I am 28 years old.

On Monday, I turned 28.

When I was little, I thought this was the age for magic. I thought I'd be starring on Broadway, drive a Thunderbird, and I would marry my dream guy.

Some things haven't changed since I was a little girl. I still love Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. I still organize obsessively. I still sing and dance around my house.

But some things shifted with age. The Thunderbird was discontinued in 2005. I nixed my Broadway aspirations shortly after entering college. And I'm a long way from marriage.

But I can't complain. Life is good. 

Since starting my online dating shenanigans in March, I've gone on 16 first dates.

I've gone on four second dates.

I started and ended two pseudo-relationships.

And now I'm happy to say, I'm starting a third. Do you believe in the power of three? Maybe it's just the sorority girl in me, but I do.

I'm feeling good about turning 28. I still get carded everywhere I go. I have a great set of family and friends. I love my job. I have a dog that mostly loves me unconditionally. I'm (hopefully) about to get a new car. And I started a new romance...

Here's hoping the world doesn't end!

And, I'll give you one guess who this card is from...

What is a Grouper?

The following story is about a new adventure in dating, "Grouper." Though this is a true story, the names have been changed to protect their identity. Credit for the names goes to my amazing girlfriends. Love you, bebes. 

So I got this call from my friend -- Angela Sexpot -- asking if I'll be her wing for this dating thing called "Grouper." What the hell is a Grouper? I had no idea. Here's the gist...

Girl signs up, and gives some chick access to her Facebook, and they stalk the hell out of her until they find a guy they think she'll want to bone date. They pick a time and place, and set up the arrangements. Girl invites 2 single girlfriends. Boy invites 2 single guys. Everyone pays $20 and meets at the bar for their first point of contact.
Happiness, or awkwardness ensues.

You might be thinking...wait a minute. Did I miss an entry? I thought things were going well with Ron Swanson? This is true. But Angela Sexpot invited me before I had met him. I figured I might as well go, hang out with some of my best friends, and have a good story for the blog. (And yes, Ron Swanson knew I went.)

Angela Sexpot picked me up with Bebe Genuine and we pound a warm-up drink before heading to The Corner Door, a little restaurant bar local to my hood. We got there on time, but the guys were not there yet. The manager instantly recognized that we were a group of three chicks and asked if we were there for the Grouper. We order our first drinks, which are included with the $20 fee. The boys were fifteen minutes late before we started planning if we could use their drinks to get a free second round. And then a group of guys walked in... Bebe Genuine's face dropped. Let's just say, they were not cute. And thankfully, not there for us.

Our groupers walked in shortly after, apologizing for their tardiness. They weren't bad looking, either. Chatty Cathy, their leader, got right in and never stopped talking...both to Angela Sexpot and Bebe Genuine. I was sitting next to Miley Cyrus Hair Guy, a surfer from San Diego. We talked about Australia, since he'd lived there for a while. Across from me sat The Wet Sock. He was cute, but SO boring. The boys suggested we go to another bar for a second round...I was hesitant, but decided to take one for the team and go! It's a Monday! Why not get drunk?

On the way there, us girls decided Bebe Genuine would take Chatty Cathy (who was three years younger than us, by the way. What the hell? He knew our friend's little sister). Angela Sexpot would go for Miley Cyrus Hair Guy, and I would happily entertain The Wet Sock. I had all kinds of crazy girl questions prepped. 

The boys clearly made a plan, too, because once we got there...the lines were drawn. I tried asking The Wet Sock every dumb question I could think of like,
"What's your favorite Madonna song?" But he didn't bite. In fact, he got up from the table and moved to the other side, closer to Angela. Rude! Miley Cyrus Hair Guy gave me a lot of attention...Uh oh. He bought me a beer. I think he even tried to grab my hair. Uh oh. The girls and I agreed that the bar was FULL of hot hipster guys, and we were with none of them. Fail. Eventually we ended the night, and laughed our whole way home.

Moral of the story: I'm sure Grouper is a great idea. Go out with your friends? Score! But I don't think I'm a fan. I don't like the idea of "competing" with my girlfriends...let's see who wants to talk to us! It's kinda odd. The best part of the night was laughing with my girls. And getting free drinks from guys we never had to talk to again. We win!

The "that didn't suck so let's do it again" Kiss

First dates are hard. You just never know what's going to happen. But if you're lucky and it goes well, I think there should be a first kiss involved.

