C-Block makes a New Friend

Not every guy has a positive reaction to, "I have a dog....he's a cocker spaniel mix...small, white, fluffy thing." But at the end of the day, he has to be cool with my main man, Oliver, if the relationship is going to go anywhere.

My roommate does the online dating thing, too. One time I witnessed a guy bring her dog a treat from Three Dog Bakery, and thought, "good move." She takes the meet-and-greet pretty seriously. But she's also the girl that locks her dog in the spare bedroom on nights her ex visits because he's a "light sleeper." Uh huh. Suuuuuuure. 

Personally, I've always approached the situation from a pessimistic side. I'm nervous that he'll think my dog is stupid and not manly enough.

"So, uh..here's my dog. Oh, ya he's crazy. Don't worry...let's go."

But secretly I'm jealous of the couples I watch at the dog park while Oliver wanders around peeing on every tree. 

Ron Swanson told me he had something for me when I went to his house for dinner. Turns out it wasn't a gift for me...but for my furry little c-block. He handed me a stuffed fox, complete with squeaker inside. It's Oliver's favorite kind of toy. To be fair to all other guys in the world, Ron Swanson isn't so perfect as to buy my dog a gift. He tried to adopt a dog after the divorce, but the jack russell was a little too crazy and their trial period (and relationship) expired...much like his marriage.

Oliver very happily accepted the foxy toy. 

We're both pretty content being #2 right now. 

Happy 30,000 Views!

Sorry, but today's post is not about my usually pathetic (yet laughable) dating life. Today I honor you: my readers. How can I do that? Well, I'd like to share one of my favorite parts of the backside of blogging. Traffic sources. 

I LOVE statistics! (Math nerd alert)

I google searched "math nerd" and found this

I get pleasure out of reading that my dating profile has been read 660 times, and that two people in Malaysia are reading my blog RIGHT NOW.

But the best part is knowing what people were "google searching" when they landed on my page...

Here are my favorites:

1. can you see your own cervix?
2. severely crooked penis
3. men don't get cherry tattoos
4. do I know you
5. drunk bowling
6. UR CUTE
7. crying girlfriend meme
8. she cock blocked me
9. lady parts fail
10. is he really being or blowing me off?

Thank you, readers. You fucking rock. 

Spring Forward, Fall Back

I spent my extra hour...blogging.

The season changed, and my summer romance officially ended. In fact, I closed the door on everyone I'd been in contact with:

The Aussie
The Over-Texter
The Not-So-Tall Guy
The Busy Builder

After I posted my "Takin It Back, Tuesdays" about The Aussie (and he confessed he knew about the blog all along), we decided it's better when we don't have contact with each other. This might be the first time neither one of us has the other's phone number. It's for the best.

The Over-Texter was umm...texting me too much. So I politely told him I was interested. He said ok.

I was a complete dick to the Not-So-Tall Guy. Ugh. I feel so badly about how it all went down, but I pretty much just pulled a disappearing act. I should have told him a long, long time ago that I just didn't have romantical feelings for him.

And now I'll say what many who read this already know...I'd still be seeing The Busy Builder all summer. We started hanging out about once a week, and I started to think the feelings were strong for both of us. But I was wrong. I'd been having all kinds of anxiety, wanting to tell him how I felt. And then he dressed as an online dating profile for Halloween. I put my heart out there, though via text. I wanted to be included in his world, meet his friends, be more than the girl he hung out with out of laziness at the end of a night. I told him I was ready to shut down this blog and delete my dating profile because I only wanted to hang out with him. But he didn't want that. So that's that.

While part of me has been sad, feeling like I did last November when The Aussie and I ended our relationship, the other part feels relieved. I'm too awesome to settle for only a little attention and consideration. Time for a new season!

Just me and this guy again...

C-block strikes again!

