I won't message you back if... #2

...you messaged me a month ago and I didn't respond. And now you message again with the lovely notion of sexting. Ew.

You can't get no...satisfaction.

Interview with a Married Man

I've mentioned before that my dating mentor happens to be a guy...one I've known for seven years now. Geez, Married Man, you're fucking old. We became friends through one of my lovely exes, and I even watched as he became Mr. Married Man. I'm still not sure how he got Mrs. Married Man to say "I do"...But he's a great combo of asshole and gentleman. I've gotten a few dating questions from readers since starting this blog, and my response is always, 

"Are you reading this thing? I'm terrible at dating!" Naturally, I looked to Married Man for guidance. Here is how it went:

Lindsay: Okay, I'm going on a lot of first dates...What’s the worst thing a girl can do on a first date?
MM: For a girl, it’s being too aggressive. If you’re trying to impress a guy, the best way to find a good guy is to force him to slow down.  If it’s the right guy, he’ll take the time to wait.  Also, stay away from any kind of conversation about sex or anything sexual.  But, but, but...
You want to attract the guy and give him some slight touches throughout the night to let him know you’re interested, but don’t go too far.

What’s the best thing?
For a guy, I’m a firm believer that doing the chivalrous things (opening doors, paying for the food, offering to give her a ride home, etc) are usually the best. Also, make sure you actually listen to what the girl is saying.  It sounds easy to do, but so many people do it wrong. The better you really listen to her, the better off you’ll be. For girls, listening to what the guy says and acting engaged in what he says will always help. I’d also say (and this kind of goes against what I just said), giving a guy a challenge gets to the heart of most guys. We think we are pretty awesome, so if you listen but don’t act like we're the greatest thing since sliced bread or give into requests for physical contact on the first date, most guys will be at least interested. Ugh it's so confusing.

How many guys can a girl date at once, and for how long?
That really just depends on the girl. When I was single, I could rarely date more than one girl at a time and if I did, the girls always knew that I was. Generally, one person starts to win out and becomes preferred unless it’s just about sex. Guys HATE being unimportant, so a girl will probably be less successful at dating multiple people. But imagine with online dating, it takes a little longer to know if you really like someone. Yeah, well I'd still say you have about a month from your first face-to-face meeting to figure it out.

I try really hard not to be a crazy girl. Who do you think are crazier in relationships? Girls or guys?
Girls are definitely crazier because nearly everything holds meaning to you. I once heard relationships described as one person chasing the other at one point or another. Not so much physically chasing, but in their mind thinking that they need to do more to impress the other. The person that is doing the chasing is nearly always the person that is crazier. That, to me, is huge in every relationship because the moment neither one is chasing the other is the moment that a lot of the passion disappears. I think the only relationships that ever become official for me, resulted because I was the one being chased. I'm a bad hunter.

So, how do you get past the casual dating to being boyfriend/girlfriend without scaring someone off?
With a lot of the girls I dated, we never became “official” until a good six months into dating because I’m not all that comfortable with titles. Really I just think its a conversation to have after a decent amount of time dating (at least a month).

And how do you feel about being Facebook Official?
I think being Facebook official is stupid. It makes no difference what your Facebook says as long as you know. If you’re posting to each other’s wall and having fun that way, everyone already knows. They’re stalking you, too...remember? Making it Facebook official just adds an extra level of pressure that most of us don’t need anyways. That's why I'm engaged to a girl on there! However, if you’re getting married, I’d say change your status IMMEDIATELY!

I feel like there is still a double standard for girls in the dating world... Am I a slut?
I don’t believe in the double standard, but overall women are expected to be “less experienced” than the guys that they are with. But I’m wondering, “Who are the guys having sex with if girls aren’t supposed to have sex??” To me, it’s all about doing what makes you feel comfortable. I do believe that there are times when we can get too focused on sex and need to pull back to really focus on what we want in someone.

If you went on a date with me and then later found out about Every Single Day, would you still like me?
A blog shouldn’t make any self respecting guy stop dating a girl. You’re not using names, just your own personal descriptions of the guys. Any guy scared of that needs to grow a pair, man up and start behaving.

What kind of guy would you like to see me date?
A guy who is mature and willing to put you first. Don’t waste time with someone who won’t put you first. Easier said than done! I always think that's temporary. There are tons of good guys out there; you’re just looking in the wrong places. Stop going to bars to meet guys. I was one of those guys, and none of them were looking for their future wife.

How did you know Mrs. Married Man was “the one?”
I don’t remember the actual moment, but I just remember sitting there one day driving over to her place and thought to myself, this is the girl I’m going to marry. She didn’t know it yet, but I definitely did. Her moment came a couple weeks later when I was helping her make up her bed. Sometimes its those weird little innocuous things that change someone’s mind and move someone to that “one” level.

Any parting advice for the single guys out there reading my blog?
Treat every girl like you would treat your mom. Value her opinion the way you would your mom. Listen to her the way you would your mom. Open the door and take care of her the way you would your mom. Not every girl will cherish it the same way, but it’ll help you move your way through the wrong girls quicker.

Excuses, Excuses

Curious if The Busy Builder ever got his priorities in order? Yes, he did. And he chose work. Which is why he's single. And also why he should probably not be on a dating site looking for a relationship.

The Busy Builder drew this just days before the dump.