I was thinking about my recent first kisses. It's funny how in all the movies, the guy is walking her up to her door when the magical first kiss moment happens. But with online dating, I can't show him where I live too soon, so all my first kisses happen outside my car...in some romantical parking lot.

Unlike my traumatic surprise-attack from Dick Downer, my first kiss with Ron Swanson was pretty good. After a couple easy kisses we both pulled back...

But then he pulled me back in for the real deal. It's like you have to test out if it's horrible or pleasant, and THEN decide if you should really put forth some real effort.

Sometimes I love being a girl. Happy 3-day weekend to my single peeps...and the not single ones, too (I guess). 

Election Date

It's a little risky to go on a first date on Election Day. I didn't know if Ron Swanson also thought it was odd, but I went for it anyway. But he could be crazy conservative and bring up politics and we could start fighting. Or worse, Romney could win. What's the worst that could happen?

First impression: He's cute. Kinda scruffy (and kinda hairy) with pretty eyes and a big smile. He was wearing a red flannel, perfectly fitting for his Ron Swanson name. He opened the door for me. And then he tested me: "So, this place is beer and wine only." That's ok. I drink beer. (I passed)

We found some seats at one of the communal tables at The Tripel and he took the lead suggesting we split a few things. We have a very similar sense of dorky humor. I tried to remember more details about him, but when I went online to check his profile again before our date (to study) I noticed he deleted his account. Without me asking, he mentioned he's new to the site and got creeped out by some girl he didn't reply to that was checking his profile every day. Sounds about right. But damn....where is he from again? What does he do? How old is he?? Crap.

He's from Florida. When I asked why he moved out here, he said he wanted to work for Pixar...which is interesting since I wanted be a Disney Princess but they stopped making musicals. Lame. Also, he moved out here with a girl....HIS WIFE. His EX-wife. Deep breaths. I am actually okay with a divorcee. As my girl Patti Stanger would say, it's a sign that he's willing to commit. But as my mom would say..."as long as he's ACTUALLY divorced." Good points. 

Half way through the date and I was feeling pretty positive about him. We laughed a lot, and I accidentally flung my fork across the table. Typical. Then President Obama was predicted to be re-elected. I looked at him and asked, "are you happy or sad?" We were both happy. Phew. 

The bill came and he pulled out the credit card, no question. I did not offer to pay. Unfortunately for him, the waitress came back....DECLINED. This is awkward. He used a different card, and I could tell he was embarrassed. We left and he walked me back to the lot. I made him guess which car was mine and he said it would be very weird if I drove a cougar because that was his first car. I think that means I passed that test, too. As we said goodbye, he leaned in and I let him kiss me.

When I got home, he texted me that he had a really great time and wanted to see me again. He also made it a point to mention that his credit card number had been compromised, according to his bank. That's kinda cute. He didn't even realize I stole his identity when he went to the bathroom....muahahaha...just kidding.

My new favorite game on OKCupid

In case you've been paying attention to my snapshots of dating profiles, I deleted my POF account and decided to explore OKCupid. (And yes I'm still too cheap for the paid sites. If you think I should be on there, you should sponsor my membership.) I grew tired of seeing The Busy Builder's face pop up in my searches, and I don't think I even wrote about the time he messaged me on there recently. Yup. We met on the site, and five months later he went out with his brother and thought it would be funny to message me, "hey baby ;)." Even I know he was on there to show his brother some other girls he was probably talking to. Ugh.

Anyway, I realized that on OKCupid you can search by keyword!

My new favorite game is searching for bands I love and looking for guys who have similar musical interests. No more Weezer please. In my search for guys who also like my favorite band, Local Natives, I came upon a guy whose username has to do with "Ron Swanson."

I decided to write him. Be bold. Geez, I really love Ron Swanson. He understands the simple things in life...like steak.

After a fair bit of banter, Ron Swanson asked to get drinks at a local bar. He quickly changed his mind and invited me to dinner...on Election Day.

Here's hoping Ron Swanson is a Democrat!

The Worst Second Date

A couple days after my date with The Speed Dater, he texted to say he had a great time and wanted to see me again. This took two weeks to happen, due to his work schedule. Just what I need...another workaholic.