Guy with dog = chick magnet
Girl with dog = red flag
Girl with dog wearing a cone = cock block

I think my dog wants me to be alone forever. Instead of being cool and playing catch or wrestling with potential suitors, he's crying in the corner because his leg itches and now he's wearing a cone.

I might as well be wearing the cone myself.
I couldn't sleep because I could hear him sitting on his dog bed whining.
After feeling me tossing and turning, the guy finally says, "Just let him up. It's fine."

...And then we had a dog barrier laying between us.

Fail.

Ten People I Envy

...right now.
***Warning: This post was written under the influence of wine.***

1. The girl who just posted a photo of the bouquet of flowers her boyfriend got her "just because."
2. The guy who is taking his new girlfriend on vacation next weekend...and posting about it publicly on Facebook.
3. The girl who is out on Friday night with five of her hot, single girlfriends meeting a ton of cute guys and not caring what comes of it.
4. The adorable hipster couple that sat in front of me at The xx concert, cuddled up in blankets drinking wine together.
5. My dog. Asshole sleeps all day and then I come home because it's the responsible thing to do...and he ignores me because my roommate has chicken.
6. My ex's girlfriend that I stalk on instagram who just posted a photo of them celebrating their two-year anniversary.
7. My roommate who is in her late thirties and doesn't seem to give a shit that she's single. She owns a house.
8. The guys who can have sex with a girl for months and not feel emotionally attached. Because I just can't do that.
9. My friends that made a career out of singing, dancing, and/or acting. I'm a quitter.
10. Hot girls. Damn you.

At least I have this incriminating photo of
Oliver and the Big Dick Bunny

Ace a First Date: For Girls

Since Ace a First Date: For Guys has been a popular post, I figured it's only right we do a list for girls. I didn't want to write it from my perspective since clearly I am not an expert. My best single guy friend helped me put together a list of do's and don't's for the ladies!
Here are Pinata's tips for a great first date (with commentary by yours truly):

1. Don't check your phone; put it on silent. ~ Your work emails and texts to friends can wait a couple hours. Lindsay says: it's okay to check and update your friends when he goes to the bathroom...just don't get caught!
2. Don't talk about your exes. ~ This should be self-explanatory, but why do girls always do it? Guys don't care. Lindsay says: resist resist resist the urge to talk about "...this one time, my ex and I..." I think very often we jump back in the saddle right after a break-up (unlike guys who seem to wait FOREVER) so it happens to be fresh in our mind and hearts. 
3. Be cute, but not slutty. ~ Lindsay asks: How should a girl dress on the first date? Guys are always so casual. Pinata says: Not overly trendy...show some skin, but leave some mystery. "Get the gears turning, but don't show what's under the hood!"
4. Don't be picky when ordering. ~ You don't want to seem indecisive or high maintenance. And yes, it's okay to actually eat more than a salad.
5. Don't get drunk. ~ Pinata recommends 2-8 drinks, Lindsay says: Eight drinks?!? WTF? I'd be on the floor. (He was joking.)
6. Be engaged. ~ Ask questions. Try not to just answer his questions and ask, "what about you?" Be creative.
7. Laugh at jokes and smile a lot. ~ Lindsay says: I am so good at that! Wait, why don't I have a boyfriend?
8. If you talk about something you both like, suggest you do it together. ~ This shows the guy that you are interested in seeing him again, and you want to create a personal, special memory.
9. At least offer to pay for your portion. ~ It gives the guy an opportunity to be the man, say thank you, and let you know they've got it. Lindsay says: Bleh. I disagree. Maybe that's why I'm single.
10. Appear kissable. ~ We both agree that if you like someone, the first kiss should happen on the first date. Stay close so the guy knows you want to be kissed. Face him; give the opportunity. Fumble the keys, Hitch-style.

What do you think, people?

Zombies are not a turn on.

I remember, as a teenager, thinking that scary movies were great with a boy. I can get all scared, and he can have an excuse to hold me...it's perfect! Now that I'm a bit older, I'm not so sure where this appeal comes from.

