We need to talk...

Dear Readers,

We need to talk. When we first started this thing, I posted every day. I was so dedicated to making you happy...attending to your every need. I showered you with gifts of wonderfully pathetic, yet hilarious stories. And in return, you left encouraging comments and showed empathy to my plight. We have been through so much together. There's been a lot of excitement, some great (and sometimes awkward) sex, and all the usual ups and downs.

I feel like I have been distant lately. I'm not showing you the attention you deserve. Sometimes I want to post, but I'm distracted with other things. And sometimes, I just avoid you completely. It's nothing you did. You've been a great group of readers. Really. It's not you; it's me. 

So, it is with great bitter-sweetness that I say, I'm breaking up with you...my readers.

I'm just going to be honest, because you deserve that. There's someone else. Most nights when I should be home thinking of you, I'm out doing fun activities with him. You deserve so much better than what I can give you right now. You don't really want to hear about the awesome birthday present I got, or how cute it is that we both got each other eight Hanukkah presents in honor of his first celebration of this holiday...do you? I didn't think so. 

I might come back to you one day. Maybe I'm making a mistake, but I just have to follow my heart right now. I hope you understand.

I'll always cherish our memories together over the last five months. Our relationship was short, but passionate. I hope we can still be friends.

Take care,

Lindsay

I am 28 years old.

On Monday, I turned 28.

When I was little, I thought this was the age for magic. I thought I'd be starring on Broadway, drive a Thunderbird, and I would marry my dream guy.

Some things haven't changed since I was a little girl. I still love Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. I still organize obsessively. I still sing and dance around my house.

But some things shifted with age. The Thunderbird was discontinued in 2005. I nixed my Broadway aspirations shortly after entering college. And I'm a long way from marriage.

But I can't complain. Life is good. 

Since starting my online dating shenanigans in March, I've gone on 16 first dates.

I've gone on four second dates.

I started and ended two pseudo-relationships.

And now I'm happy to say, I'm starting a third. Do you believe in the power of three? Maybe it's just the sorority girl in me, but I do.

I'm feeling good about turning 28. I still get carded everywhere I go. I have a great set of family and friends. I love my job. I have a dog that mostly loves me unconditionally. I'm (hopefully) about to get a new car. And I started a new romance...

Here's hoping the world doesn't end!

And, I'll give you one guess who this card is from...

What is a Grouper?

The following story is about a new adventure in dating, "Grouper." Though this is a true story, the names have been changed to protect their identity. Credit for the names goes to my amazing girlfriends. Love you, bebes. 

So I got this call from my friend -- Angela Sexpot -- asking if I'll be her wing for this dating thing called "Grouper." What the hell is a Grouper? I had no idea. Here's the gist...

Girl signs up, and gives some chick access to her Facebook, and they stalk the hell out of her until they find a guy they think she'll want to bone date. They pick a time and place, and set up the arrangements. Girl invites 2 single girlfriends. Boy invites 2 single guys. Everyone pays $20 and meets at the bar for their first point of contact.
Happiness, or awkwardness ensues.

You might be thinking...wait a minute. Did I miss an entry? I thought things were going well with Ron Swanson? This is true. But Angela Sexpot invited me before I had met him. I figured I might as well go, hang out with some of my best friends, and have a good story for the blog. (And yes, Ron Swanson knew I went.)

Angela Sexpot picked me up with Bebe Genuine and we pound a warm-up drink before heading to The Corner Door, a little restaurant bar local to my hood. We got there on time, but the guys were not there yet. The manager instantly recognized that we were a group of three chicks and asked if we were there for the Grouper. We order our first drinks, which are included with the $20 fee. The boys were fifteen minutes late before we started planning if we could use their drinks to get a free second round. And then a group of guys walked in... Bebe Genuine's face dropped. Let's just say, they were not cute. And thankfully, not there for us.

Our groupers walked in shortly after, apologizing for their tardiness. They weren't bad looking, either. Chatty Cathy, their leader, got right in and never stopped talking...both to Angela Sexpot and Bebe Genuine. I was sitting next to Miley Cyrus Hair Guy, a surfer from San Diego. We talked about Australia, since he'd lived there for a while. Across from me sat The Wet Sock. He was cute, but SO boring. The boys suggested we go to another bar for a second round...I was hesitant, but decided to take one for the team and go! It's a Monday! Why not get drunk?

On the way there, us girls decided Bebe Genuine would take Chatty Cathy (who was three years younger than us, by the way. What the hell? He knew our friend's little sister). Angela Sexpot would go for Miley Cyrus Hair Guy, and I would happily entertain The Wet Sock. I had all kinds of crazy girl questions prepped. 