He met me at Westside Tavern after for dinner and a movie on Saturday night. Unfortunately, the movie was sold out so he bought us tickets to see Perks of Being a Wallflower. We had FOUR HOURS to kill before it started. So he suggested we go across the street to Gyu-Kaku instead. The wait was a little long, so we walked next door to The Wellsbourne for a drink. Oh great. This just turned into the same date I took The Busy Builder on for our fourth date. We went up to the bar and he ordered...a DIET COKE. Wait, what?

Five minutes later, I changed his name to Dick Downer.
Things that Dick Downer is allergic to:

• cats
• dust
• ALCOHOL
• sun
• happiness
• fun

"But you can order a drink," he said. That's okay. If I wanted to drink alone, I'd be in my pj's watching SNL. We walked into the restaurant and he panicked: "Does it seem safe to eat here? It looks dirty." Ummm...I laughed. I thought he was joking. He ordered for us without even asking me what I like, then dismissed himself to go wash his hands. [First text to friends: "Oh god. He doesn't drink."] He came back traumatized. "The bathroom is right next to the kitchen...and I don't think they're very careful about all that raw meat." He proceeded to wipe down our table. I laughed, uncomfortably.

Over the next four hours, I learned a lot about Dick Downer. 

Things that Dick Downer hates:

• germs
• bars that have live music 
• spending money
• his job
• his co-workers
• Chrismas music
• Republicans (yup, he talked politics on a second date)
• costumes
• his high school friends

This guy probably hates blowjobs and rainbows, too...

We finally made it over to the movie theater, and I snuck away to the bathroom. [Second text to sister: "Wish I was with you. This date is bleh."] The moment we sat down, he lifted the armrest and reached for my hand. Interesting, since we had no prior physical contact. The movie started and well...it isn't exactly a romantic comedy. I won't spoil it, but you shouldn't see this film on a date. When the plot turned, he pulled his hand away. After the movie, Dick Downer added something to the list of things he hates: 

• Perks of Being a Wallflower

He complained about its lack of originality, then complained about the $8 parking fee, and then complained about the parking garage. Just when I felt relieved to make it back to my car, he surprise-attacked my face. HE ATE MY FACE. And just like that, he was gone...and I wiped the saliva off my face and raced home. 

This is why first dates should last longer than thirty minutes...

Please excuse my lack of enthusiasm.

I got an email after yesterday's post:

"Hey there. Sounds like you're getting pretty jaded with all the online dates. If you aren't feeling the butterflies anymore, maybe you should stop."

That's the third person to tell me I'm "jaded." I hate that stupid word.

jad·ed/ˈjādid/

 

Adjective:

Tired, bored, or lacking enthusiasm, typically after having had too much of something.

I wouldn't label myself as "jaded." Sure, I'm just as tired of being single as the next soon-to-be 28 year-old whose Facebook is filled with engagements, weddings, and pregnancy announcements. But I wouldn't say I've had too much of dating. It hasn't lost its appeal. Love is awesome.

I know what the butterflies feel like, I just don't expect them on a first date with someone I met online. You know that feeling you get when you meet someone interesting out in the real world? It's just not the same with online dating. The first date is more of a test...to see if you want to go on a real life date with them. You just want to be sure they look like what they said they look like, and screen them for the psycho-gene. It's not as organic as real life.

So, please excuse my lack of enthusiasm. My butterflies are still alive; they're just not getting their hopes up too soon.

However, if being "jaded" means I am Mila Kunis in the Aerosmith music video, I'm all in!

The Speed Dater

Another first date.

He seemed nice online. He acted very quickly, suggesting a coffee meet-up. I agreed. I arrived at the local Starbucks right on time. He paid for my pumpkin spice latte. That is possibly the most exciting part of the date. 

The Speed Dater must have prepared a list of questions:

"Tell me about..."

Next topic.

"Tell me about..."

Next topic.

"Tell me about..."

And then he checked his phone. The Speed Dater told me he was starving and needed to go so he could eat dinner. I was home within an hour.

Hmmm. Was it something I said? Think back to topics, Lindsay...Very typical conversations: music, traveling, Israel, work, family.

Maybe The Speed Dater was really hungry. Or maybe he wasn't into me. I won't hold my breath for his call.

Mmmm pumpkin spice latte. 