Here are some of the key points from our conversation. He didn't even realize all five are used by every single man on Earth:

1. I'm sorry. I'm an asshole. -Yeah, I get that. But what a copout. Why are you sorry? And what are you going to do about it?
2. I'm just really overwhelmed with work. -Aren't we all? This is one of my least favorite traits from the people of my generation. We're so busy trying to reach personal success, we forget it's all about who you share the moments of struggle with.
3. You deserve so much better than me. -Everyone hates hearing this from someone who has just dumped them. C'mon, we both know if you thought I was awesome, you wouldn't let this opportunity pass you by.
4. It's just bad timing. -Oh this one makes me so angry. Going alllllll the way back to Trechcoat Guy, I've been told that timing is everything. But my experience with The Aussie (a man who I met in Vegas, who lived in another country, and we still made it work somehow even though I hated the idea of long distance) shows me that timing doesn't mean a thing if it's the right person.
5. So, do you NOT want me to call/text you anymore? Can't we be friends? -No, we can't be friends. We had sex. And if you don't have the time to dedicate to me as a good boyfriend, you probably don't have time to be a good friend. And let's be real...you're not going to text me anyway.

I still don't think The Busy Builder is an asshole. Maybe that's my problem, but I always try to see the good in people. Do I think he's going to miss me? Absolutely. ;)

Takin It Back, Tuesdays

The Cherry Guy

That's right. All you boys on that list better start sweating. I've decided to start a weekly post highlighting some of my fondest dating memories.

I was getting my hair done at one of those fancy DryBar locations the other day, when I noticed the pair of cherries tattooed on my male hairdresser's forearm. "Hey! I have that same tattoo...but in a much more ridiculous location!" He, being gay, thought it was adorable. It brought me back to 2010...when I moved back home with my parents and started working at Bloggiano's. After finishing my training, I was on a mission for extreme drunkenness and hot guys. Where did we go? A douchey LA sports bar...Actually I think it's even #9 on this list of douchiest LA bars. Perfect. 

Whilst drowning my "I'm living at home...again" sorrows in vodka soda, a girlfriend and I stepped outside for some fresh air and started talking to a pair of guys having a smoke break. To be honest, it was really dark so I wasn't sure if he was hot. But he was definitely a tall, bearded hipster who told me instantly that he's always wanted to marry a little Jewish girl. Swoon.

He had noticed the tattoo peeking out of my top on my ribs and stated his general lack of interest in tattoos. "They're stupid. That's why I got the dumbest one I could think of," he said. He lifted his shirt just enough to show the lack of muscles developed from his vegetarian diet, and pulled down the side of his jeans just slightly, revealing a pair of cherries on his left hip.

Holy fuck. I have the same tattoo. And not just "Hey, we both have a pair of cherries so that's funny" kind of tattoos...they were mirroring each other as we stood face-to-face. Was it fate that he had the same tattoo my family and friends make fun of me for getting when I was 18 and feeling rebellious? Maybe...We ended up chatting the rest of the night and he asked to kiss me. Sure. He even went so far as to ask if he could take me to dinner the next night. Why not?

The Cherry Guy took me on a few dates Downtown...and impressed me with his bachelor pad loft. One too many games of Dirty Jenga (you don't want to know) and I was telling myself he was probably not boyfriend material. The man was holding onto a pair of leopard speedos from his glory days in college...ten years prior. When he asked me why I wouldn't have sex with him, I told him I was looking for a relationship. He was looking for a girl he could meet up with at the end of the night. No thanks!

I guess cherry tattoos are a tramp-stamp for guys, too. 

When all else fails...

...let your friends respond to your online messages.

This is a story of a girl who felt like no one would ever love her, and she might as well give up on the whole "online dating" experiment. The only guys messaging her were ugly, fat, and/or bald. And she just got dumped by yet another guy...one who is on a website ACTIVELY pursuing a girlfriend. She started to feel like maybe she's just not girlfriend material.

She drank a lot of beer to make herself feel better. Her guy friend listened patiently to her complaints, and offered to respond to the messages she received.

Well, why not?

The next morning she woke up hating herself for drinking so much beer, but had 15 unread messages in her inbox. Wow! That's awesome....wait. That's weird. [Insert lightbulb for what happened the day before] Oh fuck.

The messages varied in awesomeness, but this was her favorite:

Oopsies.

Special Delivery

The next few days were rather dreary. I felt like a fool. Put my heart out there once again..and got burned. The Busy Builder texted to ask how the concert was, and I told him he needed to figure out if he really wanted me as part of his life. He decided to take the week to think about his "priorities." I happened to be out and about when this happened and parked across from a flower truck covered in fake roses. Perfect. I sent him a photo of it as a suggestion for what to do if he really did want to make it up to me...No response. 

On Thursday morning, feeling particularly weak, I left my cell phone at home so I wouldn't stare at it NOT RINGING. It was probably just broken or something...you know, like when I didn't get his texts on our first date? Around lunchtime, the door to my office opened and the thing I saw was a beautiful bouquet of flowers! The 1-800-flowers delivery man walked right up to me and announced they were for me...Lindsay!

Oh.my.god! This is happening! He sent me flowers! He likes me! He's sorry for what happened and wants to be together!

My hands were shaking as I ripped the card open...

Welcome to my life. I could NOT make this stuff up.

Thanks, Mom. It was a very kind thought....very bad timing. 

That's Not Fair.

I'm a planner. I also have a concert ticket addiction. I usually buy two tickets and end up scrambling to find someone who wants to go with me. #singlegirlproblems

As I had begun to introduce The Busy Builder to good music by providing him with some new cds, (ultimate girl move to make him a mixtape) I thought it might be time to invite him to be my date to one of my many concert events. I was extremely nervous to ask him because I had a strong feeling that he would say he would be working and could not attend. When I asked him, he told me his brother was in town for his birthday that weekend, but he thought he could make it work by going home to be with family Saturday and coming back for the concert on Sunday.

This was not just any concert. It was a show at the OC Fair, one of my favorite Orange County events. And even more awesome that the band, Young the Giant, is from Irvine therefore playing a hometown show!

Beer + Fried Food + Carnival Games + Rides + Live Music = 

Best Date EVER!

