The Dirty Fingernail Guy

After a traumatic first date experience, I decided to be brave and go on another first date just a couple days after crashing my car. Hey, at least this way if he's a psycho killer...he doesn't know my real car or license plate number. Yes, I think about weird shit like that....too much Law & Order: SVU.

This guy was interesting...and a total catch on paper:

• Architect
• Jewish, and knows a lot about Israel
• 32
• Tall
• Strong family values

He sounded great on the phone until he suggested we go to the Venice Beach drum circle for our date. Ok, I'm all for people watching the crazies in Venice, but it's not exactly romantic. I'd prefer to go somewhere where most people are showered and wearing deodorant. 

Instead, we met up at the Getty Museum to see a really cool exhibit about architecture in LA. Wow, he's even cultured! He was pretty cute, but then as he told me he'd come straight a job site, I saw it: 

DIRTY FINGERNAILS. 

Ick. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it all went downhill from there...

This is why he's single:

• Monotone
• "I don't like smiling in pictures...ever."
• "I work too much"

After walking through the exhibit, I was ready to use my..."Well, I should probably get home to feed my dog" excuse, but he suggested we get dinner at the Getty. Yeah, sure, ok... **FREE MEAL** Unfortunately, we ended up sitting super awkward with nothing to talk about. And when I said the food was good, he commented that it was just ok. Time to go home? 

NOPE. He wanted to check out the garden...in the dark. 

This is about the time he made his move, and I let him kiss me, but his lips were as boring as the words coming out of his mouth. And I was still thinking about the dirt under his nails. Time to go home.

Architect guy called me a few times after that, and I ignored his messages. 

Crash into internet dating

This is what happened after my first date with a guy I met online...

Needless to say, we did not have a second date. 

What a way to get really excited about dating again...It took me about six months after The Aussie and I broke up to break down and join a free internet dating site. If you have ever tried this out, maybe you're like me and just responded to almost anyone (ALMOST) who messaged you. When I finally caught the attention of a guy I thought seemed pretty cute and interesting, I gave him my phone number. One phone call later, we made plans to go out on a Thursday night. 

I'm not going to even pretend I don't get nervous on first dates. But then I got there and I was my usual charming self. Unfortunately, he was SO into himself, I don't think he was even listening to what I said. One of my big pet peeves about LA guys that live on the Westside is that they feel like they are above everyone else. This guy grew up blocks away from me in the Valley, but was shocked that I kept my 818 area code after moving away. Oh, get over yourself. You're not even that cute...and you're DEFINITELY not 5'10". Sorry, dude.

On my way home, I started texting one of my male best friends about the date. Just as I hit some serious traffic where the 10 freeway meets the 405...BOOM! I rammed right into the car in front of me. I was mortified. 

Dating is going to be awesome!! I never told the guy I went on the date with about the accident. Well, he never tried to reach me anyway. Asshole. 

I'm Back, B*tches!

So if you know me, you probably encouraged me to start a new blog. It's been about 16 months since I wrote my farewell post on Gratuity Not Included. While I loved writing about my adventures as a waitress in order to make the days go by quicker, I am quite happy to not be slaving over marinara sauce anymore. You may also remember that I had a special Australian friend that I was about to visit down under. Well, that's exactly where our relationship went...down under. If you ask him, he'd probably say I broke his Aussie heart. If you ask me, I'd say he probably shouldn't have smothered me and went through my shit while I was at work. Two sides to every story. And don't you worry, I'll tell you all about it...

Because I'm here to write about my love life. This is a story I've been dreaming of telling since college. But for fear of embarrassing my family with my shenanigans, I held back...until now. I joined an online dating site (which I guess is pretty normal these days) and have been dying to talk about the fucking crazies kind gentlemen I've been going out with, but then I thought...this could be bad juju.

If I write a blog about the awful dates I go on, and I want the blog to be successful, well that pretty much means I'm stuck going on bad dates and not finding the man of my dreams. 

Fuck it. When this is all over, I'm sending my pictures to Patti at Millionaire Matchmaker and she'll find me a Sugar Daddy. Seriously...She'd love me.
1) I'm Jewish
2) I'm educated
3) I'm not ugly
4) I work with ABUSED CHILDREN
5) I know how to wear a tight dress and use a hair straightener to cover my Jew Curls


So here we go. Stories of my past. Stories of my present. Ideas for the future.


Welcome to my life.... EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.