Ace a First Date: For Girls

Since Ace a First Date: For Guys has been a popular post, I figured it's only right we do a list for girls. I didn't want to write it from my perspective since clearly I am not an expert. My best single guy friend helped me put together a list of do's and don't's for the ladies!
Here are Pinata's tips for a great first date (with commentary by yours truly):

1. Don't check your phone; put it on silent. ~ Your work emails and texts to friends can wait a couple hours. Lindsay says: it's okay to check and update your friends when he goes to the bathroom...just don't get caught!
2. Don't talk about your exes. ~ This should be self-explanatory, but why do girls always do it? Guys don't care. Lindsay says: resist resist resist the urge to talk about "...this one time, my ex and I..." I think very often we jump back in the saddle right after a break-up (unlike guys who seem to wait FOREVER) so it happens to be fresh in our mind and hearts. 
3. Be cute, but not slutty. ~ Lindsay asks: How should a girl dress on the first date? Guys are always so casual. Pinata says: Not overly trendy...show some skin, but leave some mystery. "Get the gears turning, but don't show what's under the hood!"
4. Don't be picky when ordering. ~ You don't want to seem indecisive or high maintenance. And yes, it's okay to actually eat more than a salad.
5. Don't get drunk. ~ Pinata recommends 2-8 drinks, Lindsay says: Eight drinks?!? WTF? I'd be on the floor. (He was joking.)
6. Be engaged. ~ Ask questions. Try not to just answer his questions and ask, "what about you?" Be creative.
7. Laugh at jokes and smile a lot. ~ Lindsay says: I am so good at that! Wait, why don't I have a boyfriend?
8. If you talk about something you both like, suggest you do it together. ~ This shows the guy that you are interested in seeing him again, and you want to create a personal, special memory.
9. At least offer to pay for your portion. ~ It gives the guy an opportunity to be the man, say thank you, and let you know they've got it. Lindsay says: Bleh. I disagree. Maybe that's why I'm single.
10. Appear kissable. ~ We both agree that if you like someone, the first kiss should happen on the first date. Stay close so the guy knows you want to be kissed. Face him; give the opportunity. Fumble the keys, Hitch-style.

What do you think, people?

I'm too competitive.

This is why I don't play sports. I am generally not good at them, and I HATE being bad at them.

Please don't ask me to participate in any of the following activities during a date:

• Mini-golf ~ I will throw my club at you if I don't make it into the clown's mouth.
• Video games ~ Seriously, I hate them. Play on your own time. If I show up at your house and you invite me to sit and play, the date (and our relationship) is officially over.
• Batting cages ~ I will hurt myself...and then you.
• Go Karts ~ I hate driving.
• Trivia ~ I know it's not a sport, but it's still competitive...and I suck. 

The one exception is drunk bowling. It may be a sport, and I may suck at it....but I see you are checking out my ass as I approach the lane. Good boy.

Ace a First Date: For Guys

After my latest string of first dates, I thought it might be time to spell it out for the guys out there. Here are my tips for a great first date:

1. You pick the location. ~ Make it somewhere convenient for her, but also somewhere you are familiar with. Girls like to learn, so maybe somewhere interactive, or a place where you know "the best cocktail the bartender makes" or "the chef's specialty."
2. Call (I did not say text!) to confirm the day before. ~ She'll be impressed, trust me. Texting isn't enough for before a first date. She needs to hear you are excited in order to also feel excited.
3. Open doors. ~ It may seem simple, but you'd be surprised how many times it doesn't happen. Chivalry is not dead, people!
4. Be romantical (okay that's not a real word, but I love it), without over-doing it. ~ First dates are hard. Especially if it's a blind first date. But make sure it feels like a date, not drinks with a friend. Sit closer to her. Find a way to let your hands or legs "accidentally" brush against hers. If she likes you, she will respond. But don't choose an overly romantic setting or a super expensive restaurant. Only bad can come of it: a) she'll be uncomfortable or b) she'll expect a $200 dinner every time you take her out!
5. LISTEN. ~ Fucking hell, just try. Make eye contact. Engage. Nod your head. Stop staring at her boobs and wondering what she looks like naked.
6. Have fun! ~ I love to laugh. If the date is fun, but lacking some of the other nine items I've listed here, I'll most likely give him a second chance date.
7. PAY. ~ When you're officially a couple, you will spoil each other, but until then...it's your wallet. Don't even put her in the uncomfortable state of wondering if she'll have to pay. And don't let her see the bill. That's douchey.
8. Offer to walk her to her car. ~ She may or may not say yes, but it's the right thing to do.
9. If you want to see her again, tell her. ~ If you're too nervous to say it in person as the date is ending, you should definitely include it in your follow-up text. My most recent date had the perfect example of a follow-up text: "Hey, I had a great time last night! [Insert joke referencing something we talked about on the date.]" The joke shows he was LISTENING. Good boy!
10. Stop it with the three day rule. ~ We hate that shit.

