What is a Grouper?

The following story is about a new adventure in dating, "Grouper." Though this is a true story, the names have been changed to protect their identity. Credit for the names goes to my amazing girlfriends. Love you, bebes. 

So I got this call from my friend -- Angela Sexpot -- asking if I'll be her wing for this dating thing called "Grouper." What the hell is a Grouper? I had no idea. Here's the gist...

Girl signs up, and gives some chick access to her Facebook, and they stalk the hell out of her until they find a guy they think she'll want to bone date. They pick a time and place, and set up the arrangements. Girl invites 2 single girlfriends. Boy invites 2 single guys. Everyone pays $20 and meets at the bar for their first point of contact.
Happiness, or awkwardness ensues.

You might be thinking...wait a minute. Did I miss an entry? I thought things were going well with Ron Swanson? This is true. But Angela Sexpot invited me before I had met him. I figured I might as well go, hang out with some of my best friends, and have a good story for the blog. (And yes, Ron Swanson knew I went.)

Angela Sexpot picked me up with Bebe Genuine and we pound a warm-up drink before heading to The Corner Door, a little restaurant bar local to my hood. We got there on time, but the guys were not there yet. The manager instantly recognized that we were a group of three chicks and asked if we were there for the Grouper. We order our first drinks, which are included with the $20 fee. The boys were fifteen minutes late before we started planning if we could use their drinks to get a free second round. And then a group of guys walked in... Bebe Genuine's face dropped. Let's just say, they were not cute. And thankfully, not there for us.

Our groupers walked in shortly after, apologizing for their tardiness. They weren't bad looking, either. Chatty Cathy, their leader, got right in and never stopped talking...both to Angela Sexpot and Bebe Genuine. I was sitting next to Miley Cyrus Hair Guy, a surfer from San Diego. We talked about Australia, since he'd lived there for a while. Across from me sat The Wet Sock. He was cute, but SO boring. The boys suggested we go to another bar for a second round...I was hesitant, but decided to take one for the team and go! It's a Monday! Why not get drunk?

On the way there, us girls decided Bebe Genuine would take Chatty Cathy (who was three years younger than us, by the way. What the hell? He knew our friend's little sister). Angela Sexpot would go for Miley Cyrus Hair Guy, and I would happily entertain The Wet Sock. I had all kinds of crazy girl questions prepped. 

The boys clearly made a plan, too, because once we got there...the lines were drawn. I tried asking The Wet Sock every dumb question I could think of like,
"What's your favorite Madonna song?" But he didn't bite. In fact, he got up from the table and moved to the other side, closer to Angela. Rude! Miley Cyrus Hair Guy gave me a lot of attention...Uh oh. He bought me a beer. I think he even tried to grab my hair. Uh oh. The girls and I agreed that the bar was FULL of hot hipster guys, and we were with none of them. Fail. Eventually we ended the night, and laughed our whole way home.

Moral of the story: I'm sure Grouper is a great idea. Go out with your friends? Score! But I don't think I'm a fan. I don't like the idea of "competing" with my girlfriends...let's see who wants to talk to us! It's kinda odd. The best part of the night was laughing with my girls. And getting free drinks from guys we never had to talk to again. We win!

So, I have this blog...

As Ron Swanson and I started spending more time together, I started to feel like there was an elephant sitting on my chest...

I'm totally lying to him until I tell him about this blog's existence!! I have to tell him!!!!

I consulted my male friends, who all thought it was way too soon to unleash the toxic info. But I did it anyway. If I was going to bring him to meet my family for Thanksgiving, he had to know. I couldn't risk that he found out from someone other than me...

Me: "So, I feel like I need to tell you something..."

Ron: "Uh oh"

Me: "Well...it's just that I've not told you, I'm kind of an avid blogger. I've had a few over the years."

Ron: "About what?"

Me: "I used to write one about working in restaurants, and it was pretty well-liked, but then I quit. And I wanted to start writing again, but I needed something about my current life..."

Ron: "Your sex life?"

Me: "Well, not exactly....but my dating life. I started writing about my experiences with online dating mostly."