This guy and I were hanging out one night, and he suggested we start watching The Walking Dead. A TV show about Zombies? Um, ok...I did hear it's pretty good. We started the very first episode, and I could barely hear any sound. I knew something bad was going to happen. It's about fucking Zombies! [Wait, no. It's not about fucking zombies. It's about THE fucking zombies. Ew.]

Anyway, I'm already scared and thinking this is the perfect time for cuddling up in his arms, but then it started getting gore-y. Oh gross, these zombies are so disgusting!

He started touching my neck, playing with hair, clearly trying to distract me. He was smiling, but my face was frozen. My body was so confused! Should I get turned on? His kisses felt so good...
But OH MY GOD that woman has only half a body and she's crawling around trying to eat people! C'mon!!!

I'm not sure if this guy is:
a) turned on by zombies
b) wanted me to associate sex with gross half-dead people
c) thinks it's funny to fuck with me

Let's go with option c. 

Ace a First Date: For Guys

After my latest string of first dates, I thought it might be time to spell it out for the guys out there. Here are my tips for a great first date:

1. You pick the location. ~ Make it somewhere convenient for her, but also somewhere you are familiar with. Girls like to learn, so maybe somewhere interactive, or a place where you know "the best cocktail the bartender makes" or "the chef's specialty."
2. Call (I did not say text!) to confirm the day before. ~ She'll be impressed, trust me. Texting isn't enough for before a first date. She needs to hear you are excited in order to also feel excited.
3. Open doors. ~ It may seem simple, but you'd be surprised how many times it doesn't happen. Chivalry is not dead, people!
4. Be romantical (okay that's not a real word, but I love it), without over-doing it. ~ First dates are hard. Especially if it's a blind first date. But make sure it feels like a date, not drinks with a friend. Sit closer to her. Find a way to let your hands or legs "accidentally" brush against hers. If she likes you, she will respond. But don't choose an overly romantic setting or a super expensive restaurant. Only bad can come of it: a) she'll be uncomfortable or b) she'll expect a $200 dinner every time you take her out!
5. LISTEN. ~ Fucking hell, just try. Make eye contact. Engage. Nod your head. Stop staring at her boobs and wondering what she looks like naked.
6. Have fun! ~ I love to laugh. If the date is fun, but lacking some of the other nine items I've listed here, I'll most likely give him a second chance date.
7. PAY. ~ When you're officially a couple, you will spoil each other, but until then...it's your wallet. Don't even put her in the uncomfortable state of wondering if she'll have to pay. And don't let her see the bill. That's douchey.
8. Offer to walk her to her car. ~ She may or may not say yes, but it's the right thing to do.
9. If you want to see her again, tell her. ~ If you're too nervous to say it in person as the date is ending, you should definitely include it in your follow-up text. My most recent date had the perfect example of a follow-up text: "Hey, I had a great time last night! [Insert joke referencing something we talked about on the date.]" The joke shows he was LISTENING. Good boy!
10. Stop it with the three day rule. ~ We hate that shit.

Is it weird that I'm kind of hesitant to post this, knowing some of the guys I've dated will now use my advice to woo other girls? Typical Lindsay.

Please Mr. Postman

Is it normal to think your mailman is totally hot? Well, I do. 

My heart broke a little the day Mr. Postman told me he would no longer be on the route that brought him to my office. He's so dreamy. Our new mailman is nice, but he doesn't have the smile of Mr. Postman. 

But there's a glimmer of hope! Lately he's been coming back to our office on random days instead of the new mailman. At last, one of my co-workers mentioned the thought that had been swirling in my mind for months:

"You should date the mailman!" 

I agree. I mean, why not? Think of all the perks he must get as a government employee! And all the smiles and sunshine he takes part in every day must mean he's happy. 

