Ace a First Date: For Girls

Since Ace a First Date: For Guys has been a popular post, I figured it's only right we do a list for girls. I didn't want to write it from my perspective since clearly I am not an expert. My best single guy friend helped me put together a list of do's and don't's for the ladies!
Here are Pinata's tips for a great first date (with commentary by yours truly):

1. Don't check your phone; put it on silent. ~ Your work emails and texts to friends can wait a couple hours. Lindsay says: it's okay to check and update your friends when he goes to the bathroom...just don't get caught!
2. Don't talk about your exes. ~ This should be self-explanatory, but why do girls always do it? Guys don't care. Lindsay says: resist resist resist the urge to talk about "...this one time, my ex and I..." I think very often we jump back in the saddle right after a break-up (unlike guys who seem to wait FOREVER) so it happens to be fresh in our mind and hearts. 
3. Be cute, but not slutty. ~ Lindsay asks: How should a girl dress on the first date? Guys are always so casual. Pinata says: Not overly trendy...show some skin, but leave some mystery. "Get the gears turning, but don't show what's under the hood!"
4. Don't be picky when ordering. ~ You don't want to seem indecisive or high maintenance. And yes, it's okay to actually eat more than a salad.
5. Don't get drunk. ~ Pinata recommends 2-8 drinks, Lindsay says: Eight drinks?!? WTF? I'd be on the floor. (He was joking.)
6. Be engaged. ~ Ask questions. Try not to just answer his questions and ask, "what about you?" Be creative.
7. Laugh at jokes and smile a lot. ~ Lindsay says: I am so good at that! Wait, why don't I have a boyfriend?
8. If you talk about something you both like, suggest you do it together. ~ This shows the guy that you are interested in seeing him again, and you want to create a personal, special memory.
9. At least offer to pay for your portion. ~ It gives the guy an opportunity to be the man, say thank you, and let you know they've got it. Lindsay says: Bleh. I disagree. Maybe that's why I'm single.
10. Appear kissable. ~ We both agree that if you like someone, the first kiss should happen on the first date. Stay close so the guy knows you want to be kissed. Face him; give the opportunity. Fumble the keys, Hitch-style.

What do you think, people?

Beverly Hills Beard

I took a couple weeks off after I got "dumped" by Sandwich Guy. And you know what I did? I ordered my own sandwiches. And I ate them...ALL BY MYSELF. I fell victim to another one of my bad habits...

Ice Cream. You motherfucker.

When am I going to meet a guy I like? Online dating is stupid.
Oh okay, I'll just login and check my messages...Ooh a Jew! 

I responded to the Beverly Hills Jew simply out of loneliness. I was pretty sure he was too short, and I hate when guys post a picture of their expensive car. You're SO cool. This guy was obviously rich. We messaged a little, and  he invited me out on a Friday night to a rooftop bar in Beverly Hills. Money makes me slightly uncomfortable, so I was very nervous as I approached the valet. The elevator door opened and yup, he's 5'6" not 5'9". Why do guys always go with 5'9"? He instantly told me the bar was "too crowded" and asked if I would mind if we went somewhere else...

Five blocks later we ended up at a boutique hotel, in a bar area completely ALONE. I ordered a glass of wine, and I already knew it's the only drink I'd be having. He used the Valley Girl filler "like" more than I do. We have nothing in common, and he seems a little bit too polished and dare I say, flamboyant? He ordered a moscow mule. I sat with my legs crossed so far away from him, and he leaned in to take a sip of his drink...

...through the straw

...with his pinky up.

I know what's happening here. His Jewish Mother is yearning for some Jewish Babies. And he doesn't know how to tell her...He's gay. I started implementing my favorite "get rid of a guy" tactic: disagreeing with EVERYTHING he said. One drink and we were heading back to the valet, where I assumed we both parked at the super fancy hotel he invited me to. But no. About a block away from the hotel, he stops and points at his car parked on the street and says, "Well, this is me." Seriously? Mr. Moneybags wouldn't shell out $8 to valet his luxury car? 

Needless to say he didn't offer to walk me back or pay for my valet. Go home to your mommy.

No such thing as a free sandwich

Sunday the shit hit the ferris wheel. We ran out of money again on Saturday, so I suggested we go back to the ATM. When I opened my car door, Sandwich Guy sat quietly. I asked, "Aren't you going to take more money out?" "No. I'll just wait in the air conditioning." ASSHOLE. Look, if I have a boyfriend, I'm all about splitting costs. But what happened to his "I'm not worried about it" statement about money? (-20 points, I can't afford this, and he knows it!)

I really tried to be polite, but he was losing points all over the fairgrounds. I thanked him again for bringing me and he said, "No problem. I got a really good deal on the tickets. They were practically free." Guys: This is called unnecessary disclosure. Girls do not need to know about discounts or "great deals" on items you bought for him. I felt like he just told me my diamond ring was actually cubic zirconia. 

