.  If it’s the right guy, he’ll take the time to wait.  Also, stay away from any kind of conversation about sex or anything sexual.  But, but, but...
You want to attract the guy and give him some slight touches throughout the night to let him know you’re interested, but don’t go too far.

What’s the best thing?
For a guy, I’m a firm believer that doing the chivalrous things (opening doors, paying for the food, offering to give her a ride home, etc) are usually the best. Also, make sure you actually listen to what the girl is saying.  It sounds easy to do, but so many people do it wrong. The better you really listen to her, the better off you’ll be. For girls, listening to what the guy says and acting engaged in what he says will always help. I’d also say (and this kind of goes against what I just said), giving a guy a challenge gets to the heart of most guys. We think we are pretty awesome, so if you listen but don’t act like we're the greatest thing since sliced bread or give into requests for physical contact on the first date, most guys will be at least interested. Ugh it's so confusing.

How many guys can a girl date at once, and for how long?
That really just depends on the girl. When I was single, I could rarely date more than one girl at a time and if I did, the girls always knew that I was. Generally, one person starts to win out and becomes preferred unless it’s just about sex. Guys HATE being unimportant, so a girl will probably be less successful at dating multiple people. But imagine with online dating, it takes a little longer to know if you really like someone. Yeah, well I'd still say you have about a month from your first face-to-face meeting to figure it out.

I try really hard not to be a crazy girl. Who do you think are crazier in relationships? Girls or guys?
Girls are definitely crazier because nearly everything holds meaning to you. I once heard relationships described as one person chasing the other at one point or another. Not so much physically chasing, but in their mind thinking that they need to do more to impress the other. The person that is doing the chasing is nearly always the person that is crazier. That, to me, is huge in every relationship because the moment neither one is chasing the other is the moment that a lot of the passion disappears. I think the only relationships that ever become official for me, resulted because I was the one being chased. I'm a bad hunter.

So, how do you get past the casual dating to being boyfriend/girlfriend without scaring someone off?
With a lot of the girls I dated, we never became “official” until a good six months into dating because I’m not all that comfortable with titles. Really I just think its a conversation to have after a decent amount of time dating (at least a month).

And how do you feel about being Facebook Official?
I think being Facebook official is stupid. It makes no difference what your Facebook says as long as you know. If you’re posting to each other’s wall and having fun that way, everyone already knows. They’re stalking you, too...remember? Making it Facebook official just adds an extra level of pressure that most of us don’t need anyways. That's why I'm engaged to a girl on there! However, if you’re getting married, I’d say change your status IMMEDIATELY!

I feel like there is still a double standard for girls in the dating world... Am I a slut?
I don’t believe in the double standard, but overall women are expected to be “less experienced” than the guys that they are with. But I’m wondering, “Who are the guys having sex with if girls aren’t supposed to have sex??” To me, it’s all about doing what makes you feel comfortable. I do believe that there are times when we can get too focused on sex and need to pull back to really focus on what we want in someone.

If you went on a date with me and then later found out about Every Single Day, would you still like me?
A blog shouldn’t make any self respecting guy stop dating a girl. You’re not using names, just your own personal descriptions of the guys. Any guy scared of that needs to grow a pair, man up and start behaving.

What kind of guy would you like to see me date?
A guy who is mature and willing to put you first. Don’t waste time with someone who won’t put you first. Easier said than done! I always think that's temporary. There are tons of good guys out there; you’re just looking in the wrong places. Stop going to bars to meet guys. I was one of those guys, and none of them were looking for their future wife.

How did you know Mrs. Married Man was “the one?”
I don’t remember the actual moment, but I just remember sitting there one day driving over to her place and thought to myself, this is the girl I’m going to marry. She didn’t know it yet, but I definitely did. Her moment came a couple weeks later when I was helping her make up her bed. Sometimes its those weird little innocuous things that change someone’s mind and move someone to that “one” level.

Any parting advice for the single guys out there reading my blog?
Treat every girl like you would treat your mom. Value her opinion the way you would your mom. Listen to her the way you would your mom. Open the door and take care of her the way you would your mom. Not every girl will cherish it the same way, but it’ll help you move your way through the wrong girls quicker.

Excuses, Excuses

Curious if The Busy Builder ever got his priorities in order? Yes, he did. And he chose work. Which is why he's single. And also why he should probably not be on a dating site looking for a relationship.

The Busy Builder drew this just days before the dump.