Ron: "Have you written about me?"

Me: "Yes. But only good things!"

Ron: "Okay, well that's cool. I get it. It's a creative outlet."

THE END. He didn't ask me anything else! In fact, he didn't even want to read it or know what it's called...which is pretty easy to maintain since he's not on Facebook. And he didn't care if I continued to write about him, so here we are.

That was a little too easy. 

Boys Dumb. Girls Crazy.

Are girls more observant than guys?
I'm starting to think so.

A large portion of my relationships ended because I "observed" more carefully than the guy expected...

The worst example was when The Playboy and I had a wonderful night together celebrating the holidays, but then I went to use his restroom and saw a pile of bobby pins and fake eyelashes on the counter. I mean, really? He couldn't bother to clean up after another girl who spent the night... right after he promised me he would never see her again?? Sloppy.

Ron Swanson has been pretty perfect by normal standards, but when I went to eat his steak dinner I took a quick look around his bachelor pad. It was totally normal until she appeared...

"Ex-wife" labeled on a box for an external hard drive sitting right on his desk. Her real name was handwritten with little flowers surrounding...

Oh god. How can I not stalk her now? Is she prettier than me? 

I don't know if it's just my experience, but I think guys are not as good at cleaning up after their previous relationships. Hell, I make sure there's no sign of my ex before a new guy comes over. But, it seems I am always very aware of another girl's presence.

Girls are crazy. Guys, just don't leave your trail out in the open.

C-Block makes a New Friend

Not every guy has a positive reaction to, "I have a dog....he's a cocker spaniel mix...small, white, fluffy thing." But at the end of the day, he has to be cool with my main man, Oliver, if the relationship is going to go anywhere.

My roommate does the online dating thing, too. One time I witnessed a guy bring her dog a treat from Three Dog Bakery, and thought, "good move." She takes the meet-and-greet pretty seriously. But she's also the girl that locks her dog in the spare bedroom on nights her ex visits because he's a "light sleeper." Uh huh. Suuuuuuure. 

Personally, I've always approached the situation from a pessimistic side. I'm nervous that he'll think my dog is stupid and not manly enough.

"So, uh..here's my dog. Oh, ya he's crazy. Don't worry...let's go."

But secretly I'm jealous of the couples I watch at the dog park while Oliver wanders around peeing on every tree. 

Ron Swanson told me he had something for me when I went to his house for dinner. Turns out it wasn't a gift for me...but for my furry little c-block. He handed me a stuffed fox, complete with squeaker inside. It's Oliver's favorite kind of toy. To be fair to all other guys in the world, Ron Swanson isn't so perfect as to buy my dog a gift. He tried to adopt a dog after the divorce, but the jack russell was a little too crazy and their trial period (and relationship) expired...much like his marriage.

Oliver very happily accepted the foxy toy. 

We're both pretty content being #2 right now. 

Girls love assholes.

Girls (like me) love assholes. Anyone who disagrees...you're wrong. We may grow tired and get over it, but we still love them deep down.

Married Man laughed at my reaction to Ron Swanson. "I love that you can't handle a guy being nice to you." But really what am I supposed to think?? The guy wants to make me dinner. That doesn't happen to me. There must be something wrong with him...obviously. Doesn't he know he's supposed to pressure me into sleeping with him, only to never contact me again?

This is just not normal.

It makes me mad that I'm so surprised by his behavior. Have I completely forgot about what it was like to have someone truly care about me? The Busy Builder isn't pleased with my latest entries. Shocking, I know. Naturally, he's felt a need to respond to my recent entries. He knows I have a weakness for assholes, yet he denies being one. "You made zero effort with me, and that probably made me want it more," I said. "It's more complicated than that," he replied. But I know that means he wishes we could hook up again. I told him I can no longer think about our situation as complicated. That's how I ended up seeing him for so long after he showed complete disregard for my feelings.

No more assholes. It's time for a cleanse. 

And hey, it doesn't hurt that I like hanging out with Ron Swanson. The man makes a nice steak dinner. 

Chivalry is NOT dead.