I double, triple, and quadruple checked if he could come. I even watched as he entered the event into his Google Calendar. Considering his flaky history, I was feeling very nervous when I told some of my friends from Newport Beach to meet us there. I told one of my best girl friends to be on call as a back up date to the show. She understood. 

Friday night before the show, he asked me to go out on a date to Wurstkutche in Venice (I totally recommend it, btw. Rabbit and rattlesnake sausage for the win!) While playing games at the bar, we befriended one of the hipster bartenders. The Busy Builder called me out, shouting to the bartender, 

"Can you believe this girl? She invites me on a date to a concert, but has a back up plan because she thinks I'll flake!!!" Hipster Bartender was on my side. I fucking love hipsters. And beards.

Saturday morning, The Busy Builder left my house for his parents' home. I didn't hear from him all day or night. That's fine; he's with family. Sunday morning, I jumped up at 7:30am due to my phone receiving a text:

"Hey, so I'm really sorry but I told my parents I needed to leave this morning and they are freaking out. It's become a huge deal because I'm an idiot and thought my brother's birthday was Saturday but it's really today and they planned this big birthday dinner for him. I feel like such an asshole, but do you think you can take your friend to the concert? I'll make it up to you."

Please don't do this. You promised me. And this is exactly what you knew I was freaking out about. And also, of all the times to pussy out and text instead of calling...this is not that time. 

We spoke on the phone for about ten minutes of him apologizing and saying what a jerk he was. I told him I was horribly embarrassed and didn't see why he didn't make sure something like this wouldn't happen. He could have asked his parents for the weekend plan. If he cared about me at all, he wouldn't have let it go down this way. "There's no way you can make this up to me. It's way too soon in our dating for you to make me cry." 

It hurts my heart to even write this entry. But thanks to my amazing bestie and the power of a deep-fried klondike bar...I pulled myself out of bed and drove to the OC Fair without him.

Goodbye, Busy Builder. Guess you are just too busy to care about my feelings.

  

The EX Games

I got wrapped up in my "I think I'm getting close to having a boyfriend" thoughts. This led to an event I am really not proud of, but I'm going to own up to it. And if The Busy Builder reads this, it will be the first he's heard of it...

Or rather, the Ex Games...

Against my better judgement, I was still in contact with The Aussie. He surprised me with a trip he planned to Los Angeles since he had an Aussie football tournament in San Diego. When he told me he would stay in a hostel and find his way around, my soft spot for him suggested he stay in the guest room at my house (with no funny business). I instantly regretted my offer, but it was already out there, and he accepted. Subsequently, he went on a mission to make the trip about winning me back:

• He bought me tickets to see the X games on Friday and Saturday 
• He bought us tickets to the Dodger game on Sunday

I made it very clear that I had to work while he was in town, and that I'd try to come to what I could. 

As the weekend grew close, I nearly bit all my nails off with anxiety. I REALLY didn't think it was a good idea for us to see each other. I didn't want to hurt him. And selfishly, I would have much rather spent the weekend with The Busy Builder.

Two days before The Aussie arrived, I told him I no longer felt comfortable with him staying at my house. Ugh, I'm an asshole. Frankly, I didn't trust him alone in my house. Last time he logged into my Facebook and read all my private messages. He has a history of snooping through my personal items. My friendship with my ex-boyfriends caused a lot of drama in our relationship, and I wasn't about to continue the cycle with my new relationship. He was really upset, but said he hoped we could still hang out...I said yes to lunch on Saturday and Dodgers on Sunday. 

Friday night instead of going to the X games, I went out and met The Busy Builder's friends. He spent the night and I had no problem sleeping with him while knowing The Aussie was sitting alone in his hostel. I'm an asshole. The next morning my phone buzzed with a text from The Aussie confirming lunch, and I ignored it to get waffles with The Busy Builder. We spent the afternoon in my backyard drinking margaritas and playing silly 20 question games about each other. I was having the best day with him, but my phone kept interrupting with The Aussie's calls and texts. I'm an asshole. After The Busy Builder left my house to get some work done, I finally texted The Aussie back that I was sorry for not answering. I'm sure he knew why. He yelled at me and told me I am the biggest bitch he's ever met and he couldn't believe he flew out there to see me (even though I never asked him to). I felt awful, but also relieved. I guess I needed him to hate me. So he could move on for good.

I never even told The Busy Builder that The Aussie was in LA. If you asked him, he'd say that day we laid in my backyard and got sunburned was one of his favorite dates with me. 

I'm an asshole.

...and I'm sure this will come back to bite me.

A New Facebook Friend

The morning after our drunken reunion, The Busy Builder took me to breakfast. We had a baby version of "The Talk." It went kinda like this:

BB: So, your friends are really awesome!

Me: Yes, I know. It was fun having you meet them.

BB: Yeah, I honestly didn't expect to see you again.

Me: Well...I was pretty mad. But then I got over it. 

BB: It's just been crazy timing because right after I met you, work got so crazy and I'm having trouble managing the stress of it all. I haven't even seen my friends in weeks...

Me: I just think you need to figure out your work/life balance. I'm going to be that person that commands you to have fun more often!

BB: Wow...that's really nice. You're a great lady. 

(Duh. I'm awesome!)

And just like that, he snapped into a different person. He started texting regularly (sometimes that's all it takes to make a girl feel good, guys). He was super supportive while I went through some training at work. And I even went over to his house in sweats and he told me I looked hot. What a nice man. We also became Facebook friends. And he wrote on my wall... 

I did what every girl would do. I looked through all the photos of him and his ex-gf, and made myself want to vomit. She's pretty. Wow, they went on a lot of trips together. Hmm this picture is kind of recent..is that when he told me they broke up? Ew, a kissing photo! EXIT FACEBOOK. I also decided I needed to lose weight. After the initial stalking, I made a promise:

...again.