Is it weird that I'm kind of hesitant to post this, knowing some of the guys I've dated will now use my advice to woo other girls? Typical Lindsay.

Guys with Accents

I'm such a sucker. Aren't we all?

But after my first date with The Southern Gentleman, I'm not sure I can date a guy with one...again. Maybe it's an actor thing, but whenever I'm around someone with an accent I start taking it on. I'm a chameleon! 

The longer I sat with him, the harder it was for me to stop myself from saying "ya'll." Bad enough that I just returned from a visit with my family in Chicago. My accent is so confused! I don't know who I am anymore!

Sorry, Southern Gentleman. It's not going to work out. Also, I would have expected a man from North Carolina to open doors and walk me to my car. And not be 10 minutes late. 

photo courtesy of zazzle.com

How awesome...for you.

I lined up three different first dates. Some people accuse me of doing it for blog material, but truly I am a romantic. I want to fall in love. It just hasn't happened in a while, and I might as well go out and try to meet people. Also, I officially gave up on The Busy Builder. I've gotten a lot of messages from people rooting for that to work out, but the truth is...you can't MAKE someone like you.

I need some distraction, don't you think? And I actually got a little excited about Bachelor #2, a Jewish lawyer who wrote that he was six feet tall, and I actually believed it! We had a nice little phone conversation about a week before our date, and I felt like he and I would get along well.

The day before the date, the details hadn't been decided and my OCD planning anxiety took over. I texted him to see if we were still on. He called me right back. The Amateur seemed very cheery on the phone and then, "So I know we were set to go out tomorrow, but...I MET SOMEONE!"

Oh, ok well cool. Good for you. He went on and on (and on and on) about meeting this great girl, and how he didn't think it was fair to her or me if he went out with me. Amateur. Let's do the math here. We've been talking for approximately 1.5 weeks. That means he met this girl within 10 days...and he's already limiting his options?? Amateur!

I was happy for him, and told him I understood. But he didn't stop there. He proceeded to give me dating advice. He said he didn't have much luck on dating sites. He suggested I go out to some of those singles mixers (the Jewy ones) since apparently that's where he met Miss Perfect. Thanks a lot, pal. 

Welp, I got rejected before he even met me. That's a first.

The Girl with One Eye

I woke up from a very drunken Saturday night with my makeup still on. Fuck. And why can't I see properly?? I'm missing a contact. Seriously, Lindsay? Get your shit together. I stumbled into my bathroom and reached in the box where I keep my contact lenses. Empty.

Ever since The TJ's Guy told me my glasses were funny, I haven't worn them in public.
More importantly, I had a date that night. I definitely couldn't wear my glasses on the date, so I grabbed my prescription and ran to Lenscrafters. You've never seen a more sad face than the one I gave the salesclerk when he told my contacts were "special order only."

I nearly cancelled my date, but I knew it would come off as a super lame excuse. So I did what any girl would do: I drove to the date with my glasses on, parked my car, changed into my ONE contact, and went to my date.
...What? Normal girls don't do shit like that? I don't believe you.

The Writer was a nice, Jewish guy. I didn't feel any chemistry between us, but I still had a good time. Even with one blurry eye. He moved to LA to make it in the entertainment industry, which is generally a turnoff for me. We talked about writing and I mentioned how much I love it, but that I've only dabbled in blogging. I even told him I used to blog about restaurant life. At the end of the date, I knew he was interested. He asked about a second date, and I didn't say no. I figured I could give it a second chance. I walked to my car, put on my glasses, and drove home.

Little did I know the HUGE mistake I'd made...

My Date with a Pro

No, you guys. I did not solicit a prostitute. Times are tough, but they're never that tough.

I believe that the best way to get over someone is to crush on someone else. So I got my butt back online and responded to a message from a guy who seemed nice. I couldn't tell if I was attracted in photos, so I figured we should just meet and decide then.