Over the years, a lot of people have urged me not date guys from Los Angeles. Actually, people said the same thing about Orange County guys when I lived in Newport. They're all Peter Pan types, who aren't interested in getting in serious relationships and blah blah blah. I tuned it out. Because what else was I supposed to do?

Transplants must be where it's at. Ron Swanson is from Florida, but he's lived in LA for a few years. It's a good blend of southern manners with LA style. I'll admit I have been a little thrown off and weary of his gentleman-like nature. It's been a long time since I dated someone who...

• Opens doors and pulls out chairs
• Always asks if I'm warm enough, and offers his coat
• Compliments genuinely and often...but not too often.
• ...And listens.

On our first date, Ron Swanson asked my favorite type of food. I love Asian cuisine, but told him that even though I spent years slinging pasta, Italian food will always be most comforting. He listened and took me to an Italian restaurant on our second date. 

I'm here to announce: Chivalry is NOT dead. 

The Worst Second Date

A couple days after my date with The Speed Dater, he texted to say he had a great time and wanted to see me again. This took two weeks to happen, due to his work schedule. Just what I need...another workaholic.

He met me at Westside Tavern after for dinner and a movie on Saturday night. Unfortunately, the movie was sold out so he bought us tickets to see Perks of Being a Wallflower. We had FOUR HOURS to kill before it started. So he suggested we go across the street to Gyu-Kaku instead. The wait was a little long, so we walked next door to The Wellsbourne for a drink. Oh great. This just turned into the same date I took The Busy Builder on for our fourth date. We went up to the bar and he ordered...a DIET COKE. Wait, what?

Five minutes later, I changed his name to Dick Downer.
Things that Dick Downer is allergic to:

• cats
• dust
• ALCOHOL
• sun
• happiness
• fun

"But you can order a drink," he said. That's okay. If I wanted to drink alone, I'd be in my pj's watching SNL. We walked into the restaurant and he panicked: "Does it seem safe to eat here? It looks dirty." Ummm...I laughed. I thought he was joking. He ordered for us without even asking me what I like, then dismissed himself to go wash his hands. [First text to friends: "Oh god. He doesn't drink."] He came back traumatized. "The bathroom is right next to the kitchen...and I don't think they're very careful about all that raw meat." He proceeded to wipe down our table. I laughed, uncomfortably.

Over the next four hours, I learned a lot about Dick Downer. 

Things that Dick Downer hates:

• germs
• bars that have live music 
• spending money
• his job
• his co-workers
• Chrismas music
• Republicans (yup, he talked politics on a second date)
• costumes
• his high school friends

This guy probably hates blowjobs and rainbows, too...

We finally made it over to the movie theater, and I snuck away to the bathroom. [Second text to sister: "Wish I was with you. This date is bleh."] The moment we sat down, he lifted the armrest and reached for my hand. Interesting, since we had no prior physical contact. The movie started and well...it isn't exactly a romantic comedy. I won't spoil it, but you shouldn't see this film on a date. When the plot turned, he pulled his hand away. After the movie, Dick Downer added something to the list of things he hates: 

• Perks of Being a Wallflower

He complained about its lack of originality, then complained about the $8 parking fee, and then complained about the parking garage. Just when I felt relieved to make it back to my car, he surprise-attacked my face. HE ATE MY FACE. And just like that, he was gone...and I wiped the saliva off my face and raced home. 

This is why first dates should last longer than thirty minutes...

Spring Forward, Fall Back

I spent my extra hour...blogging.

The season changed, and my summer romance officially ended. In fact, I closed the door on everyone I'd been in contact with:

The Aussie
The Over-Texter
The Not-So-Tall Guy
The Busy Builder

After I posted my "Takin It Back, Tuesdays" about The Aussie (and he confessed he knew about the blog all along), we decided it's better when we don't have contact with each other. This might be the first time neither one of us has the other's phone number. It's for the best.

The Over-Texter was umm...texting me too much. So I politely told him I was interested. He said ok.

I was a complete dick to the Not-So-Tall Guy. Ugh. I feel so badly about how it all went down, but I pretty much just pulled a disappearing act. I should have told him a long, long time ago that I just didn't have romantical feelings for him.