Thrown to the Wolfpack

Well, shit. I didn't exactly expect The Busy Builder to say yes to my offer. He's not too busy? I snapped out of my champagne coma and wondered how exactly I might pull this off. I was on my way to dinner and a night out with the girls from the bridal shower, and I'm so not the girl to ditch her friends for a penis. But the girls were very supportive and told me to invite him out with us. "It's a group of like seven girls. You're okay with that?" And he said yes.

You might think I shouldn't have gone to this much trouble, but I went and picked him up from his house. Apparently he'd already had a few beers on his own. The ride over to the Venice bar was slightly awkward. We hadn't seen each other in a few weeks, and who knows what this means that we're hanging out again?

We were just starting to warm up to each other again when the girls danced into the bar, most of them on the prowl for guys...and all of us a couple skinny margaritas deep. I was extremely nervous since I normally don't bring guys around unless they're sticking around, but The Busy Builder jumped right in, attempting to learn names and buying drinks. He even had the balls to suggest a game of "Who Knows Lindsay Better" with the bride-to-be, my best friend of 22 years. She won. As the tequila shots soaked into my veins, I was right back where I started. So very smitten with The Busy Builder. He must like me...or why would he be here, making nice with my girlfriends? 

I gave him the signal that he should take me home, (my little c-block was staying the weekend at my dad's house) and I went to wait outside while he closed out the tab at the bar. As I stood at the exit, another very cute guy came bounding out the door. He did a double-take and walked right up to me. "I don't normally do this, but you are gorgeous. Can I get your phone number?" Part of me felt like I should give it to him. Hey, I don't owe The Busy Builder anything, and he wouldn't even be with me tonight if I hadn't made it happen! But, instead I used the phrase all girls dream of, "I'm sorry. I'm actually here with someone." And as I turned to find him in the crowd, he was outside the bar watching..."Lindsay!" I went running to him.

Some of the best parts of this night are lost in a fog of tequila, but I'm pretty sure The Busy Builder's fish witnessed some inappropriate kitchen behavior. Sorry, Mom.

Playing the Game

I'm always playing the game of dating...with myself. I don't believe for a second that the guys I date have any idea what's going on in my head. Those evil thoughts.

My experience with The Busy Builder is a perfect example. Obviously after blowing me off for his grandma, he wasn't going to contact me again. I should have moved on to the next...But I didn't.

Instead I told myself there's no way this is over. I have to make him like me, without looking totally desperate. I hate to lose. I have to initiate contact, but in a really cute way...

I sent a photo of myself.

Whoa whoa whoa...I know what you're thinking, but this isn't an after-school special. It wasn't that kind of photo! It was of my bulging bicep muscle post workout...Duh. Check them out:

Caption: "I dunno. I think my arms are bigger than yours."

Wait for response....ding ding.

"I don't think so."....and there it is! What I secretly wanted. A photo of his huge arms. Drool. Fuck, I wish I hadn't deleted that off my phone in a fit of rage.

I sent cute texts like that every couple days that week. Clearly he needed to be reminded of how awesome I am. And he always responded, but never initiated. That Saturday, I hosted a bridal shower...every single girl's favorite event. After countless glasses of champagne, I got brave. I texted him...

"...May I interest you in a beer?"

"Yes!"

Happy Birthday, Grandma.

After our fourth date where I planned a night of Japanese BBQ and drinks at a cool bar, The Busy Builder got...busy.

The texts came fewer and far between. I started to feel perhaps he's not that into me. Stupid sex ruins everything! But there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Wayyyyy back on our second date (okay it was only about two weeks before), he had invited me to see one of his friend's bands play. And it was coming up! I was pretty excited to potentially meet some of his friends, and dates with music involved are my favorite. And considering how "busy" he is with work, it was awesome to see him planning ahead!

The Friday before the Saturday night show, I had a really stupid meeting about websites at work. I snuck away for a moment and checked my phone...there were a few messages from The Busy Builder.

"Hey, so I'm really sorry but I'm going to have to cancel tomorrow night. It's my grandma's 90th birthday, and I totally forgot. Sorry." 

Lies. That HAS to be a lie.

I texted back in an attempt to be funny..."That's fine. But if this is your way of blowing me off, pretty bad to bring your grandma into it ;) " 
A winky face makes it a joke, obviously.

No response.

I checked my phone obsessively the rest of the day, but he never responded. Fuck. I'm such a bitch. Or wait...he's the dick! Why isn't he at least responding to let me know if that's the case? UGH. I waited all night for something from him, but it never happened. At this point, I figured it's over. But I just couldn't give up, so in the morning I went to release some of my frustration...

And I sent one last text after my workout, asking for him to at least respond since it wasn't like him to just disappear. He wrote back and claimed:

• It's really his grandma's birthday
• He has a bad memory
• Work is crazy, and his phone died.
• He didn't charge it until just now. 10am on a Saturday morning. 

How much of this is true, I'll never know. Is this just a fluke? A stroke of bad luck? Should I continue to pursue this guy? Or is this a sign of things to come? 

Is bad tipping a Dealbreaker?

...if you're an ex-server, potentially.

On our first date, The Busy Builder admitted to not really understanding why we tip in this society:

"I don't get a tip. Why should they? If anything, people cut down my fees and I make LESS money."

Um, you realize people who you tip are purposely in a field where they can make money be giving great service right? Otherwise, they're making minimum wage.

"Ya, but they're still not getting more than 15% from me. And definitely no tip to the valet for driving my car 20 feet. And no tip for the car wash."

[Insert Lindsay's "this is awkward" face.]

And then I sent him to Gratuity Not Included...but he was too busy to read it. 