The Pro invited me out on a Friday night to a cool little gastropub near my house. I put on my big girl heels and met him outside the bar area, which was packed. He was a little guy, but his smile kept me attracted. We decided to venture somewhere else since the bar was so full (Guys, you should really plan for that situation) and walked to another nearby spot, which was also standing room only. Shocking. It's Friday night. We walked a little bit farther to one more restaurant, and decided to stick it out and get drinks while we hovered for seats.

Our conversations were pretty smooth until he asked me about my experience on the site. I told him I'd been on more than one date with two different guys. He replied that he's been on JDate (not the site we met on) for TEN years. Wait...what?

RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG!

Apparently, his Jewish mother suggested he join and he's been on there ever since. He considers himself something of an online dating professional. Umm...but he's only been on a couple second dates...EVER. I'm sure he saw the shock on my face; I couldn't hold it back. "No relationships have ever come from your online experiences in ten years? And wait, you're 32...so you've been on there since college?" 

Check please!

At least my cocktail was delicious...I went home at about 10pm that night only to receive a text from The Busy Builder minutes later. Oh, fuck my life.

Interview with a Married Man

I've mentioned before that my dating mentor happens to be a guy...one I've known for seven years now. Geez, Married Man, you're fucking old. We became friends through one of my lovely exes, and I even watched as he became Mr. Married Man. I'm still not sure how he got Mrs. Married Man to say "I do"...But he's a great combo of asshole and gentleman. I've gotten a few dating questions from readers since starting this blog, and my response is always, 

"Are you reading this thing? I'm terrible at dating!" Naturally, I looked to Married Man for guidance. Here is how it went:

Lindsay: Okay, I'm going on a lot of first dates...What’s the worst thing a girl can do on a first date?
MM: For a girl, it’s being too aggressive. If you’re trying to impress a guy, the best way to find a good guy is to force him to slow down.  If it’s the right guy, he’ll take the time to wait.  Also, stay away from any kind of conversation about sex or anything sexual.  But, but, but...
You want to attract the guy and give him some slight touches throughout the night to let him know you’re interested, but don’t go too far.

What’s the best thing?
For a guy, I’m a firm believer that doing the chivalrous things (opening doors, paying for the food, offering to give her a ride home, etc) are usually the best. Also, make sure you actually listen to what the girl is saying.  It sounds easy to do, but so many people do it wrong. The better you really listen to her, the better off you’ll be. For girls, listening to what the guy says and acting engaged in what he says will always help. I’d also say (and this kind of goes against what I just said), giving a guy a challenge gets to the heart of most guys. We think we are pretty awesome, so if you listen but don’t act like we're the greatest thing since sliced bread or give into requests for physical contact on the first date, most guys will be at least interested. Ugh it's so confusing.

How many guys can a girl date at once, and for how long?
That really just depends on the girl. When I was single, I could rarely date more than one girl at a time and if I did, the girls always knew that I was. Generally, one person starts to win out and becomes preferred unless it’s just about sex. Guys HATE being unimportant, so a girl will probably be less successful at dating multiple people. But imagine with online dating, it takes a little longer to know if you really like someone. Yeah, well I'd still say you have about a month from your first face-to-face meeting to figure it out.

I try really hard not to be a crazy girl. Who do you think are crazier in relationships? Girls or guys?
Girls are definitely crazier because nearly everything holds meaning to you. I once heard relationships described as one person chasing the other at one point or another. Not so much physically chasing, but in their mind thinking that they need to do more to impress the other. The person that is doing the chasing is nearly always the person that is crazier. That, to me, is huge in every relationship because the moment neither one is chasing the other is the moment that a lot of the passion disappears. I think the only relationships that ever become official for me, resulted because I was the one being chased. I'm a bad hunter.

So, how do you get past the casual dating to being boyfriend/girlfriend without scaring someone off?
With a lot of the girls I dated, we never became “official” until a good six months into dating because I’m not all that comfortable with titles. Really I just think its a conversation to have after a decent amount of time dating (at least a month).

And how do you feel about being Facebook Official?
I think being Facebook official is stupid. It makes no difference what your Facebook says as long as you know. If you’re posting to each other’s wall and having fun that way, everyone already knows. They’re stalking you, too...remember? Making it Facebook official just adds an extra level of pressure that most of us don’t need anyways. That's why I'm engaged to a girl on there! However, if you’re getting married, I’d say change your status IMMEDIATELY!