And now I'll say what many who read this already know...I'd still be seeing The Busy Builder all summer. We started hanging out about once a week, and I started to think the feelings were strong for both of us. But I was wrong. I'd been having all kinds of anxiety, wanting to tell him how I felt. And then he dressed as an online dating profile for Halloween. I put my heart out there, though via text. I wanted to be included in his world, meet his friends, be more than the girl he hung out with out of laziness at the end of a night. I told him I was ready to shut down this blog and delete my dating profile because I only wanted to hang out with him. But he didn't want that. So that's that.

While part of me has been sad, feeling like I did last November when The Aussie and I ended our relationship, the other part feels relieved. I'm too awesome to settle for only a little attention and consideration. Time for a new season!

Just me and this guy again...

I won't message you back if... #5

...you have a creepy tattoo...and/or a nipple piercing. 

Clearly he did not notice my photo eating a hamburger, which in my eye, is a gift from the man up above. 

Mmmm sinfully delicious animals.

C-block strikes again!

Guy with dog = chick magnet
Girl with dog = red flag
Girl with dog wearing a cone = cock block

I think my dog wants me to be alone forever. Instead of being cool and playing catch or wrestling with potential suitors, he's crying in the corner because his leg itches and now he's wearing a cone.

I might as well be wearing the cone myself.
I couldn't sleep because I could hear him sitting on his dog bed whining.
After feeling me tossing and turning, the guy finally says, "Just let him up. It's fine."

...And then we had a dog barrier laying between us.

Fail.

Best Time to be Online

Ladies, I have just discovered the best time to be "online" on a dating site: Sunday afternoon. 

It's football season. So what are all the guys I don't want to date doing? Watching football. Maybe it's because I grew up in LA, but frankly I don't care at all about this sport. I'm sure tailgating is fun, and I'll be a good sport and go to a bar to watch a game...but you should know I'm only attending either for the beer.

It's also the day after Saturday. Yes I know that's obvious. But I mean it's the day after Saturday NIGHT. A lot of people, including me, are so fucking a little bit hungover that they are just enjoying their couch and catching up on their DVR on this fine afternoon. All the time in the world to be online...

So here I am, writing back and forth with a guy online. I've gotten about ten messages this afternoon and only one of them is even remotely attractive. That's a pretty standard ratio. I responded to Sarcastic Profile Guy because of his funny profile. Um, ya...that's why I gave him that name. I know my creativity is astounding. Apparently he's had a few crazy dates on this site, and so have I. I even mentioned blogging in my first reply, because honestly I think he wouldn't care. And he didn't even ask about it. Awesome.

Hey, if it doesn't work out (and it probably won't), maybe he'll want to guest post.

And the award for funniest profile goes to:

Ace a First Date: For Girls

Since Ace a First Date: For Guys has been a popular post, I figured it's only right we do a list for girls. I didn't want to write it from my perspective since clearly I am not an expert. My best single guy friend helped me put together a list of do's and don't's for the ladies!
Here are Pinata's tips for a great first date (with commentary by yours truly):

1. Don't check your phone; put it on silent. ~ Your work emails and texts to friends can wait a couple hours. Lindsay says: it's okay to check and update your friends when he goes to the bathroom...just don't get caught!
2. Don't talk about your exes. ~ This should be self-explanatory, but why do girls always do it? Guys don't care. Lindsay says: resist resist resist the urge to talk about "...this one time, my ex and I..." I think very often we jump back in the saddle right after a break-up (unlike guys who seem to wait FOREVER) so it happens to be fresh in our mind and hearts. 
3. Be cute, but not slutty. ~ Lindsay asks: How should a girl dress on the first date? Guys are always so casual. Pinata says: Not overly trendy...show some skin, but leave some mystery. "Get the gears turning, but don't show what's under the hood!"
4. Don't be picky when ordering. ~ You don't want to seem indecisive or high maintenance. And yes, it's okay to actually eat more than a salad.
5. Don't get drunk. ~ Pinata recommends 2-8 drinks, Lindsay says: Eight drinks?!? WTF? I'd be on the floor. (He was joking.)
6. Be engaged. ~ Ask questions. Try not to just answer his questions and ask, "what about you?" Be creative.
7. Laugh at jokes and smile a lot. ~ Lindsay says: I am so good at that! Wait, why don't I have a boyfriend?
8. If you talk about something you both like, suggest you do it together. ~ This shows the guy that you are interested in seeing him again, and you want to create a personal, special memory.
9. At least offer to pay for your portion. ~ It gives the guy an opportunity to be the man, say thank you, and let you know they've got it. Lindsay says: Bleh. I disagree. Maybe that's why I'm single.
10. Appear kissable. ~ We both agree that if you like someone, the first kiss should happen on the first date. Stay close so the guy knows you want to be kissed. Face him; give the opportunity. Fumble the keys, Hitch-style.