I will confess that I always peek at the check when I'm on a date with a guy. Habit, I guess. Guys who are great tippers get extra points in my book. Then there are guys like Sandwich Guy, who on most dates...handed me his credit card and then fled the scene. "You sign for me, babe." I fucking hate when guys call me babe.  Barf.

I decided that in The Busy Builder's case, bad tipping would NOT be a Dealbreaker. 

...Oh, sorry. I was just daydreaming about the ways I could change you. Soon you'll be a great tipper, your Affliction shirts will be burned, and your musical taste will reflect something better than Weezer. 

Losing Bets and Getting Laid

Things were going well with The Busy Builder. We'd only met a week before, but I already let my guard down and allowed him to pick me up at my house for the third date. We planned to go to a bar in Venice Beach to watch the UFC fights, a very typical Saturday event for him. He's got that "All American" vibe about him.... a jeans and tshirt, beer-loving, truck-driving man.

As we sipped on giant margaritas and took bets on who would win each round, I asked when his birthday is. I think astrology is fun, and I couldn't be more of a true Sagittarius: read more about that here. Completely shocking, we discover The Busy Builder and I have the same birthday, just one year apart. What are the odds? Girl Thought: this must mean something! It's a sign! I almost didn't believe it until he showed me his license. While sharing is not one of my strengths (Remember my freak out with Sandwich Guy?) this could actually be a positive for The Busy Builder, as he claims to have the worst memory ever. Can't forget my birthday, now!

At this point he looked at my nearly empty giant margarita and laughed. He couldn't believe I can keep up with his drinking. I'm awesome like that. We ordered another and kissed in the bar. I'm not usually big on PDA, but it felt nice to want that again. The main event was about to start and he announced that if I lose this round, I will have to plan our next date. DEAL. I ended up losing, and it didn't bother me one bit. Why?

1. It means we get a fourth date.
2. I'm great at date-planning! 

We were about to go home after the fights, both a bit tipsy, but we turned around and headed to the sand, climbing onto one of the deserted lifeguard towers. It was so romantic. I got caught up in the moment and knew I wanted him to go home with me that night. It was way too soon, but I broke the rules. Hey Everyone! Aren't you proud I waited a whole week? Umm, you only live once?

When we woke up the next morning, I instantly grew concerned. I know what happens when you sleep with a guy too soon...he loses all interest. Surely I'll never hear from him again. Stupid, stupid girl! As we dressed to go to breakfast at one of my favorite spots on Main Street, I walked Oliver (who was thankfully NOT a c-block the night before, sleeping quietly in his dog bed on the floor) to the backyard. When I came back inside, The Busy Builder was nowhere to be found. My heart sank. I knew this would happen. I opened the front door to check for his car, and there he was...sitting on my stoop, shaking the sand out of his shoes. 

"You thought I just left? You must really think I'm an asshole."

I guess that's just what I'm used to...

We had a great morning on Main Street, talking about life goals and business plans. I love how passionate he is about the design+build company he started; ambition is a huge turn-on. (So are big, muscly arms.) His business is really starting to blow up, and it's exciting...but could be the reason he doesn't have a girlfriend --hence the title "The Busy Builder."

Workaholics are ALL over the online dating world. 

A girl's gotta eat!

Having a crush may be the greatest thing ever. I knew right off the bat that I really enjoyed talking to and spending time with The Busy Builder, but I didn't want to limit myself since I had been messaging another guy online before I met him. I agreed to a Friday Happy Hour at one of my favorite spots in Culver City for Mexican food and margaritas.

He was early, and I was a little late. As I approached the restaurant, I saw a nerdy looking hipster sitting solo on the patio. I took a deep breath, and said hi. The girls at the table next to us instantly noticed that this was a first date, and I felt a little embarrassed to be there with him. I can already tell I'm not attracted. Nerdy Hipster was a Missouri transplant, and worked as a bitch assistant writer on a cartoon that he admitted to being terrible. In fact, it seems as though he hates his job...and life in general. Sounds wonderful. 

I knew I liked The Busy Builder more, but we'd had a massacre at work that day, so I decided to go with it and get some free margaritas...and chips and guacamole...and a full plate of tacos. Don't judge me! I didn't care if this guy thought I was ladylike, so I practically licked my plate clean. I can't even remember what we talked about, but the food was awesome. He got up to use the restroom and I seriously contemplated getting up and leaving. After we finished eating, he asked if I wanted to head to one of the bars in the area for another drink. I told him I was too tired from the crazy work week, and wanted to get home.

We walked toward the parking structure past one of my favorite hidden little bars, and I noticed the bartender outside on a smoke break. Nerdy Hipster offered to walk me up to my car. "That's nice, but I'm good. Thank you for dinner!" 

I hope that bartender didn't recognize me from my Tuesday Date there with The Busy Builder...And shit, I'm wearing the exact same outfit. The bartender thinks I'm a whore.

P.S. Nerdy Hipster called me the next day to ask me on a second date. Apparently guys are into chicks who eat. Who knew!

Text Me, Maybe?

A cute guy messaged me. Geez I really needed that. We messaged online a fair bit, and I was pleasantly surprised with our conversations. His "game" was to send three random facts about each other. I actually thought this was really fun and spontaneous, and it definitely helped spark conversations about each other's lives. But uh oh...he was home-schooled. Yikes. That must be why he's single.

He asked me to hang out on a Saturday night, which happened to be the day of a big fundraising event for work...but I agreed anyway. I was excited about this one. And I know he was, too....because he drunk-texted me on Friday night while out with friends. I worked until the afternoon and came home for a much needed power nap, but we hadn't really finalized plans and I hadn't heard from him since 3pm. Is he blowing me off? Eventually I sent some sort of text wondering what was going on, and he instantly called me. According to him, I wasn't getting any of the messages he'd been sending me. Suuuuuuuuuure. We met in Culver City for burgers and beer. I wore my brand new shoes...