We went to eat at a burger food truck and Sandwich Guy ordered us ONE burger to share. As we passed the burger, taking turns on bites, I lost it.
OH MY GOD. I DON'T WANT TO SHARE A BURGER WITH YOU! I WANT MY OWN SANDWICH! WHO SPLITS A BURGER??
Maybe it was the extreme heat and dehydration, or maybe it was just my love of food...Sandwich Guy had officially driven me towards a Crazy Girl Moment. There would be no more sandwiches in our future.

I looked at the time and reminded him that Girl Talk was about to start and I wanted to get a good spot at the Outdoor Stage. All of a sudden, guess who's interested in watching the show at the Sahara Tent (where they play the house music he hates)? Seriously? As I dragged him to Girl Talk, he confessed he had been thinking it was a girl group. At Coachella? Riiiiight.

Somehow I managed to enjoy the rest of the night...thanks to Girl Talk, Florence+The Machine, and the amazing headlining performance of Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg and their holographic entourage. After being stuck in the mob of dirty hipsters trying to leave the fairgrounds, we finally made it to my car. Yes, I am driving us back to LA at 1:30am. And he didn't even offer to drive my car for me. "You can go to sleep. I'm good." (+10 points for me, because I love being passive aggressive) We barely spoke on the way home and when I dropped him off, I told him I wanted to sleep in my own bed. Goodnight, Sandwich Guy.

Approximately one week later, Sandwich Guy texted me:
"I don't think it's going to work out between us."

No shit.

But wait...did HE just dump ME? 

Sandwich Guy is NOT a Hipster

Friday of Coachella Weekend I drove my hipster gear to Hermosa to pick up Sandwich Guy. He asked me to drive us to the festival because his "classic" car wasn't reliable for long trips. (-10 points, I hate driving) When I got there he was super excited and had even packed us some snacks. (+5 points, I love snacks) A few hours later we were close to the hotel we were staying at and stopped to get a bite to eat. He ordered us ONE turkey sandwich to share... One sandwich. (-5 points) Whatever, I'm going to Coachella!

We hurriedly threw our stuff in the room and took a cab to the event. It was fucking hot, but cooling off as the evening performances began. The first night was pretty smooth, considering Sandwich Guy has no idea who is performing at this festival besides The Black Keys and Snoop/Dr. Dre. (+10 points, I get to pick our shows) The trouble is, he doesn't like house music (a key part of the event) and also didn't really want to drink. Sooooo we're in Indio with a million amazing bands you've never heard of, you don't want to party, and you don't want to jump around in a crowd of people on ecstasy? Why are we here?? The Black Keys were amazing, and as he stood behind me with his hands around my waist, I felt confident about the weekend. This was going to be a really special memory.

Saturday was a fresh day, and I was ready to party! It was a little weird getting ready in front of a guy this soon. I much prefer to appear looking cute without him seeing the effort behind it. But he told me I looked really cute, and that made it better. (+10 points). I suggested we drink a fair amount before heading to the fairgrounds, but he declined. Ugh. I told him we needed to find a bank because I'd only brought $100 in cash and we used it on Friday night since he "forgot to get cash." (-5 points) I thought surely he would pay me back when we went to the ATM, but no. Instead he suggested he carry all OUR money for the day. Hmm. Halfway through the day, I was sober and annoyed with him but he made up for it all when he helped push me to the front right to watch one of my favorite bands: The Shins. (+10 points, for being a man) I couldn't help but think about The Aussie...somewhere in the same crowd, cuddling up to his new American girlfriend. And I'm here with this guy. That night I told him I was too tired for anything sexual, since I was sweaty and dirty. It was only partly true. I could tell he was pissed, and I didn't care...

An offer I couldn't refuse

You may think it's harsh, but for me...snoring is a Dealbreaker. How could we possibly share a life together without being able to sleep in the same bed? Just as I was trying to limit my contact with Sandwich Guy by being "busy," he texted the most magical phrase I'd ever seen:

"If I got us tickets to Coachella, would you want to go?"

I explained that while his offer would be this little wannabe hipster's dream come true, I hadn't purchased tickets because I simply could not afford it. His response? "I'm not worried about that."

Free trip to Coachella? I can't turn this down...can I?

Coachella: a weekend of all sorts of my favorite bands
No-chella: with a guy I'm not that into

Coachella: maybe it would bring us together
No-chella: or maybe we'd kill each other

Coachella: he must see long-term potential for us
No-chella: I'll probably have to sleep with him if I say yes...

Why am I even having this inner-battle of ethics? It's Coachella! And he invited you! Just go! What's the worst thing that could happen?

It would be wrong if I didn't mention the other reason I said "YES" to Coachella: The Aussie. After our breakup, he decided to follow through with his US Work Visa and moved to Austin, Texas. He met a girl. He bought her a ticket and flew her to Coachella with him...with tickets that were meant for us. But I had declined his offer.

Sleepless Night

...and not the good kind.