What do you think, people?

I'm too competitive.

This is why I don't play sports. I am generally not good at them, and I HATE being bad at them.

Please don't ask me to participate in any of the following activities during a date:

• Mini-golf ~ I will throw my club at you if I don't make it into the clown's mouth.
• Video games ~ Seriously, I hate them. Play on your own time. If I show up at your house and you invite me to sit and play, the date (and our relationship) is officially over.
• Batting cages ~ I will hurt myself...and then you.
• Go Karts ~ I hate driving.
• Trivia ~ I know it's not a sport, but it's still competitive...and I suck. 

The one exception is drunk bowling. It may be a sport, and I may suck at it....but I see you are checking out my ass as I approach the lane. Good boy.

I won't message you back if... #4

...you're looking for a girlfriend for your wife.

I don't want to be your princess. But I do appreciate the recognition that I am one.

Guys who love Weezer

They seem to just find me.

Let me start out by saying that I never disliked Weezer. In fact, I liked a lot of their songs...in the early 2000's. I love music. And I love guys that love music. But I just can't wrap my head around why guys are clinging on to River Cuomo. Isn't he kind of a douchebag?

photo courtesy of BANDS THAT ARE BETTER THAN WEEZER TUMBLR

Weezer's music seems to attract the males of my generation. They listened to their pseudo-emo songs in high school and thought, "Wow...they totally get me." I can relate. I felt the same way about Britney Spears. That's the same, right?

But this is real. Guys REALLY love Weezer. Their lyrics are proof that guys can be just as emotional as girls...maybe more?? Here's one guy's explanation of "Undone-The Sweater Song."

This song is about sexual repression and being jaded about sex. The protagonist is apathetic and jaded, and ignores people around him because he just doesn't care. The guy he speaks with in the beginning is his opposite, and outgoing flirtatious sociable type. The protagonist used to be like him, but has now become tired of it. Any woman he comes across offers him a relationship and implied carnal relations, but he is too jaded to care, perhaps because of being hurt in previous relationships. The chorus is about how girls want to have sex and undress the protagonist, but he is not interested, and just goes along with it because the girl is doing all the work. "If you want to destroy my sweater, hold this thread as i walk away." He walks away from sex and relationships because hes had it all and it is nothing new or interesting. Basically, it explains how one who has had so many bad, flaky relationships cannot find a true, substantial one. Everywhere he goes he is surrounded by shallow chicks who love him and leave him "undone."- A, Ellicott City, MD

[Cue Lindsay's dropped jaw.]

It's time to move on, guys. If you are over 25, you should probably stop acting (and dressing) like you are still in high school. It's a turn off. Let's go see some new bands!

Sure Weezer makes you "feel feelings," but I'm pretty sure a vagina would feel better.

Does size matter?

Relax, Mom. This isn't a post about penis size. It's about one of my dating dealbreakers: Weight. 

This is a true insight into the female mind. I fully accept that I am showing my readers what crazy thoughts go through my head.

I'm not a tall girl. I can't even imagine what it's like for those girls over 5'7 trying to find a guy online (or in the world) that makes them feel petite. By all standards, I AM petite. I'm 5'3. It's not hard to find a guy that's taller than me. And although I do love me some five inch heels, I would never dismiss a guy for being short. There are many different attributes that made my not-so-tall Aussie seem six feet tall. But I will admit, I am more attracted to tall guys.