I know.

It was a fun date. I felt really comfortable around him, but also wanted to jump his bones. It's a good combo. We laughed about the failed messages, and I decided he wasn't as socially awkward as I'd expect a home-schooled kid to be. He said he hated first dates, and wished he could skip to the third date where it's less awkward. I rolled my eyes and without thinking asked if that's because that's when you "get it in?" Oh god. Word Vomit. My dating mentor (a dude, btw) always tells not to say anything sexual on a first date. Oops. He was caught off-guard, but I don't think I fully scared him off. Phew.

As he walked me back to my car, I really hoped he'd kiss me. But instead I got a hug next to my car as we stood and joked about his phone still not sending messages. I grabbed and it did a good ol' battery pull...magic. It works now. And instantly the texts he'd been sending came flooding in. Okay, he wasn't lying. And then he kissed me. In the Culver City parking structure. And it was great. Hello, Busy Builder...

Backpack Guy

I took a trip to San Francisco to visit a bunch of friends in the area, and stayed with my stepsister. Not an hour into my weekend there, my stepsister tells me she wants to send me on a blind date while I'm visiting. Really? I'm here for two days! Apparently she had gone out with a nice, Jewish guy there and had no chemistry but thought he might be great for me.

True to my word that I'm pretty open to being fixed up, I figured why not. She arranged for us to meet on Sunday evening for drinks. He met us after dinner and she went back home after the initial introduction. As I walked outside the restaurant to meet him, I took note of my blouse and boots and saw he was wearing....

a backpack.

He was also wearing a sweatshirt...on a blind date. I'm clearly overdressed, but aren't we going to a bar? And why does he need a backpack, anyway? What's in there?? Instead of drinks, he asked if we could go to a coffee shop. Sure, why not? He ordered a hot cider and I ordered some tea. We talked for a little bit, but he was giving me every signal that he wasn't interested.

• "I'm really focused on work right now"
• "All my friends live on the east coast, so I'll probably move back there"
• And did I mention he had his backpack with him??

After about thirty minutes, he looked at his watch and told me he really had to get back to work...on a Sunday night at 8:30pm. We walked outside the coffee shop to say goodbye. When I told him I planned to walk fifteen minutes back to my stepsister's house, he did not offer to walk me or pay my cab fare. Oh well...it was a really nice walk.

P.S. My stepsister was embarrassed about the way he handled the date...she agreed that the backpack was an odd choice of accessory.

Beverly Hills Beard

I took a couple weeks off after I got "dumped" by Sandwich Guy. And you know what I did? I ordered my own sandwiches. And I ate them...ALL BY MYSELF. I fell victim to another one of my bad habits...

Ice Cream. You motherfucker.

When am I going to meet a guy I like? Online dating is stupid.
Oh okay, I'll just login and check my messages...Ooh a Jew! 

I responded to the Beverly Hills Jew simply out of loneliness. I was pretty sure he was too short, and I hate when guys post a picture of their expensive car. You're SO cool. This guy was obviously rich. We messaged a little, and  he invited me out on a Friday night to a rooftop bar in Beverly Hills. Money makes me slightly uncomfortable, so I was very nervous as I approached the valet. The elevator door opened and yup, he's 5'6" not 5'9". Why do guys always go with 5'9"? He instantly told me the bar was "too crowded" and asked if I would mind if we went somewhere else...

Five blocks later we ended up at a boutique hotel, in a bar area completely ALONE. I ordered a glass of wine, and I already knew it's the only drink I'd be having. He used the Valley Girl filler "like" more than I do. We have nothing in common, and he seems a little bit too polished and dare I say, flamboyant? He ordered a moscow mule. I sat with my legs crossed so far away from him, and he leaned in to take a sip of his drink...

...through the straw

...with his pinky up.

I know what's happening here. His Jewish Mother is yearning for some Jewish Babies. And he doesn't know how to tell her...He's gay. I started implementing my favorite "get rid of a guy" tactic: disagreeing with EVERYTHING he said. One drink and we were heading back to the valet, where I assumed we both parked at the super fancy hotel he invited me to. But no. About a block away from the hotel, he stops and points at his car parked on the street and says, "Well, this is me." Seriously? Mr. Moneybags wouldn't shell out $8 to valet his luxury car? 

Needless to say he didn't offer to walk me back or pay for my valet. Go home to your mommy.

No such thing as a free sandwich

Sunday the shit hit the ferris wheel. We ran out of money again on Saturday, so I suggested we go back to the ATM. When I opened my car door, Sandwich Guy sat quietly. I asked, "Aren't you going to take more money out?" "No. I'll just wait in the air conditioning." ASSHOLE. Look, if I have a boyfriend, I'm all about splitting costs. But what happened to his "I'm not worried about it" statement about money? (-20 points, I can't afford this, and he knows it!)

I really tried to be polite, but he was losing points all over the fairgrounds. I thanked him again for bringing me and he said, "No problem. I got a really good deal on the tickets. They were practically free." Guys: This is called unnecessary disclosure. Girls do not need to know about discounts or "great deals" on items you bought for him. I felt like he just told me my diamond ring was actually cubic zirconia. 

We went to eat at a burger food truck and Sandwich Guy ordered us ONE burger to share. As we passed the burger, taking turns on bites, I lost it.
OH MY GOD. I DON'T WANT TO SHARE A BURGER WITH YOU! I WANT MY OWN SANDWICH! WHO SPLITS A BURGER??
Maybe it was the extreme heat and dehydration, or maybe it was just my love of food...Sandwich Guy had officially driven me towards a Crazy Girl Moment. There would be no more sandwiches in our future.