Unfortunately, I can never tell what day he'll be walking into my office. He almost ALWAYS catches me eating lunch at my desk.
"Oh hey there. Enjoying your lunch?"
[Mouth full of salad] "Oh umm yes. Have a good day!" 
Ugh.

And I don't even know his name! And he probably doesn't know it's my dog barking at him every time he comes to the door. Yes, Mr. Postman's new route includes my home...guarded by the c-block. 

Thrown to the Wolfpack

Well, shit. I didn't exactly expect The Busy Builder to say yes to my offer. He's not too busy? I snapped out of my champagne coma and wondered how exactly I might pull this off. I was on my way to dinner and a night out with the girls from the bridal shower, and I'm so not the girl to ditch her friends for a penis. But the girls were very supportive and told me to invite him out with us. "It's a group of like seven girls. You're okay with that?" And he said yes.

You might think I shouldn't have gone to this much trouble, but I went and picked him up from his house. Apparently he'd already had a few beers on his own. The ride over to the Venice bar was slightly awkward. We hadn't seen each other in a few weeks, and who knows what this means that we're hanging out again?

We were just starting to warm up to each other again when the girls danced into the bar, most of them on the prowl for guys...and all of us a couple skinny margaritas deep. I was extremely nervous since I normally don't bring guys around unless they're sticking around, but The Busy Builder jumped right in, attempting to learn names and buying drinks. He even had the balls to suggest a game of "Who Knows Lindsay Better" with the bride-to-be, my best friend of 22 years. She won. As the tequila shots soaked into my veins, I was right back where I started. So very smitten with The Busy Builder. He must like me...or why would he be here, making nice with my girlfriends? 

I gave him the signal that he should take me home, (my little c-block was staying the weekend at my dad's house) and I went to wait outside while he closed out the tab at the bar. As I stood at the exit, another very cute guy came bounding out the door. He did a double-take and walked right up to me. "I don't normally do this, but you are gorgeous. Can I get your phone number?" Part of me felt like I should give it to him. Hey, I don't owe The Busy Builder anything, and he wouldn't even be with me tonight if I hadn't made it happen! But, instead I used the phrase all girls dream of, "I'm sorry. I'm actually here with someone." And as I turned to find him in the crowd, he was outside the bar watching..."Lindsay!" I went running to him.

Some of the best parts of this night are lost in a fog of tequila, but I'm pretty sure The Busy Builder's fish witnessed some inappropriate kitchen behavior. Sorry, Mom.

Sleepless Night

...and not the good kind.

On our third and fourth dates, I started to notice something concerning about Sandwich Guy. He drinks A LOT when we hang out. Typical girl thoughts: Does he have to be drunk to hang out with me? Maybe he's just nervous. Do I want to date a guy that always gets wasted? But I party a lot, too. 

On our fourth date, I permitted him to spend the night. This was mostly because I had no idea how he'd get back to Hermosa that drunk. I was definitely not ready to sleep with him, but I figured I could probably give him a bj and he'd be satisfied with that. I'm told this is a typical Jewish girl maneuver. Well, I didn't even have to because he wanted the night to be about me...SCORE. That kind of thing doesn't usually do it for me, but if you insist...

...Can I keep this guy around just for that? Is that horrible?

That thought quickly left the moment he passed out, wrapped around me with his hot, hairy body. He nearly pushed me off my own bed. And then...the snoring started. Oh my fucking god. He's smothering me! How is he not waking himself up?!? Oh I know. I'll just nudge him away. Fuck, he's too heavy. I know. I'll squeeze out from under his arm and...YES I'm free! I'll just go on the other side of the bed. It's so nice and cool over here. Ugh. It's 4am and I still can't sleep. Psssst...Oliver...are you awake?

I took Oliver and quietly tiptoed out of the room. Thankfully we have a guest room. I slept soundly for about three hours before I heard him wake up to pee. Crap. I went back into my room and sat on the bed, and when he came back he wasn't even that surprised to see me. "Where were you?" Oh...um, I'm just a really light sleeper and you were kinda snoring. "Oh. That sucks for you."