The crazy reason behind this is weight. While I am small, I wouldn't label myself as skinny -- especially not by LA standards. I like tall guys because they make me feel little. I think most girls have that desire to feel small in their man's arms. Recently I met a guy who is not-so-tall. I know, I know...I haven't gone through the hilarity of our first few dates on here, and that's mostly because I haven't told him about this blog yet. Oopsies. I've happily put my cutest flats on for our dates because he makes me laugh.

The trouble is, not only is he not-so-tall, he's also not-so-big. He's pretty skinny. Every time we're out, my mind starts drifting to what it would be like if our relationship progressed to nakedness...I might squish him. I would definitely feel like a giant on top of him. Guys, I would rather you have a bit of a beer belly than be manorexic. And I know some guys can't really help that...lucky bastards. 

So here's my dealbreaker: If you weigh equal to or less than I do, it's just not going to happen. If you wear a size small or extra small, you're not for me. It might not seem fair, but you can't help what you are or are not attracted to.

What's really twisted is that I definitely love a skinny hipster in his skinny jeans. He just has to be over six feet!

This isn't Downton Abbey

...But if it was, I would totally marry Cousin Matthew.

Ok let me fill you in. A few weeks ago, my first cousin got married. It's always a blast going to Chicago to see the family, and this time was not without its crazy. I had so much fun partying with all my younger cousins, who are now totally adults (which weirds me out). At Sunday's brunch, a VERY bizarre rumor starting floating about the party...

Long story short, my grandma tried to set me up with one of my cousins. She told everyone.
I've officially hit a low point.

Seriously, grandma? This isn't Downton Abbey, and times are not that tough.

"It's far enough removed," she said.

No. No it's not. I will not date members of my family. We are related by blood.

I tried to google the cousin relationship, but I got confused.

You can love your cousin, but you can't LOVE your cousin.

Guys with Accents

I'm such a sucker. Aren't we all?

But after my first date with The Southern Gentleman, I'm not sure I can date a guy with one...again. Maybe it's an actor thing, but whenever I'm around someone with an accent I start taking it on. I'm a chameleon! 

The longer I sat with him, the harder it was for me to stop myself from saying "ya'll." Bad enough that I just returned from a visit with my family in Chicago. My accent is so confused! I don't know who I am anymore!

Sorry, Southern Gentleman. It's not going to work out. Also, I would have expected a man from North Carolina to open doors and walk me to my car. And not be 10 minutes late. 

photo courtesy of zazzle.com

I won't message you back if... #3

...your photos scare me.

Ahh!

Seriously?

Rookie Mistake

The Writer called me a few days after our first date. The conversation seemed pretty normal until he said, "So there's really no way to say this without it being awkward..."

Apparently he was so intrigued by my blogging efforts, he went home and googled, "Bloggiano's." The most recent post read: CHECK OUT MY NEW BLOG. And he clicked. Oopsies. 

The Writer was very uncomfortable with me writing a dating blog. He asked me not to write about him. Double oopsies. And as he told me he felt like he'd just read my diary, I couldn't help but laugh on the other end of the phone. (I had just posted about bj's.) I expected that to be the end of The Writer but he asked me if I had plans for the following week. Whaaaaaat? You still want to date me? Oh I get it. You read that I might put out on the third date. I told him I wasn't so sure I was comfortable with him reading it...he barely knew me, and probably didn't get my humor in this blog. I suggested we take the weekend and think about what it meant for us, but really I never planned to talk to him again. The next morning, my phone dinged:

Oh. Well, since he's definitely reading this: Sorry I posted about you even though I told you I wouldn't. It was just too good!

Most of you are on here because you clicked a link from my Facebook. Honestly, if a guy wasn't cool with me writing this blog, our relationship probably wouldn't last anyway. Shoutout to all the guys from my list reading this blog and being super mostly cool about it: The Trenchcoat, The Bad Boy, The Playboy, The Busy Builder...

 I'll be more careful what I say on dates in the future. Rookie Mistake.