I feel like there is still a double standard for girls in the dating world... Am I a slut?
I don’t believe in the double standard, but overall women are expected to be “less experienced” than the guys that they are with. But I’m wondering, “Who are the guys having sex with if girls aren’t supposed to have sex??” To me, it’s all about doing what makes you feel comfortable. I do believe that there are times when we can get too focused on sex and need to pull back to really focus on what we want in someone.

If you went on a date with me and then later found out about Every Single Day, would you still like me?
A blog shouldn’t make any self respecting guy stop dating a girl. You’re not using names, just your own personal descriptions of the guys. Any guy scared of that needs to grow a pair, man up and start behaving.

What kind of guy would you like to see me date?
A guy who is mature and willing to put you first. Don’t waste time with someone who won’t put you first. Easier said than done! I always think that's temporary. There are tons of good guys out there; you’re just looking in the wrong places. Stop going to bars to meet guys. I was one of those guys, and none of them were looking for their future wife.

How did you know Mrs. Married Man was “the one?”
I don’t remember the actual moment, but I just remember sitting there one day driving over to her place and thought to myself, this is the girl I’m going to marry. She didn’t know it yet, but I definitely did. Her moment came a couple weeks later when I was helping her make up her bed. Sometimes its those weird little innocuous things that change someone’s mind and move someone to that “one” level.

Any parting advice for the single guys out there reading my blog?
Treat every girl like you would treat your mom. Value her opinion the way you would your mom. Listen to her the way you would your mom. Open the door and take care of her the way you would your mom. Not every girl will cherish it the same way, but it’ll help you move your way through the wrong girls quicker.

A girl's gotta eat!

Having a crush may be the greatest thing ever. I knew right off the bat that I really enjoyed talking to and spending time with The Busy Builder, but I didn't want to limit myself since I had been messaging another guy online before I met him. I agreed to a Friday Happy Hour at one of my favorite spots in Culver City for Mexican food and margaritas.

He was early, and I was a little late. As I approached the restaurant, I saw a nerdy looking hipster sitting solo on the patio. I took a deep breath, and said hi. The girls at the table next to us instantly noticed that this was a first date, and I felt a little embarrassed to be there with him. I can already tell I'm not attracted. Nerdy Hipster was a Missouri transplant, and worked as a bitch assistant writer on a cartoon that he admitted to being terrible. In fact, it seems as though he hates his job...and life in general. Sounds wonderful. 

I knew I liked The Busy Builder more, but we'd had a massacre at work that day, so I decided to go with it and get some free margaritas...and chips and guacamole...and a full plate of tacos. Don't judge me! I didn't care if this guy thought I was ladylike, so I practically licked my plate clean. I can't even remember what we talked about, but the food was awesome. He got up to use the restroom and I seriously contemplated getting up and leaving. After we finished eating, he asked if I wanted to head to one of the bars in the area for another drink. I told him I was too tired from the crazy work week, and wanted to get home.

We walked toward the parking structure past one of my favorite hidden little bars, and I noticed the bartender outside on a smoke break. Nerdy Hipster offered to walk me up to my car. "That's nice, but I'm good. Thank you for dinner!" 

I hope that bartender didn't recognize me from my Tuesday Date there with The Busy Builder...And shit, I'm wearing the exact same outfit. The bartender thinks I'm a whore.

P.S. Nerdy Hipster called me the next day to ask me on a second date. Apparently guys are into chicks who eat. Who knew!

Text Me, Maybe?

A cute guy messaged me. Geez I really needed that. We messaged online a fair bit, and I was pleasantly surprised with our conversations. His "game" was to send three random facts about each other. I actually thought this was really fun and spontaneous, and it definitely helped spark conversations about each other's lives. But uh oh...he was home-schooled. Yikes. That must be why he's single.

He asked me to hang out on a Saturday night, which happened to be the day of a big fundraising event for work...but I agreed anyway. I was excited about this one. And I know he was, too....because he drunk-texted me on Friday night while out with friends. I worked until the afternoon and came home for a much needed power nap, but we hadn't really finalized plans and I hadn't heard from him since 3pm. Is he blowing me off? Eventually I sent some sort of text wondering what was going on, and he instantly called me. According to him, I wasn't getting any of the messages he'd been sending me. Suuuuuuuuuure. We met in Culver City for burgers and beer. I wore my brand new shoes...