Here are some of the key points from our conversation. He didn't even realize all five are used by every single man on Earth:

1. I'm sorry. I'm an asshole. -Yeah, I get that. But what a copout. Why are you sorry? And what are you going to do about it?
2. I'm just really overwhelmed with work. -Aren't we all? This is one of my least favorite traits from the people of my generation. We're so busy trying to reach personal success, we forget it's all about who you share the moments of struggle with.
3. You deserve so much better than me. -Everyone hates hearing this from someone who has just dumped them. C'mon, we both know if you thought I was awesome, you wouldn't let this opportunity pass you by.
4. It's just bad timing. -Oh this one makes me so angry. Going alllllll the way back to Trechcoat Guy, I've been told that timing is everything. But my experience with The Aussie (a man who I met in Vegas, who lived in another country, and we still made it work somehow even though I hated the idea of long distance) shows me that timing doesn't mean a thing if it's the right person.
5. So, do you NOT want me to call/text you anymore? Can't we be friends? -No, we can't be friends. We had sex. And if you don't have the time to dedicate to me as a good boyfriend, you probably don't have time to be a good friend. And let's be real...you're not going to text me anyway.

I still don't think The Busy Builder is an asshole. Maybe that's my problem, but I always try to see the good in people. Do I think he's going to miss me? Absolutely. ;)

The EX Games

I got wrapped up in my "I think I'm getting close to having a boyfriend" thoughts. This led to an event I am really not proud of, but I'm going to own up to it. And if The Busy Builder reads this, it will be the first he's heard of it...

Or rather, the Ex Games...

Against my better judgement, I was still in contact with The Aussie. He surprised me with a trip he planned to Los Angeles since he had an Aussie football tournament in San Diego. When he told me he would stay in a hostel and find his way around, my soft spot for him suggested he stay in the guest room at my house (with no funny business). I instantly regretted my offer, but it was already out there, and he accepted. Subsequently, he went on a mission to make the trip about winning me back:

• He bought me tickets to see the X games on Friday and Saturday 
• He bought us tickets to the Dodger game on Sunday

I made it very clear that I had to work while he was in town, and that I'd try to come to what I could. 

As the weekend grew close, I nearly bit all my nails off with anxiety. I REALLY didn't think it was a good idea for us to see each other. I didn't want to hurt him. And selfishly, I would have much rather spent the weekend with The Busy Builder.

Two days before The Aussie arrived, I told him I no longer felt comfortable with him staying at my house. Ugh, I'm an asshole. Frankly, I didn't trust him alone in my house. Last time he logged into my Facebook and read all my private messages. He has a history of snooping through my personal items. My friendship with my ex-boyfriends caused a lot of drama in our relationship, and I wasn't about to continue the cycle with my new relationship. He was really upset, but said he hoped we could still hang out...I said yes to lunch on Saturday and Dodgers on Sunday. 

Friday night instead of going to the X games, I went out and met The Busy Builder's friends. He spent the night and I had no problem sleeping with him while knowing The Aussie was sitting alone in his hostel. I'm an asshole. The next morning my phone buzzed with a text from The Aussie confirming lunch, and I ignored it to get waffles with The Busy Builder. We spent the afternoon in my backyard drinking margaritas and playing silly 20 question games about each other. I was having the best day with him, but my phone kept interrupting with The Aussie's calls and texts. I'm an asshole. After The Busy Builder left my house to get some work done, I finally texted The Aussie back that I was sorry for not answering. I'm sure he knew why. He yelled at me and told me I am the biggest bitch he's ever met and he couldn't believe he flew out there to see me (even though I never asked him to). I felt awful, but also relieved. I guess I needed him to hate me. So he could move on for good.

I never even told The Busy Builder that The Aussie was in LA. If you asked him, he'd say that day we laid in my backyard and got sunburned was one of his favorite dates with me. 

I'm an asshole.

...and I'm sure this will come back to bite me.

A New Facebook Friend

The morning after our drunken reunion, The Busy Builder took me to breakfast. We had a baby version of "The Talk." It went kinda like this:

BB: So, your friends are really awesome!

Me: Yes, I know. It was fun having you meet them.

BB: Yeah, I honestly didn't expect to see you again.

Me: Well...I was pretty mad. But then I got over it. 

BB: It's just been crazy timing because right after I met you, work got so crazy and I'm having trouble managing the stress of it all. I haven't even seen my friends in weeks...

Me: I just think you need to figure out your work/life balance. I'm going to be that person that commands you to have fun more often!

BB: Wow...that's really nice. You're a great lady. 

(Duh. I'm awesome!)

And just like that, he snapped into a different person. He started texting regularly (sometimes that's all it takes to make a girl feel good, guys). He was super supportive while I went through some training at work. And I even went over to his house in sweats and he told me I looked hot. What a nice man. We also became Facebook friends. And he wrote on my wall... 

I did what every girl would do. I looked through all the photos of him and his ex-gf, and made myself want to vomit. She's pretty. Wow, they went on a lot of trips together. Hmm this picture is kind of recent..is that when he told me they broke up? Ew, a kissing photo! EXIT FACEBOOK. I also decided I needed to lose weight. After the initial stalking, I made a promise:

...again.