The boys clearly made a plan, too, because once we got there...the lines were drawn. I tried asking The Wet Sock every dumb question I could think of like,
"What's your favorite Madonna song?" But he didn't bite. In fact, he got up from the table and moved to the other side, closer to Angela. Rude! Miley Cyrus Hair Guy gave me a lot of attention...Uh oh. He bought me a beer. I think he even tried to grab my hair. Uh oh. The girls and I agreed that the bar was FULL of hot hipster guys, and we were with none of them. Fail. Eventually we ended the night, and laughed our whole way home.

Moral of the story: I'm sure Grouper is a great idea. Go out with your friends? Score! But I don't think I'm a fan. I don't like the idea of "competing" with my girlfriends...let's see who wants to talk to us! It's kinda odd. The best part of the night was laughing with my girls. And getting free drinks from guys we never had to talk to again. We win!

My new favorite game on OKCupid

In case you've been paying attention to my snapshots of dating profiles, I deleted my POF account and decided to explore OKCupid. (And yes I'm still too cheap for the paid sites. If you think I should be on there, you should sponsor my membership.) I grew tired of seeing The Busy Builder's face pop up in my searches, and I don't think I even wrote about the time he messaged me on there recently. Yup. We met on the site, and five months later he went out with his brother and thought it would be funny to message me, "hey baby ;)." Even I know he was on there to show his brother some other girls he was probably talking to. Ugh.

Anyway, I realized that on OKCupid you can search by keyword!

My new favorite game is searching for bands I love and looking for guys who have similar musical interests. No more Weezer please. In my search for guys who also like my favorite band, Local Natives, I came upon a guy whose username has to do with "Ron Swanson."

I decided to write him. Be bold. Geez, I really love Ron Swanson. He understands the simple things in life...like steak.

After a fair bit of banter, Ron Swanson asked to get drinks at a local bar. He quickly changed his mind and invited me to dinner...on Election Day.

Here's hoping Ron Swanson is a Democrat!

Spring Forward, Fall Back

I spent my extra hour...blogging.

The season changed, and my summer romance officially ended. In fact, I closed the door on everyone I'd been in contact with:

The Aussie
The Over-Texter
The Not-So-Tall Guy
The Busy Builder

After I posted my "Takin It Back, Tuesdays" about The Aussie (and he confessed he knew about the blog all along), we decided it's better when we don't have contact with each other. This might be the first time neither one of us has the other's phone number. It's for the best.

The Over-Texter was umm...texting me too much. So I politely told him I was interested. He said ok.

I was a complete dick to the Not-So-Tall Guy. Ugh. I feel so badly about how it all went down, but I pretty much just pulled a disappearing act. I should have told him a long, long time ago that I just didn't have romantical feelings for him.

And now I'll say what many who read this already know...I'd still be seeing The Busy Builder all summer. We started hanging out about once a week, and I started to think the feelings were strong for both of us. But I was wrong. I'd been having all kinds of anxiety, wanting to tell him how I felt. And then he dressed as an online dating profile for Halloween. I put my heart out there, though via text. I wanted to be included in his world, meet his friends, be more than the girl he hung out with out of laziness at the end of a night. I told him I was ready to shut down this blog and delete my dating profile because I only wanted to hang out with him. But he didn't want that. So that's that.

While part of me has been sad, feeling like I did last November when The Aussie and I ended our relationship, the other part feels relieved. I'm too awesome to settle for only a little attention and consideration. Time for a new season!

Just me and this guy again...

The Over-Texter

Remember Sarcastic Profile Guy from Monday's post? I gave him my number.

BIG MISTAKE.

I know he thinks it's the girls who are totally crazy, but I think it might be him. He's texting me WAY too much. It's annoying. There has to be balance, people!

There are so many things that are wrong about this "conversation." 

• The first text was at 9:45am, fifteen minutes after I got to work. Too early to text if I don't really know you.
• "Good to meet up tomorrow?" is NOT asking a girl out on a first date. That's why I didn't reply.
• But he didn't give up. 10am is a little better than 9:45am.
• Yup, I still didn't reply.

This is why he's 34 and single. 

Please excuse my lack of enthusiasm.

I got an email after yesterday's post:

"Hey there. Sounds like you're getting pretty jaded with all the online dates. If you aren't feeling the butterflies anymore, maybe you should stop."

That's the third person to tell me I'm "jaded." I hate that stupid word.

jad·ed/ˈjādid/

 

Adjective:

Tired, bored, or lacking enthusiasm, typically after having had too much of something.

I wouldn't label myself as "jaded." Sure, I'm just as tired of being single as the next soon-to-be 28 year-old whose Facebook is filled with engagements, weddings, and pregnancy announcements. But I wouldn't say I've had too much of dating. It hasn't lost its appeal. Love is awesome.