I know.

It was a fun date. I felt really comfortable around him, but also wanted to jump his bones. It's a good combo. We laughed about the failed messages, and I decided he wasn't as socially awkward as I'd expect a home-schooled kid to be. He said he hated first dates, and wished he could skip to the third date where it's less awkward. I rolled my eyes and without thinking asked if that's because that's when you "get it in?" Oh god. Word Vomit. My dating mentor (a dude, btw) always tells not to say anything sexual on a first date. Oops. He was caught off-guard, but I don't think I fully scared him off. Phew.

As he walked me back to my car, I really hoped he'd kiss me. But instead I got a hug next to my car as we stood and joked about his phone still not sending messages. I grabbed and it did a good ol' battery pull...magic. It works now. And instantly the texts he'd been sending came flooding in. Okay, he wasn't lying. And then he kissed me. In the Culver City parking structure. And it was great. Hello, Busy Builder...

Backpack Guy

I took a trip to San Francisco to visit a bunch of friends in the area, and stayed with my stepsister. Not an hour into my weekend there, my stepsister tells me she wants to send me on a blind date while I'm visiting. Really? I'm here for two days! Apparently she had gone out with a nice, Jewish guy there and had no chemistry but thought he might be great for me.

True to my word that I'm pretty open to being fixed up, I figured why not. She arranged for us to meet on Sunday evening for drinks. He met us after dinner and she went back home after the initial introduction. As I walked outside the restaurant to meet him, I took note of my blouse and boots and saw he was wearing....

a backpack.

He was also wearing a sweatshirt...on a blind date. I'm clearly overdressed, but aren't we going to a bar? And why does he need a backpack, anyway? What's in there?? Instead of drinks, he asked if we could go to a coffee shop. Sure, why not? He ordered a hot cider and I ordered some tea. We talked for a little bit, but he was giving me every signal that he wasn't interested.

• "I'm really focused on work right now"
• "All my friends live on the east coast, so I'll probably move back there"
• And did I mention he had his backpack with him??

After about thirty minutes, he looked at his watch and told me he really had to get back to work...on a Sunday night at 8:30pm. We walked outside the coffee shop to say goodbye. When I told him I planned to walk fifteen minutes back to my stepsister's house, he did not offer to walk me or pay my cab fare. Oh well...it was a really nice walk.

P.S. My stepsister was embarrassed about the way he handled the date...she agreed that the backpack was an odd choice of accessory.

Beverly Hills Beard

I took a couple weeks off after I got "dumped" by Sandwich Guy. And you know what I did? I ordered my own sandwiches. And I ate them...ALL BY MYSELF. I fell victim to another one of my bad habits...

Ice Cream. You motherfucker.

When am I going to meet a guy I like? Online dating is stupid.
Oh okay, I'll just login and check my messages...Ooh a Jew! 

I responded to the Beverly Hills Jew simply out of loneliness. I was pretty sure he was too short, and I hate when guys post a picture of their expensive car. You're SO cool. This guy was obviously rich. We messaged a little, and  he invited me out on a Friday night to a rooftop bar in Beverly Hills. Money makes me slightly uncomfortable, so I was very nervous as I approached the valet. The elevator door opened and yup, he's 5'6" not 5'9". Why do guys always go with 5'9"? He instantly told me the bar was "too crowded" and asked if I would mind if we went somewhere else...

Five blocks later we ended up at a boutique hotel, in a bar area completely ALONE. I ordered a glass of wine, and I already knew it's the only drink I'd be having. He used the Valley Girl filler "like" more than I do. We have nothing in common, and he seems a little bit too polished and dare I say, flamboyant? He ordered a moscow mule. I sat with my legs crossed so far away from him, and he leaned in to take a sip of his drink...

...through the straw

...with his pinky up.

I know what's happening here. His Jewish Mother is yearning for some Jewish Babies. And he doesn't know how to tell her...He's gay. I started implementing my favorite "get rid of a guy" tactic: disagreeing with EVERYTHING he said. One drink and we were heading back to the valet, where I assumed we both parked at the super fancy hotel he invited me to. But no. About a block away from the hotel, he stops and points at his car parked on the street and says, "Well, this is me." Seriously? Mr. Moneybags wouldn't shell out $8 to valet his luxury car? 

Needless to say he didn't offer to walk me back or pay for my valet. Go home to your mommy.