I looked at the time and reminded him that Girl Talk was about to start and I wanted to get a good spot at the Outdoor Stage. All of a sudden, guess who's interested in watching the show at the Sahara Tent (where they play the house music he hates)? Seriously? As I dragged him to Girl Talk, he confessed he had been thinking it was a girl group. At Coachella? Riiiiight.

Somehow I managed to enjoy the rest of the night...thanks to Girl Talk, Florence+The Machine, and the amazing headlining performance of Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg and their holographic entourage. After being stuck in the mob of dirty hipsters trying to leave the fairgrounds, we finally made it to my car. Yes, I am driving us back to LA at 1:30am. And he didn't even offer to drive my car for me. "You can go to sleep. I'm good." (+10 points for me, because I love being passive aggressive) We barely spoke on the way home and when I dropped him off, I told him I wanted to sleep in my own bed. Goodnight, Sandwich Guy.

Approximately one week later, Sandwich Guy texted me:
"I don't think it's going to work out between us."

No shit.

But wait...did HE just dump ME? 

Sandwich Guy is NOT a Hipster

Friday of Coachella Weekend I drove my hipster gear to Hermosa to pick up Sandwich Guy. He asked me to drive us to the festival because his "classic" car wasn't reliable for long trips. (-10 points, I hate driving) When I got there he was super excited and had even packed us some snacks. (+5 points, I love snacks) A few hours later we were close to the hotel we were staying at and stopped to get a bite to eat. He ordered us ONE turkey sandwich to share... One sandwich. (-5 points) Whatever, I'm going to Coachella!

We hurriedly threw our stuff in the room and took a cab to the event. It was fucking hot, but cooling off as the evening performances began. The first night was pretty smooth, considering Sandwich Guy has no idea who is performing at this festival besides The Black Keys and Snoop/Dr. Dre. (+10 points, I get to pick our shows) The trouble is, he doesn't like house music (a key part of the event) and also didn't really want to drink. Sooooo we're in Indio with a million amazing bands you've never heard of, you don't want to party, and you don't want to jump around in a crowd of people on ecstasy? Why are we here?? The Black Keys were amazing, and as he stood behind me with his hands around my waist, I felt confident about the weekend. This was going to be a really special memory.

Saturday was a fresh day, and I was ready to party! It was a little weird getting ready in front of a guy this soon. I much prefer to appear looking cute without him seeing the effort behind it. But he told me I looked really cute, and that made it better. (+10 points). I suggested we drink a fair amount before heading to the fairgrounds, but he declined. Ugh. I told him we needed to find a bank because I'd only brought $100 in cash and we used it on Friday night since he "forgot to get cash." (-5 points) I thought surely he would pay me back when we went to the ATM, but no. Instead he suggested he carry all OUR money for the day. Hmm. Halfway through the day, I was sober and annoyed with him but he made up for it all when he helped push me to the front right to watch one of my favorite bands: The Shins. (+10 points, for being a man) I couldn't help but think about The Aussie...somewhere in the same crowd, cuddling up to his new American girlfriend. And I'm here with this guy. That night I told him I was too tired for anything sexual, since I was sweaty and dirty. It was only partly true. I could tell he was pissed, and I didn't care...

An offer I couldn't refuse

You may think it's harsh, but for me...snoring is a Dealbreaker. How could we possibly share a life together without being able to sleep in the same bed? Just as I was trying to limit my contact with Sandwich Guy by being "busy," he texted the most magical phrase I'd ever seen:

"If I got us tickets to Coachella, would you want to go?"

I explained that while his offer would be this little wannabe hipster's dream come true, I hadn't purchased tickets because I simply could not afford it. His response? "I'm not worried about that."

Free trip to Coachella? I can't turn this down...can I?

Coachella: a weekend of all sorts of my favorite bands
No-chella: with a guy I'm not that into

Coachella: maybe it would bring us together
No-chella: or maybe we'd kill each other

Coachella: he must see long-term potential for us
No-chella: I'll probably have to sleep with him if I say yes...

Why am I even having this inner-battle of ethics? It's Coachella! And he invited you! Just go! What's the worst thing that could happen?

It would be wrong if I didn't mention the other reason I said "YES" to Coachella: The Aussie. After our breakup, he decided to follow through with his US Work Visa and moved to Austin, Texas. He met a girl. He bought her a ticket and flew her to Coachella with him...with tickets that were meant for us. But I had declined his offer.

Sleepless Night

...and not the good kind.

On our third and fourth dates, I started to notice something concerning about Sandwich Guy. He drinks A LOT when we hang out. Typical girl thoughts: Does he have to be drunk to hang out with me? Maybe he's just nervous. Do I want to date a guy that always gets wasted? But I party a lot, too. 

On our fourth date, I permitted him to spend the night. This was mostly because I had no idea how he'd get back to Hermosa that drunk. I was definitely not ready to sleep with him, but I figured I could probably give him a bj and he'd be satisfied with that. I'm told this is a typical Jewish girl maneuver. Well, I didn't even have to because he wanted the night to be about me...SCORE. That kind of thing doesn't usually do it for me, but if you insist...

...Can I keep this guy around just for that? Is that horrible?

That thought quickly left the moment he passed out, wrapped around me with his hot, hairy body. He nearly pushed me off my own bed. And then...the snoring started. Oh my fucking god. He's smothering me! How is he not waking himself up?!? Oh I know. I'll just nudge him away. Fuck, he's too heavy. I know. I'll squeeze out from under his arm and...YES I'm free! I'll just go on the other side of the bed. It's so nice and cool over here. Ugh. It's 4am and I still can't sleep. Psssst...Oliver...are you awake?

I took Oliver and quietly tiptoed out of the room. Thankfully we have a guest room. I slept soundly for about three hours before I heard him wake up to pee. Crap. I went back into my room and sat on the bed, and when he came back he wasn't even that surprised to see me. "Where were you?" Oh...um, I'm just a really light sleeper and you were kinda snoring. "Oh. That sucks for you."