I know what the butterflies feel like, I just don't expect them on a first date with someone I met online. You know that feeling you get when you meet someone interesting out in the real world? It's just not the same with online dating. The first date is more of a test...to see if you want to go on a real life date with them. You just want to be sure they look like what they said they look like, and screen them for the psycho-gene. It's not as organic as real life.

So, please excuse my lack of enthusiasm. My butterflies are still alive; they're just not getting their hopes up too soon.

However, if being "jaded" means I am Mila Kunis in the Aerosmith music video, I'm all in!

Best Time to be Online

Ladies, I have just discovered the best time to be "online" on a dating site: Sunday afternoon. 

It's football season. So what are all the guys I don't want to date doing? Watching football. Maybe it's because I grew up in LA, but frankly I don't care at all about this sport. I'm sure tailgating is fun, and I'll be a good sport and go to a bar to watch a game...but you should know I'm only attending either for the beer.

It's also the day after Saturday. Yes I know that's obvious. But I mean it's the day after Saturday NIGHT. A lot of people, including me, are so fucking a little bit hungover that they are just enjoying their couch and catching up on their DVR on this fine afternoon. All the time in the world to be online...

So here I am, writing back and forth with a guy online. I've gotten about ten messages this afternoon and only one of them is even remotely attractive. That's a pretty standard ratio. I responded to Sarcastic Profile Guy because of his funny profile. Um, ya...that's why I gave him that name. I know my creativity is astounding. Apparently he's had a few crazy dates on this site, and so have I. I even mentioned blogging in my first reply, because honestly I think he wouldn't care. And he didn't even ask about it. Awesome.

Hey, if it doesn't work out (and it probably won't), maybe he'll want to guest post.

And the award for funniest profile goes to:

Ace a First Date: For Girls

Since Ace a First Date: For Guys has been a popular post, I figured it's only right we do a list for girls. I didn't want to write it from my perspective since clearly I am not an expert. My best single guy friend helped me put together a list of do's and don't's for the ladies!
Here are Pinata's tips for a great first date (with commentary by yours truly):

1. Don't check your phone; put it on silent. ~ Your work emails and texts to friends can wait a couple hours. Lindsay says: it's okay to check and update your friends when he goes to the bathroom...just don't get caught!
2. Don't talk about your exes. ~ This should be self-explanatory, but why do girls always do it? Guys don't care. Lindsay says: resist resist resist the urge to talk about "...this one time, my ex and I..." I think very often we jump back in the saddle right after a break-up (unlike guys who seem to wait FOREVER) so it happens to be fresh in our mind and hearts. 
3. Be cute, but not slutty. ~ Lindsay asks: How should a girl dress on the first date? Guys are always so casual. Pinata says: Not overly trendy...show some skin, but leave some mystery. "Get the gears turning, but don't show what's under the hood!"
4. Don't be picky when ordering. ~ You don't want to seem indecisive or high maintenance. And yes, it's okay to actually eat more than a salad.
5. Don't get drunk. ~ Pinata recommends 2-8 drinks, Lindsay says: Eight drinks?!? WTF? I'd be on the floor. (He was joking.)
6. Be engaged. ~ Ask questions. Try not to just answer his questions and ask, "what about you?" Be creative.
7. Laugh at jokes and smile a lot. ~ Lindsay says: I am so good at that! Wait, why don't I have a boyfriend?
8. If you talk about something you both like, suggest you do it together. ~ This shows the guy that you are interested in seeing him again, and you want to create a personal, special memory.
9. At least offer to pay for your portion. ~ It gives the guy an opportunity to be the man, say thank you, and let you know they've got it. Lindsay says: Bleh. I disagree. Maybe that's why I'm single.
10. Appear kissable. ~ We both agree that if you like someone, the first kiss should happen on the first date. Stay close so the guy knows you want to be kissed. Face him; give the opportunity. Fumble the keys, Hitch-style.

What do you think, people?

Zombies are not a turn on.

I remember, as a teenager, thinking that scary movies were great with a boy. I can get all scared, and he can have an excuse to hold me...it's perfect! Now that I'm a bit older, I'm not so sure where this appeal comes from.

This guy and I were hanging out one night, and he suggested we start watching The Walking Dead. A TV show about Zombies? Um, ok...I did hear it's pretty good. We started the very first episode, and I could barely hear any sound. I knew something bad was going to happen. It's about fucking Zombies! [Wait, no. It's not about fucking zombies. It's about THE fucking zombies. Ew.]

Anyway, I'm already scared and thinking this is the perfect time for cuddling up in his arms, but then it started getting gore-y. Oh gross, these zombies are so disgusting!

He started touching my neck, playing with hair, clearly trying to distract me. He was smiling, but my face was frozen. My body was so confused! Should I get turned on? His kisses felt so good...
But OH MY GOD that woman has only half a body and she's crawling around trying to eat people! C'mon!!!