On our third and fourth dates, I started to notice something concerning about Sandwich Guy. He drinks A LOT when we hang out. Typical girl thoughts: Does he have to be drunk to hang out with me? Maybe he's just nervous. Do I want to date a guy that always gets wasted? But I party a lot, too. 

On our fourth date, I permitted him to spend the night. This was mostly because I had no idea how he'd get back to Hermosa that drunk. I was definitely not ready to sleep with him, but I figured I could probably give him a bj and he'd be satisfied with that. I'm told this is a typical Jewish girl maneuver. Well, I didn't even have to because he wanted the night to be about me...SCORE. That kind of thing doesn't usually do it for me, but if you insist...

...Can I keep this guy around just for that? Is that horrible?

That thought quickly left the moment he passed out, wrapped around me with his hot, hairy body. He nearly pushed me off my own bed. And then...the snoring started. Oh my fucking god. He's smothering me! How is he not waking himself up?!? Oh I know. I'll just nudge him away. Fuck, he's too heavy. I know. I'll squeeze out from under his arm and...YES I'm free! I'll just go on the other side of the bed. It's so nice and cool over here. Ugh. It's 4am and I still can't sleep. Psssst...Oliver...are you awake?

I took Oliver and quietly tiptoed out of the room. Thankfully we have a guest room. I slept soundly for about three hours before I heard him wake up to pee. Crap. I went back into my room and sat on the bed, and when he came back he wasn't even that surprised to see me. "Where were you?" Oh...um, I'm just a really light sleeper and you were kinda snoring. "Oh. That sucks for you."

GAME OVER. 

Second Date with Sandwich Guy

Just as I suspected, Sandwich Guy liked me quite a lot. I even had to make up plans for Saturday because he was very eager to see me the very next day after our date. I agreed to Sunday instead. When he suggested he buy us Laker tickets the day of the game because he knew I've never been, I wondered if he could actually pull that off. Oh yeah...I should probably mention now: He makes really good money.

This isn't necessarily something I look for. I have had the misfortune pleasure of mostly dating guys that are broke, still trying to get their shit together. But this was different. Sandwich Guy, at 31, has a well-paying job that he loves (so I don't think I can recruit him to take over my family business, but that's another story) and he's very open that money is never an issue for him. He lives in a swanky beach house in Hermosa Beach, drives a Porsche, and probably spends more money on shoes than I do. Must be nice.

My instincts told me he was a good guy, and frankly I didn't feel like going out, so I invited him over to my house to watch a movie and get Chinese Takeout. I know what you're thinking...It's too soon. He shouldn't be at your house. He could be a serial killer! But I had this guy bouncing the door:

So it's all good.

Key Moment: The food arrives, and I decide to be a "cool girl" and pay for it. I did invite him over to my house, so it seems fair. Bad call. He scolded me for even trying. Sat me down like a little girl and said, "I work really hard in order to take care of my friends and family. Please don't even try to pay for things when you're with me." I remembered that...and you should, too. It will be very important when I reveal what makes him Sandwich Guy.

After a lot of cuddling and Sandwich Guy being TOTALLY open about his feelings for me, "I feel so lucky to have met you. You make me feel so comfortable, like I can tell you anything," I started to worry. This is the kind of guy I should like. He's emotionally available, just like The Aussie, except he actually has his life in order and gets bonus points for being Jewish. But there's something about him that I just can't fall for... I had no idea what it was, but there just wasn't a spark for me. Maybe I can learn to like him?

I'm Back, B*tches!

So if you know me, you probably encouraged me to start a new blog. It's been about 16 months since I wrote my farewell post on Gratuity Not Included. While I loved writing about my adventures as a waitress in order to make the days go by quicker, I am quite happy to not be slaving over marinara sauce anymore. You may also remember that I had a special Australian friend that I was about to visit down under. Well, that's exactly where our relationship went...down under. If you ask him, he'd probably say I broke his Aussie heart. If you ask me, I'd say he probably shouldn't have smothered me and went through my shit while I was at work. Two sides to every story. And don't you worry, I'll tell you all about it...

Because I'm here to write about my love life. This is a story I've been dreaming of telling since college. But for fear of embarrassing my family with my shenanigans, I held back...until now. I joined an online dating site (which I guess is pretty normal these days) and have been dying to talk about the fucking crazies kind gentlemen I've been going out with, but then I thought...this could be bad juju.

If I write a blog about the awful dates I go on, and I want the blog to be successful, well that pretty much means I'm stuck going on bad dates and not finding the man of my dreams. 

Fuck it. When this is all over, I'm sending my pictures to Patti at Millionaire Matchmaker and she'll find me a Sugar Daddy. Seriously...She'd love me.
1) I'm Jewish
2) I'm educated
3) I'm not ugly
4) I work with ABUSED CHILDREN
5) I know how to wear a tight dress and use a hair straightener to cover my Jew Curls


So here we go. Stories of my past. Stories of my present. Ideas for the future.


Welcome to my life.... EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.