GAME OVER. 

The first good first date!

With three strikes against me, I started to think online dating is for boring people and pervs. I relapsed. And by relapse, I mean I went back to my exes...one of my biggest flaws. I don't cut ties when I should. It's a problem, but at least I recognize it.
So maybe I sent a super sad email to The Aussie telling him how sorry I was for being a bad girlfriend and not realizing how amazing he was until after it was too late. And maybe this nearly caused him to end his new relationship and look for jobs in Los Angeles. And MAYBE I also texted The Playboy to come visit, knowing full well he was dating a 19-year-old. I'm weak. I'm sorry. UGH.

After this minor setback, I happened across a message from a guy who looked decently attractive. And hey, he's Jewish! After some flirtatious text messages, I agreed to go out with him on a Friday night. As I walked out of the parking garage, I saw what looked like a typical Jewish guy and nearly turned back to my car. (Why, oh, why can't I be attracted to The Chosen Ones?) Instead, I smiled and approached.

You're already out, Lindsay. Just get a drink, then call your friends to go out after. Plus, you're having a REALLY good hair day. (See below)

The Sandwich Guy (you'll understand why this is his name in due time) and I decided to go to one of the bars in Culver City. Before I could even look at the menu, he ordered a vodka orange juice with an extra shot. I stuck with the typical girl drink: vodka soda. No extra shot for me, thanks. He was nervous; it was his first time on a date with someone he met online. Halfway through the first round, we decided to share appetizers and he stood up and came around to stand over my shoulder as we looked over our one menu. Whoa. Am I attracted to him? I have little butterflies now that he's so close!

After we ate and went through a second round of drinks, it was time to go. I think I like him...and he obviously likes me, too, because he wants to keep the night going. Standing room only in the next bar we walked to, but he ordered me a beer and we stood and talked a little more. I was either drunk, or starting to really like him. Let's go with the latter because right then he leaned in and kissed me. We kissed right in the middle of the bar and I felt like time stopped for a second. It was a great move.

When I finally used my, "I have to go home because my dog hates to be alone" excuse, I looked at my phone and saw we'd been out for FOUR HOURS. Longest first date ever, but a successful one! I see a second date in my future...

The Dirty Fingernail Guy

After a traumatic first date experience, I decided to be brave and go on another first date just a couple days after crashing my car. Hey, at least this way if he's a psycho killer...he doesn't know my real car or license plate number. Yes, I think about weird shit like that....too much Law & Order: SVU.

This guy was interesting...and a total catch on paper:

• Architect
• Jewish, and knows a lot about Israel
• 32
• Tall
• Strong family values

He sounded great on the phone until he suggested we go to the Venice Beach drum circle for our date. Ok, I'm all for people watching the crazies in Venice, but it's not exactly romantic. I'd prefer to go somewhere where most people are showered and wearing deodorant. 

Instead, we met up at the Getty Museum to see a really cool exhibit about architecture in LA. Wow, he's even cultured! He was pretty cute, but then as he told me he'd come straight a job site, I saw it: 

DIRTY FINGERNAILS. 

Ick. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it all went downhill from there...

This is why he's single:

• Monotone
• "I don't like smiling in pictures...ever."
• "I work too much"

After walking through the exhibit, I was ready to use my..."Well, I should probably get home to feed my dog" excuse, but he suggested we get dinner at the Getty. Yeah, sure, ok... **FREE MEAL** Unfortunately, we ended up sitting super awkward with nothing to talk about. And when I said the food was good, he commented that it was just ok. Time to go home? 

NOPE. He wanted to check out the garden...in the dark. 

This is about the time he made his move, and I let him kiss me, but his lips were as boring as the words coming out of his mouth. And I was still thinking about the dirt under his nails. Time to go home.

Architect guy called me a few times after that, and I ignored his messages.