I'm not sure if this guy is:
a) turned on by zombies
b) wanted me to associate sex with gross half-dead people
c) thinks it's funny to fuck with me

Let's go with option c. 

I'm too competitive.

This is why I don't play sports. I am generally not good at them, and I HATE being bad at them.

Please don't ask me to participate in any of the following activities during a date:

• Mini-golf ~ I will throw my club at you if I don't make it into the clown's mouth.
• Video games ~ Seriously, I hate them. Play on your own time. If I show up at your house and you invite me to sit and play, the date (and our relationship) is officially over.
• Batting cages ~ I will hurt myself...and then you.
• Go Karts ~ I hate driving.
• Trivia ~ I know it's not a sport, but it's still competitive...and I suck. 

The one exception is drunk bowling. It may be a sport, and I may suck at it....but I see you are checking out my ass as I approach the lane. Good boy.

Takin It Back, Tuesdays #7

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Ace a First Date: For Guys

After my latest string of first dates, I thought it might be time to spell it out for the guys out there. Here are my tips for a great first date:

1. You pick the location. ~ Make it somewhere convenient for her, but also somewhere you are familiar with. Girls like to learn, so maybe somewhere interactive, or a place where you know "the best cocktail the bartender makes" or "the chef's specialty."
2. Call (I did not say text!) to confirm the day before. ~ She'll be impressed, trust me. Texting isn't enough for before a first date. She needs to hear you are excited in order to also feel excited.
3. Open doors. ~ It may seem simple, but you'd be surprised how many times it doesn't happen. Chivalry is not dead, people!
4. Be romantical (okay that's not a real word, but I love it), without over-doing it. ~ First dates are hard. Especially if it's a blind first date. But make sure it feels like a date, not drinks with a friend. Sit closer to her. Find a way to let your hands or legs "accidentally" brush against hers. If she likes you, she will respond. But don't choose an overly romantic setting or a super expensive restaurant. Only bad can come of it: a) she'll be uncomfortable or b) she'll expect a $200 dinner every time you take her out!
5. LISTEN. ~ Fucking hell, just try. Make eye contact. Engage. Nod your head. Stop staring at her boobs and wondering what she looks like naked.
6. Have fun! ~ I love to laugh. If the date is fun, but lacking some of the other nine items I've listed here, I'll most likely give him a second chance date.
7. PAY. ~ When you're officially a couple, you will spoil each other, but until then...it's your wallet. Don't even put her in the uncomfortable state of wondering if she'll have to pay. And don't let her see the bill. That's douchey.
8. Offer to walk her to her car. ~ She may or may not say yes, but it's the right thing to do.
9. If you want to see her again, tell her. ~ If you're too nervous to say it in person as the date is ending, you should definitely include it in your follow-up text. My most recent date had the perfect example of a follow-up text: "Hey, I had a great time last night! [Insert joke referencing something we talked about on the date.]" The joke shows he was LISTENING. Good boy!
10. Stop it with the three day rule. ~ We hate that shit.

Is it weird that I'm kind of hesitant to post this, knowing some of the guys I've dated will now use my advice to woo other girls? Typical Lindsay.

Texts I don't understand

(But I do. Because they're all about sex.)

At 3:00am, "U awake?" ~ Well, now I am. There's just no other reason a guy could want to talk to me right now. And no, I'm not getting out of bed to drive over. My makeup is off; the glasses are on. When will I learn to turn my phone on silent at night? 

"Have a great day!" ~ The Busy Builder can deny this all he wants, but I believe this text message has ulterior motives. It's part 'Don't forget about me,' part 'Yes, I'm still thinking about last night.'

The winky face aka " ;) " ~ I'm to blame for this one. I use it all the time. But I still don't know how I feel about being part of a generation that uses emoticons to flirt. So awkward. This specific winky face comes into play when you text something, and I just reply with the winky face. No words. Just the winky. You know what's up!

"What R U up 2?" ~ Sometimes this happens around 11am. I'm at work. What do you think I'm doing? Sometimes this happens around 4pm on a Sunday. The next thing I know I'm eating ice cream in my backyard with him, wishing I'd shaved my legs that morning.

"Hey" ~ Okay I know what you're thinking. "Hey?" Is no text message safe from a sexual innuendo? But I'm not talking about your normal day to day "Hey" from friends. This happens to me riiiiiiight as I'm getting over a guy. I haven't decided if it's really a sexual reference or just a power play, but it really fucking annoys me. He's bored of the new girl he left me for and decided to browse his phone contacts and take a trip down memory lane. And if he's really lucky, I will respond and he's one step closer to sex. Ugh.

Totally unrelated photo, but check out one of my blog's kitty fans!