GAME OVER. 

Second Date with Sandwich Guy

Just as I suspected, Sandwich Guy liked me quite a lot. I even had to make up plans for Saturday because he was very eager to see me the very next day after our date. I agreed to Sunday instead. When he suggested he buy us Laker tickets the day of the game because he knew I've never been, I wondered if he could actually pull that off. Oh yeah...I should probably mention now: He makes really good money.

This isn't necessarily something I look for. I have had the misfortune pleasure of mostly dating guys that are broke, still trying to get their shit together. But this was different. Sandwich Guy, at 31, has a well-paying job that he loves (so I don't think I can recruit him to take over my family business, but that's another story) and he's very open that money is never an issue for him. He lives in a swanky beach house in Hermosa Beach, drives a Porsche, and probably spends more money on shoes than I do. Must be nice.

My instincts told me he was a good guy, and frankly I didn't feel like going out, so I invited him over to my house to watch a movie and get Chinese Takeout. I know what you're thinking...It's too soon. He shouldn't be at your house. He could be a serial killer! But I had this guy bouncing the door:

So it's all good.

Key Moment: The food arrives, and I decide to be a "cool girl" and pay for it. I did invite him over to my house, so it seems fair. Bad call. He scolded me for even trying. Sat me down like a little girl and said, "I work really hard in order to take care of my friends and family. Please don't even try to pay for things when you're with me." I remembered that...and you should, too. It will be very important when I reveal what makes him Sandwich Guy.

After a lot of cuddling and Sandwich Guy being TOTALLY open about his feelings for me, "I feel so lucky to have met you. You make me feel so comfortable, like I can tell you anything," I started to worry. This is the kind of guy I should like. He's emotionally available, just like The Aussie, except he actually has his life in order and gets bonus points for being Jewish. But there's something about him that I just can't fall for... I had no idea what it was, but there just wasn't a spark for me. Maybe I can learn to like him?

The first good first date!

With three strikes against me, I started to think online dating is for boring people and pervs. I relapsed. And by relapse, I mean I went back to my exes...one of my biggest flaws. I don't cut ties when I should. It's a problem, but at least I recognize it.
So maybe I sent a super sad email to The Aussie telling him how sorry I was for being a bad girlfriend and not realizing how amazing he was until after it was too late. And maybe this nearly caused him to end his new relationship and look for jobs in Los Angeles. And MAYBE I also texted The Playboy to come visit, knowing full well he was dating a 19-year-old. I'm weak. I'm sorry. UGH.

After this minor setback, I happened across a message from a guy who looked decently attractive. And hey, he's Jewish! After some flirtatious text messages, I agreed to go out with him on a Friday night. As I walked out of the parking garage, I saw what looked like a typical Jewish guy and nearly turned back to my car. (Why, oh, why can't I be attracted to The Chosen Ones?) Instead, I smiled and approached.

You're already out, Lindsay. Just get a drink, then call your friends to go out after. Plus, you're having a REALLY good hair day. (See below)

The Sandwich Guy (you'll understand why this is his name in due time) and I decided to go to one of the bars in Culver City. Before I could even look at the menu, he ordered a vodka orange juice with an extra shot. I stuck with the typical girl drink: vodka soda. No extra shot for me, thanks. He was nervous; it was his first time on a date with someone he met online. Halfway through the first round, we decided to share appetizers and he stood up and came around to stand over my shoulder as we looked over our one menu. Whoa. Am I attracted to him? I have little butterflies now that he's so close!

After we ate and went through a second round of drinks, it was time to go. I think I like him...and he obviously likes me, too, because he wants to keep the night going. Standing room only in the next bar we walked to, but he ordered me a beer and we stood and talked a little more. I was either drunk, or starting to really like him. Let's go with the latter because right then he leaned in and kissed me. We kissed right in the middle of the bar and I felt like time stopped for a second. It was a great move.

When I finally used my, "I have to go home because my dog hates to be alone" excuse, I looked at my phone and saw we'd been out for FOUR HOURS. Longest first date ever, but a successful one! I see a second date in my future...

I won't message you back if...

Your picture shows you and
...your parrot.

I hate birds.

U R Cute

This post is dedicated to my Cougar Twin (even though she doesn't have her cougar anymore):

I don't understand why guys can't manage to speak in full words in messages. If you message me online with: 

"U R CUTE," I instantly click delete. 

NEway it's even worse if this kind of behavior sneaks into text messaging. It's bad enough that we live in a world where we have to interact and communicate online and in texts, but can't we at least acknowledge the English language. Your profile says you have a college degree, so use it. Try to impress me just a little bit...

Just know girls are judging you when you ask,

"What R U up 2?"

Throw in the five extra letters and you are one step closer to getting laid.

You're welcome.

You'd have to do better than Froyo for that!

After feeling like my dates were super safe and boring, I decided to go the opposite route...
I agreed to go out with a guy who was shirtless in his main pic, and he looked good.

Oddly, he invited me to Menchie's for froyo. Hmm.

Well, if long-term relationships are part of the Menchie's Mission Statement, maybe it's not such a bad idea.

He sat back in his chair like he was the coolest guy around and I took a good look; he wasn't as hot as his pics (shocking). Maybe it was the fluorescent lighting inside Menchie's, but I started to lose interest fast. After we finished eating, he suggested we go for a walk around the neighborhood. He complained that all the girls who message him online were fat or uglier in real life. Awesome. Thankfully the date ended after only 45 minutes and he didn't even attempt to kiss me goodnight.

I got home and about five minutes later received the following text:

"That was fun. So, can I get a sexy pic?"

WTF.

"Sorry, but you'd have to do a lot better than froyo for that!"